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Yeshuasdaughter

Yeshuasdaughter

V.I.P Member
You know, that one lady we met that one time.
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  • Yeshuasdaughter
    You grow up with someone, every beat of your heart is for them. Then you deal with their violence and apathy as they descend into addiction and madness, and then you get angry, and then they die horribly and alone, and then you bury them, and then you feel massive guilt for all that you didn't do when there was nothing you could do. Rinse, repeat with the next one, all your life.
    Yeshuasdaughter
    It's just a feeling
    I get sometimes
    A feeling
    Sometimes
    And I get frightened
    Just like you
    I get frightened, too
    But it's-
    No time for heartache
    No time to run and hide
    No time for breaking down
    No time to cry
    Yeshuasdaughter
    Bored, lonely, and scared. It's gonna maybe be another big big week. Perhaps the biggest of them all.

    All these strange and pushy doctors touching me and poking me and asking questions is overwhelming. I find myself retreating into myself, needing whole days of dark and silence. But at the same time, needing held and soothing comforting words. I want to spend the evening picking plums with someone I trust and love.
    FayetheADHDsquirrel
    FayetheADHDsquirrel
    I'm sorry you are going through all this.❤️‍🩹 I hope you make a full recovery and much faster than whatever they may be predicting. Like very quickly.
    Yeshuasdaughter
    What is a personality disorder where whenever there is a holiday or a crisis, one person will all of a sudden make a big scary violent scene and go psychotic? Because whether it's Christmas or a Birthday or someone might have cancer, every freaking time if there is something going on with someone else, this one person has to get violent and dangerous. Every single time. This time, it's almost worse than ever.
    MildredHubble
    MildredHubble
    Well, all I can say is that what you described is pretty much my mother. In her case I've been told she is diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, though some people said her behavior might be more consistent with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Not everyone with BPD necessarily manifests the same behaviors though.
    FayetheADHDsquirrel
    FayetheADHDsquirrel
    My Dad likes to scream, throw things, or whatever on holidays, birthdays, or sometimes just because he catches you in a happy mood. It makes it kinda weird when your natural baseline demeanor was leaning towards the hyperthymic temperament side of things. I don't know what his diagnosis should be, but Narcissistic Personality Disorder (malignant narcissist subtype) seems to explain a lot.
    Rodafina
    Rodafina
    That sounds so hard to deal with, @Yeshuasdaughter. I would not want to be around that kind of person.
    Yeshuasdaughter
    I'm glad that there are loved ones who are so wonderful to me, because otherwise, right now, I'd be checking myself into a psych ward. We're talking cops and mental health crisis line called for the most bizarre and frightening family violence. At the same time today I scheduled two very scary doctor's visits. All I can do is hold onto the loving gestures of my closest people. And I know that God is in control.
    Yeshuasdaughter
    There are incredibly nice days, and wonderful people, but for the most part right now, between chronic illness and family violence, my life right now can be pretty nightmarish. I just want to love and be loved, and to live a simple quiet life full of laughter, with those I cherish most.
    Yeshuasdaughter
    Doctors are such liars. They say one thing and then you go into MyChart and read the chart notes that they wrote for themselves and see what they really think. Don't lie to me, especially about what you suspect about my own body and my own health. I am gentle and sensitive, yes. But I deserve education about what you think is going on with my own body.
    MildredHubble
    MildredHubble
    I agree! They should be straightforward with you, its your body and your medical info. Have you tried telling them that you would like to be fully informed about what's going on. Maybe say while you may not be medically qualified, you have excellent comprehension skills and you cope better when they are straight with you.
    Aspychata
    Aspychata
    I double down that, they can be complete gaslight buttholes. Some get worse as they age.
    Aspychata
    Aspychata
    Sorry you are finding this out now. You have to really ask questions, because some absolutely have zero interest in your health, they just run the tests to pay the overhead with zero disregard for you.
    Yeshuasdaughter
    Happy to celebrate another trip around the sun, but I woke up in terrible terrible terrible pain today.
    View previous comments…
    tamalito
    tamalito
    I still live here in Chihuahua @Yeshuasdaughter and it's so cool that you learned recipes from that lady from Oaxaca, I bet she taught you how to make tamales

    Life here is nice, peaceful, it's a small farming community where nothing much happens (luckily) people are generally nice too, a little too conservative for my taste but not everyone.
    Yeshuasdaughter
    Yeshuasdaughter
    @IXxTchxXI Yes. I still make tamales! Also she showed me how to pick out fresh fruit. Most Americans eat fruit when it's still very unripe. I wait until it's soft and bright colored with a tiny bit of brown spots. My old employer (and friend) moved back to Oaxaca with her children. She said she liked Mexico better. That it was like you say, peaceful, safe and clean. A good place for her children.
    tamalito
    tamalito
    Yes, Mexico has places where it's super calm, sadly the news only show the violent cities

    I think it's embedded in our genes how to pick out fruits because most of the people I know are pretty good at doing so 🤭

    The living wages here are not good, sadly, and also the working conditions aren't the best for most (not all) jobs here. That's why a lot of people leave to seek a better life
    Yeshuasdaughter
    There's a lot I'm scared of right now, and I feel so alone. Almost no one I know has any idea what I'm about to go through. I want my loved ones here with me, for hugs and food and togetherness and peace. I'm so scared, like a little girl.
    Aspychata
    Aspychata
    So sorry @Yeshuasdaughter
    Your health is important, so the better that you can accept and pull thru really helps in the end. Can you do some daily prayer, take pray breaks. Can you bring something comforting to the hospital? I bought a bright pink fluffy blanket for my partner, now he wants that with him at dialysis too. It cheers him up.
    Yeshuasdaughter
    Share love openly. Don't ever hide it. If you have someone to forgive, do it now. If there's a bridge, mend it. If there's a need. Be the answer.
    Yeshuasdaughter
    I'm weak, dizzy, out of breath today. But I am very very thankful for my daughter and my caregiver for helping me. And for loving friends and family.
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