Asperger's & Autism Forum

Callistemon

Well, that's pretty normal. Many people don't like being approached by strangers and that's what you can expect. You're better off going to a hobby/interest group than a coffee shop or pub if you want to form friendships with people. Also to take more of an interest in the other people for their own sake, than in fixing your own loneliness.

Gerontius

Seconded. Other people aren't there as magic NPCs or antidepressants; find interesting people & become more interesting (to yourself) and there will be a better chance of improvement.

Jordy

@Gerontius I am not to sure about the neurotypicals not being NPCs part, it definitely seems like they are sometimes.

Gerontius

We can't go dehumanizing people and thinking "oh, I'm totally the main character," which is what happens the moment you start thinking other people are "NPC's." That's not autism. That's closer to narcissism, and it's a way to start treating people like things.

Callistemon

I think the more people work on their own stuff, and find things to appreciate about life and other people, and ways to contribute positively, the more authentic they become and the less of a stimulus-response circuit.

Markness

I’ve just been told coffee houses are good if you don’t like bars and want something more than a hook up. My endeavors with hobby and interests groups have also been disappointing to the point I have felt suicidal after attending them.

O

Owliet

Got to view people as people who have their own wants, needs and interests. They are not npcs or empty vessels. And don’t be offended if it seems like they’ve rejected you, some people don’t like being approached in places that they view to be more casual like Starbucks compared to a bar or nightclub because it is a different social atmosphere.

O

Owliet

Sometimes women will respond with short answers as a coping mechanism (I have done this myself ) because they don’t want to appear rude but feel like they are in an uncomfortable situation. Whilst this isn’t your intent, it is an unfortunate side effect to being harassed by others.

O

Owliet

Honestly, you have to work out what you want. Do you want to make friendships with any one or are you aiming to make friendships only with women in the hope that it ends up being something more? Some of my best interactions have been when I’ve joined social groups that I don’t really know what it’s about.

O

Owliet

For example, I joined a badminton group at university and I can’t play badminton how it plays because I play tennis, so I never mastered the flick action but it was the social interaction that was important. You just have to give it time and not expect anything to happen immediately.

Callistemon

This may be hard to hear, but if you feel suicidal after attending hobby and interest groups you are in no way ready for a healthy relationship. Got to love yourself and be completely OK with being single first. You can't put that much pressure on other people; we're all responsible for our own happiness.

Callistemon

I second @Owliet's suggestions and observations, and my husband says the website @Gerontius mentioned (The Art of Manliness) is a really good one he can recommend too! :)

Markness

I tend to fear I’ve fallen too far behind and can’t catch up, especially since I am going to turn 34 this year. My cousins who I’ve known since they were babies are getting married and having their own babies. All four of my siblings are married and keep having children to which my parents celebrate about. I don’t think my emotions are unreasonable.

tree

@Markness Your feelings are quite in line with the interpretation you give to events. Who wouldn't feel sad constantly being told what a worthless failure one is? Which is what you keep doing to yourself.

Markness

My family is very status and success driven.

I also feel like I am being told I should never have a relationship. I can’t live a life of continued loneliness. It’s already unbearable.

tree

You really don't notice how you're reinforcing these unhappy ideas, do you ?