How can anyone get over sexual abuse? especially child sexual abuse.... how can those who have never been through it say just to "get over it?" they have no idea how much being violated like that affects your entire being, right down to the bone, right down to the very core of your soul. My childhood was stolen from me because of what was done to me. The only memories I have left are a little bit of my abuse and those that were planted back in my mind from my mother's memories, I have almost no memories of my own. I am sure that many of you won't understand either because I am sure that many of you have never experience this kind of agony.
Suppressing the memories of the abuse only causes more harm than good. I did that for over 10 years. Suppressing it, you don't really live, your just going through the motions. I didn't even have any of these memories until a year and 8 months ago. They were locked away in the deepest darkest places of my brain. My mind didn't want to deal with it, they were just gone, until "chance" happened and I stupidly opened myself up to someone else who would do me harm by wanting, right from the start, to take advantage of me, use me for sex, only to dump me for another woman a week later. Even though it was never a "relationship," and may never have become a relationship. All he wanted was casual sex and I was groomed by that time to believed that, that was all I was good for. Why did I have to trigger all of this stuff to come back by stupidly ignoring red flags and agreeing to all of what he wanted out of me right from the start. I could probably say it was pre-planned before he even contacted me the first time. Why do I have to be so naive?........why can't I learn from past hurts?......Why does it take falling into the same traps? I stupidly fell into dead end traps 7 times, have I learned my lesson finally? All 7 of them wanted sex, thank God 4 were long distance and it was only ever "cyber" or "phone" sex but I think it still affected my very being! I don't trust myself around me anymore!! I don't trust men in general anymore, all they seem to ever want is just to find a way to "get with me" long enough to get me into the sack and then leave me wallowing in my own pain, grief, anxiety, depression and anger.
I mean, really, how do I move forward from here? is writing my book really going to do me any good? is rehashing it all, to "rewrite" it all, going to do me any good or is it just going to hurt me more? All I have seen so far is it hurting me more but is that how I heal? I don't know. I really cant take any more of this and I don't want to be on this roller coaster anymore. I don't want to be on this "crazy train" anymore, I WANT OFF!! I want to be whole again, I don't want to be "mended," I wanted my childhood back, I want my life back. I don't want to be this person anymore!
Suppressing the memories of the abuse only causes more harm than good. I did that for over 10 years. Suppressing it, you don't really live, your just going through the motions. I didn't even have any of these memories until a year and 8 months ago. They were locked away in the deepest darkest places of my brain. My mind didn't want to deal with it, they were just gone, until "chance" happened and I stupidly opened myself up to someone else who would do me harm by wanting, right from the start, to take advantage of me, use me for sex, only to dump me for another woman a week later. Even though it was never a "relationship," and may never have become a relationship. All he wanted was casual sex and I was groomed by that time to believed that, that was all I was good for. Why did I have to trigger all of this stuff to come back by stupidly ignoring red flags and agreeing to all of what he wanted out of me right from the start. I could probably say it was pre-planned before he even contacted me the first time. Why do I have to be so naive?........why can't I learn from past hurts?......Why does it take falling into the same traps? I stupidly fell into dead end traps 7 times, have I learned my lesson finally? All 7 of them wanted sex, thank God 4 were long distance and it was only ever "cyber" or "phone" sex but I think it still affected my very being! I don't trust myself around me anymore!! I don't trust men in general anymore, all they seem to ever want is just to find a way to "get with me" long enough to get me into the sack and then leave me wallowing in my own pain, grief, anxiety, depression and anger.
I mean, really, how do I move forward from here? is writing my book really going to do me any good? is rehashing it all, to "rewrite" it all, going to do me any good or is it just going to hurt me more? All I have seen so far is it hurting me more but is that how I heal? I don't know. I really cant take any more of this and I don't want to be on this roller coaster anymore. I don't want to be on this "crazy train" anymore, I WANT OFF!! I want to be whole again, I don't want to be "mended," I wanted my childhood back, I want my life back. I don't want to be this person anymore!
