Been in such a bad place latel

So many reasons, too many to list, but i have. It goes back and forth real quickly. Want to force numbness, have to be perfect, self harm urges, not good enough my fault need to just try harder. Will lose everything if i'm not good enough. All my fault no one elses blame others too much when its all just my fault all mine. Mom said that once to me. I didn't think i did, still dont really, but she has to be right. I think i was and am only trying to figure things out but my understanding is warped anyways so she has to be right. Must. Has to. She's older and my mother and been through so much and i've only grown up to be a **** up what right to i have to disagree or to place blame. None none none. Can't just cut and numb it all out all gone but what else is there. If i'd just tried harder all my life just listened just did everything right. My fault my fault its the worst kind of bad to blame anyone else but myself. If i can't be perfect i'm not wanted. I'm not wanted i'm not wanted i'm not wanted otherwise. But knowing that why am i always so innately not good enough for anyone. Its like everyone who comes into contact with me knows it. Even the nice friendly people at work stop talking to me after a while no matter how hard i try to be friendly. Even my former best friend was fine with not having me around for a good nine or so months straight and i'd trusted her with everything we were so alike. Dad nearly left us and mom almost kicked me out once and brother's always been treated better despite being ten times worse than i ever was as a kid. He actually got help when he needed it but didn't want it yet i outright asked and got punished and nearly kicked out instead. Why am i so different enough that everyone sees it and thinks less of me even my own family. I asked myself this so much and eventually i just came to the conclusion that i'm just innately not good enough and have to be perfect or i'm not wanted.