• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

A waffle in a box of donuts

I need to get this all out there in hopes of finding some absolution in how I'm feeling; that is, maybe someone else is feeling this way too and through my struggles I've helped someone else - that would be great.

The truth is, my whole life (I'm 50 this year) I have always felt out of place - a waffle in a box of donuts...yes, I am likeable, but no one expects a weirdo waffle in a box of donuts, so they throw it away and choose the donuts because the waffle was obviously someone's mistake. "How'd this waffle get in with these donuts?" I was a quiet and curious child, spent my days to age seven singing and having adventures with my Miss Piggy doll - my most cherished companion. At seven, my grandmother died and I was forced to live with my mom who was very scary. Knowing what I know now, I'd say she had BPD (borderline). She was also transient and a product of her childhood abuse/trauma, so she transferred all that stuff to me, unknowingly. Unfortunately, that meant being left with "friends" and relatives, and sometimes even foster care because she did not know how to be a mom. Some of her "friends" were very unkind to me and have left permanent scars - physical and mental. Relatives found me a burden, and the only place left for me was foster homes that were already too burgeoned with kids.

High school was a joke - I was smart but bored, so I quit my senior year and got my GED the same year. College was great and I learned a lot about myself. Unfortunately, I also married young and that only increased/added to my trauma. Because I was codependent and desperate to love, I married the first guy I'd ever been with. We were married for fifteen years and had two beautiful children together - whom I adore and cherish! I have struggled to find work that suits me, having studied art in junior college, leadership in my BA, and initially counseling for my master's - only to be told by gatekeepers at the university that I was "unfit" to counsel people due to the extent of my trauma. I still got my MA but in boring leadership for which I have no interest any longer, just A LOT of debt.

Finding employment has been a nightmare because, while I am smart and intellectually capable, I'm also slow and do not do well with people or loud, hot, crowded places. I had a good job in MN but when we divorced, I moved to Iowa to keep custody of my kids and allow them to see their dad regularly. IA has not been kind to me, and I hate it. So rural, so conservative, so close-minded....I am a grapefruit among plums, and I don't/haven't been able to make many friends - the friends I do have are not natives, so that makes sense. My current job I've had for eight years working part-time at a college, but due to budget cuts my job is ending in a few weeks and I'm overwhelmed with what that means for me. I have tried having an advocate in the past, as well as vocational rehab, but both have failed because "I present well" and "don't seem autistic".

Flash forward to the reason I sought out community through a support network: my family disowned me once I told them of my diagnosis. I make terrible financial decisions and ended up consolidating my debt by using my car title as collateral; however, I did not expect to be losing my job and now I fear I will also lose my car because it will be very hard to make that loan payment considering it is not easy for me to find work where I live and I hate driving any further than 30 miles away. I am homeless, have been for the last several years, having to live with my only friend for the last six years. I currently live with my ex-husband who used to abuse me, in an attempt to help my son through his eating disorder (it's a messed up story, sorry) but at least I'm helping him and I have a warm place to sleep. I have tried to acquire SSI but been rejected five times because I'm "too educated".... I literally feel at my wit's end. When I tried to refinance my loan, the loan person was so very rude and condescending - I ask a lot of questions or I don't so as not to look stupid, but apparently I was "too much" for her so she sent me to someone else.

The thing is, I am always "too much" or "not enough" - vacillating between the two extremes. My cat is the only thing that gets me up in the morning to even try to keep going, and I am so grateful for her. I much prefer the company of animals to people, and I think I could happily live in the middle of a forest in a little shack surrounded by animals - but I'd probably die because I also can't cook and have some serious dyspraxia. I feel so out of place, and as I reach this milestone of life, I wonder if I'll ever find my place. I've always liked being different, but at the same time, it hurts because I feel like I'm an imposter - especially to myself.

My point is, does anyone else feel like they've missed out on what it means to be a functional human being? I mean, I'm nearly 50 - I should have this down by now...but I don't. If anything, it all seems more difficult to navigate the older I get. I'm in a relationship but we keep it long distance because I enjoy my space and time to do whatever I want to do without someone else. They're also pretty needy, so that drains what little energy I have.

Does anyone else on the spectrum struggle with issues like this (all of the above adulting stuff) or am I just a lonely anomaly?? A waffle in a box of donuts....swiftly discarded for the choice of something better.
  • waffle.png
    5.4 KB · Views: 5


I can relate a lot to what you shared. I wish these comments were not available to entire world in a google search. I have much to say.
I can relate a lot to what you shared. I wish these comments were not available to entire world in a google search. I have much to say.
Hi Kristen7,

Is there a way to message me privately on here? Honestly, I'm not on here that much and I'm not sure of all the features so, I apologize if that's a stupid question but I just don't know.
The icon that looks like an envelope, in the upper
right hand corner of your page, is the PM/Inbox option.

That would be a way to exchange static messages, similar
to email.

There is also a Private message option in Chat, for
'real time' conversations.

I'm not sure if this makes you feel any better, but EVERYONE is out of place if we really get down to it, it's just most people conform.

Blog entry information

Read time
4 min read
Last update

More entries in Everyday Life

Share this entry

Top Bottom