Where the hell do I really want to take my life from here?

[Metalhead]

I am asking myself this question and my brain is drawing a total blank.

I have been coasting in my recovery from alcohol. My life has become little more than going to my job, then going home and playing my video games. I have not put much thought into where I want to be five years from now.

I realize I have nothing grounding me spiritually and emotionally. I realize I have been existing but not living. I realize my life currently has no purpose or meaning whatsoever and it is up to me to fix that.

 

[Fino]

That's what known as lack of Jesus, but go ahead and find some other way of not filling these holes.

 

[Kalinychta]

Well, your first step is to ixnay your ghoul of a mother from your life. You’re still clearly very stressed and upset about that, so I’d hold off on the existential musings until you’re feeling stronger and calmer.

 

[Metalhead]

That's what known as lack of Jesus, but go ahead and find some other way of not filling these holes.

If God had any sense of mercy, he would have given my mother the miscarriage she clearly wanted and I would have been spared all of this.

 

[Cryptid]

@Metalhead
Ask yourself, "Am I a victim or a survivor?"

Your answer will determine your destiny.

 

[Outdated]

I realize I have nothing grounding me spiritually and emotionally. I realize I have been existing but not living. I realize my life currently has no purpose or meaning whatsoever and it is up to me to fix that.

You've mentioned doing this a couple of times already, why don't you try moving to a different city and see if the lifestyle and climate suit you better. New experiences, new people, new ideas. Expand your horizons.

You never know, you might find something you like.

[Edit] Just a story I thought I should add. I never got along well with my father but I also realised he wasn't stupid. When I was in my 30s I went through a bit of existential angst and I said to him "I just don't know what I want to do with my life.". He gave me good advice.

He said that when he was young he wanted to do the same as everyone else so he had a steady job, got married, bought a house and had kids. Then he got mixed up in politics and that kept him busy for 30 years but he managed to kick a few goals and that gave him a sense of self worth. He said "Andrew, I'm in my 60s and I've retired now, and I've got no idea what I want to do with my life.".

 

[Rodafina]

I agree with @Kalinychta. Focus on the goal of freeing yourself from your mother once and for all.

Also, you have small goals that you have already defined here that could use your focus and attention. Exercise and healthy eating come to mind. The real trick with these two things is to figure out ways in which they can become a consistent and long-term part of your life.

If you need purpose right now, you could focus on these things as a start, and they will lead to more emotional stamina and stability to tackle bigger goals down the road. You don't have to start with the endgame. You can just start by taking steps in that direction.

 

[Mary Terry]

You've mentioned doing this a couple of times already, why don't you try moving to a different city and see if the lifestyle and climate suit you better. New experiences, new people, new ideas. Expand your horizons.

You never know, you might find something you like.

[Edit] Just a story I thought I should add. I never got along well with my father but I also realised he wasn't stupid. When I was in my 30s I went through a bit of existential angst and I said to him "I just don't know what I want to do with my life.". He gave me good advice.

He said that when he was young he wanted to do the same as everyone else so he had a steady job, got married, bought a house and had kids. Then he got mixed up in politics and that kept him busy for 30 years but he managed to kick a few goals and that gave him a sense of self worth. He said "Andrew, I'm in my 60s and I've retired now, and I've got no idea what I want to do with my life.".

My husband and I are nearly 70. He frets about being old and figuring out what to do with his remaining years. For some reason, being old doesn't particularly concern me as long as I'm healthy. Old age is the final frontier.

 

[Outdated]

For some reason, being old doesn't particularly concern me as long as I'm healthy. Old age is the final frontier.

From childhood I always wanted to be old. I didn't know anything about autism back then but I recognised that older people got treated how I wanted to be treated - no one yelled at them and it's considered perfectly normal for them to sit quietly and not do a lot.

Now living the dream.

 

[Slime_Punk]

I would definitely agree with others that having a sense of purpose helps, but I don't agree that it necessarily has to be a spiritual figure (although it certainly can be!). I also think that it doesn't even have to be singular, again, unless you want it to be. I mean, why not have as many as you desire?

Since I'm also in recovery, I know people (including myself) who have chosen one or more 'higher powers' that weren't directly related to religious affiliations, but you could almost say that they still fulfill some sense of spirituality or exist within the spiritual department of their lives. You could also totally have both, if you wanted to!

I'd also say that if you can't find a cool religious figure, but want one, why not create them yourself? My 'God' is a benevolent being who wants what's best for everyone, for example. Maybe they don't even exist at all, but what fun is that?

 

[Slime_Punk]

If God had any sense of mercy, he would have given my mother the miscarriage she clearly wanted and I would have been spared all of this.

There are many ways to look at this -- when things are tough, I can't blame you for feeling that way at all. But maybe when things get a little better, you might say something like, "Wow, I'm actually kind of glad to be here".

Also, friends might even say, "I'm glad (Metalhead's real name) exists, he's an awesome guy and I don't know what I'd do without him". These are just 3 ways of looking at the same scenario, but they have completely different spiritual energy behind them. Interesting, right?

 

[Judge]

IMO if for whatever reason you cannot separate yourself from your toxic family once and for all, pretty much any other considerations are likely to fail.

From what you've described over the years in this forum, I don't see you being able to "have your cake and eat it too" relative to interacting with your family. The negativity of it is just not going to change.

You fundamentally MUST remove yourself from this situation rather than wait for a miracle that never comes.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

You have been on a journey and have made progress. Now, you get to decide on being the person who can bring you satisfaction and peace. I have never subscribed to a belief that our lives have meaning and I am OK with that.

Instead, I look to myself for meaning, in the ethics I exhibit towards others, in the little ways I could be of service to my community, the care of my relationship with my spouse. And, I like that there is peripheral joy that emerges from all of that.

I hope that you will find the inner strength to care for yourself.

 

[Metalhead]

Getting away from my family and getting my clinical depression under control are now my top priorities. The meaning of it all will wait until after that.

 

[Rodafina]

Getting away from my family and getting my clinical depression under control are now my top priorities. The meaning of it all will wait until after that.

Another way to think about it is that you will most likely start to find your meaning as you get away from your family and get your depression under control.

 

[Kalinychta]

Getting away from my family and getting my clinical depression under control are now my top priorities. The meaning of it all will wait until after that.

Don’t even think about it as “getting away”
either. You’ve talked about wanting to move. Wherever you go, your problems will follow you. Your mind goes with you. It doesn’t matter if your mom lives next-door or 3,000 miles away. Psychologically and emotionally you’ll have to stand your ground, my friend. No matter where you are physically.