Spending time with aspie bf? :(

[Rei]

I am a NT and my boyfriend is an aspie. We have been together for about a year now (long distance) and we've been through a lot. The first six months of our relationship have been really hard because I just didn't understand him. However, I have started to understand his actions more and now most of the things he does doesn't bother me that much at all.

We're both on summer break and he has a lot of free time. I really want him to spend more time with me before he leaves for vacation and will be gone for a few weeks. I will be really depressed when he leaves because i'm just used to having him with me all the time. For the past week, I have been asking him directly to spend time with me by watching something with me online... the usual things we do since we can't physically be with each other. I feel like i'm annoying him every time I ask him because it feels like he doesn't want to even spend time with me. And it really makes me sad when he spends more time playing games with his friend.

When my boyfriend wakes up, the first thing he does is play games with his friends until it's time for him to sleep, which is usually 12am. Most of the time, he only talks to me after he's done playing and he's all tired. It makes me really sad and upset because he falls asleep on me all the time.

For the past week, I have asked him to spend time with me and when he agrees, it's only for about an hour until I notice that he's not even interested and starts getting bored. His friend keeps asking him to play games with him which takes away my time from him. And i only have three weeks left until he leaves for vacation.

How can I make my boyfriend want to spend more time with me and enjoy it? (Note that I have tried playing games with him but the game got boring after a while. Also, his friend keeps bothering him and asking to play so.... -___-)

 

[Beverly]

To me, it sounds like you don't quite understand how interests, obsessions and focus works for us yet. That's okay, it's kind of tricky if you don't live with it. (are an Aspie or live with an Aspie.)

It isn't that we don't want to spend time with girlfriend or boyfriend that aren't there physically. We probably do, if such an idea ever entered out heads. In general it doesn't even occur to us that the other person might care if we spend time with them or not. We just assume they will ask if they want to do something with us.

We usually do it but, since doing whatever we are interested in, obsessed with or, focused on normally during that time of day is a part of our routine, doing what the other person wants means disrupting our routine. That is traumatic to varying degrees, depending on the Aspie.

We also will not be able to stop thinking about what our routine says we SHOULD be doing. The other person has probably asked us to do something that requires social energy, something we have to budget carefully. it is a social interaction so, we have to try to understand the other person and, we all struggle with no verbal cues, body language and, figures of speech to some degree.

So we're anxious because our routine was disrupted, and we have all of these thing that are second nature to you, to think about because they aren't second nature to us so, we come across a bored or distracted when that isn't our intention, we're just close to overload and, trying to please you and, not shutdown or melt down or, make a huge social mistake and, we still have to worry about remembering where we left of in our routine so we can go back to it later and not miss any steps in the routine.

You can adapt to changes in you routine easily, we can't - not that we don't want to but, for us it is a learned skill and, one that often takes us years if not decades to learn to cope with without being pushed close to loosing it. Being social is another thing in the same learning category. Add to that whatever attention, thought and skill might be required for what we are doing with you and, is it any wonder we give the wrong impression?

I would suggest asking him if he could stop playing the game just half an hour earlier and, spent that half hour with you instead. That makes it a set time each day and, that isn't so hard to work into the routine and, not nearly so disruptive to someone that can't handle disruption well.

When we are interested in something and we like it, that something often becomes an obsession. We can't stop thinking about it, wanting to do it or, something related to it, talking about it, dreaming of ways to improve it, etc... So say you want to watch a film with us, try to find one that relates to our current obsession somehow and, both of us will have a lot more fun watching the film. The Aspie will be interested and engaged, animated and talkative and, you get to enjoy seeing your Aspie open up with you. Even if the subject of the obsession is boring to you, your Aspie won't be boring when you can engage in that subject with him so, you focus on the not boring Aspie and let the Aspie stay on his obsession, you both win.

 

[kyliewyote]

Beverly -- thanks...great info.
Would this also go for greetings? I'm in a long-distance forming relationship, and he lives where he works, lots of stuff going on, and sometimes even on the first day that I pull up, he will continue doing work (lots of it moving around outside) without coming over to greet me. Literally for a few hours even.

 

[Beverly]

For some of us yes, kyliewyote we get so focused on what we are doing that we don't notice people arriving and in that situation, he probably had his mind set that all of this stuff had to be done before you got there so, even though you got there before it was done, his mind was still in get it done NOW mode.

If it happens again, say something to him like "Hey, can I help you do anything?" Get him to see you without interrupting the mental routine he has set for the day and, maybe get things done so he can relax and spend time with you faster, or at least get him talking about what he is doing. You'll learn something about what he does at the least that way.

Some of us are more socially adept than others and, for some even socializing in the context of a relationship is a mystery. Not that we don't want to but, we have no idea how and, for us, in general, to learn something new, we need very detailed steps we can memorize and concrete, set in stone rules for doing it. Socializing requires too many adaptations, has too many variables and, none of the rules are set in stone. We simply can't get the hang of it but, we can learn with one person, give enough practice and time.

All we need that other person to to is understand and not get upset when we blow it because we will. We don't mean to upset or hurt their feelings, or respond inappropriately but, often that is exactly what happens when we think we are doing it right. We usually realize out mistake some time after the fact, not always immediately but, we do figure it out and, if we care about you, we will probably apologize then. The best thing you can do is to reassure us that you understand and, we didn't blow it with you over a mistake.

As a rule of thumb we don't read body language, we don't take hints, can't understand non verbal cues and, take everything you say literally. We don't like figures of speech because we have to stop and figure out what they mean. We'd rather you say "That looks really good on you." than "Sick duds, Bro." Yes, after a moment of thought we know both mean the same thing but, the second phrase initially had me picturing Milk Duds candies throwing up and looking for your brother, whom I don't even know if you have or not. - See the problem we have there?

And yes, where our minds go with figures of speech is usually pretty funny if you know what the figure of speech actually means.

 

[kyliewyote]

Thank you.....
And yes, I gladly hop right in and ask if I can help, even though it's sometimes pretty dirty and tough work, and can be -15 or colder in winter. I've never shied away, fortunately, from mud and effort. And, I think he enjoys it -- we can just work together in parallel, without pressure.
I know he has only had 1 mini relationship before, so it is new to him. Add to that, I have just finalized divorcing a husband who is NT, and is one of the most selfish people on the world (my Aspie is not the reason for the divorce, but just good timing to have met him. Due to that, nothing has ever happened between us, except for one conversation 8 months ago about mutual interest).
I leave next Thursday for a visit, and I think we will finally get to be ourselves around each other.
Thank you for the advice. I think a lot of people don't understand him, and it somehow is a negative thing. I don't understand him either, but that is one of the things I love about him. I'm very patient, accepting, positive, and nurturing.

I will never see a Milk Dud without thinking of you!

 

[Maelstrom]

I am a NT and my boyfriend is an aspie. We have been together for about a year now (long distance) and we've been through a lot. The first six months of our relationship have been really hard because I just didn't understand him. However, I have started to understand his actions more and now most of the things he does doesn't bother me that much at all.

We're both on summer break and he has a lot of free time. I really want him to spend more time with me before he leaves for vacation and will be gone for a few weeks. I will be really depressed when he leaves because i'm just used to having him with me all the time. For the past week, I have been asking him directly to spend time with me by watching something with me online... the usual things we do since we can't physically be with each other. I feel like i'm annoying him every time I ask him because it feels like he doesn't want to even spend time with me. And it really makes me sad when he spends more time playing games with his friend.

When my boyfriend wakes up, the first thing he does is play games with his friends until it's time for him to sleep, which is usually 12am. Most of the time, he only talks to me after he's done playing and he's all tired. It makes me really sad and upset because he falls asleep on me all the time.

For the past week, I have asked him to spend time with me and when he agrees, it's only for about an hour until I notice that he's not even interested and starts getting bored. His friend keeps asking him to play games with him which takes away my time from him. And i only have three weeks left until he leaves for vacation.

How can I make my boyfriend want to spend more time with me and enjoy it? (Note that I have tried playing games with him but the game got boring after a while. Also, his friend keeps bothering him and asking to play so.... -___-)

Hi Rei I know you want your boyfriend to value you, this is a tricky area...as you are asking him to give up something he loves, to prove he loves you. It is a dangerous game, as he could easily turn it on you, and say if you really loved him you wouldn't rob him of the things he loves...so it could backfire on you. Of course he should want to spend time with you if he loves you. But this internet stuff isn't the same as having a magical sweet smelling girl sitting next to you. Her lovely hair caressing the soft bare skin of her shoulders, every sigh and little laugh making your heart quiver. Do you get my point? So my advice is either start learning to play the games with him, or or get him on a park bench next to you so you get his undivided attention.

 

[Slithytoves]

Welcome to AC, Rei.

Beverly said a lot of very useful stuff. All of that stands as-is, but I do want to expand on what Maelstrom said about gaming with your guy.

You said your boyfriend is distracted from spending time with you by what are apparently texts or other alerts from his friend(s) that they want to play games. Since time is growing short and you don't want to risk an argument or withdrawal, I'd suggest working on (a) removing the real distraction and (b) like Mael suggested, engaging in his passion, to get things heading in a better direction before you part ways again.

Be honest (and explicit) about your frustration with the interruptions from his friends, careful not to lay blame or use too many "you" statements that could shut him down. Ask that he turn off his phone/messenger when you're together, maybe starting with just an hour at a stretch, and offer to become his new gaming partner during that time. The opportunity for so much gaming during his vacation may be a real joy and luxury to him, and like Mael said, there's a real danger in asking him to back off something he loves so much. I can almost guarantee he won't be more attentive to you for it, so if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Let him share his passion with you. Teaching you to play will give him the chance to tell you all about it, and you may find you can really get into it with him for having such a thorough instructor. You'll be showing him that spending time with you can be fun, which will help lay a foundation for finding other things to do together in your next block of time off school.

Yes, in case you're worried about it, he could expect you to want to game with him all of the time once you start. In that case, you can talk about a trade plan on your next break, or maybe even towards the end of this one; you game with him one day, then do something else the next, or else split the day in half. You're going to have to learn to negotiate if you want this relationship to work over the long term, anyway.

 

[Slithytoves]

But this internet stuff isn't the same as having a magical sweet smelling girl sitting next to you. Her lovely hair caressing the soft bare skin of her shoulders, every sigh and little laugh making your heart quiver. Do you get my point? So my advice is either start learning to play the games with him, or or get him on a park bench next to you so you get his undivided attention.

Hooooo boy, Mael! Magical sweet-smelling girl?! Well, he has that, and it doesn't seem to be working. Frankly, when I'm doing something I'm seriously into, my very magical new husband could be dancing "Full Monty" in front of me, smelling like hot popcorn, freshly-baked bread or buttercream icing and I'd still respectfully tell him to get lost.

And then there are gamers, who are by reputation worse than I could ever be.

I repeat, I'd go with joining in the gaming. Maybe doing the "lovely hair caressing the soft bare skin of her shoulders" thing at the same time for good measure. "Game Naked." Isn't that a t-shirt? Though finding a way to make gaming into a version of Strip Poker might not be such a bad idea....

 

[Maelstrom]

Ah! you missed my context a little, Slithytoves she said she was in a, (long distance relationship), which for a guy is not anywhere near as compelling as having a magical feminine creature next to you on the, (park bench), not a bed. I apologize for not being clear, I'm a imaging auti so I think in pictures I was thinking, romance in the park on the bench = summer and summer = summer dresses, (which I love), and summer dresses = lovely bare shoulders caressed by soft brown hair. One can be chaste and and still value romance and loveliness, and I am still single so I don't have a lovely thing to keep me in line yet. I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I'm fairly unrepentant on the making of my point on the romance thing, I'm trying to help the girl.

 

[Slithytoves]

I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I'm fairly unrepentant on the making of my point on the romance thing, I'm trying to help the girl.

Only teasing, Mael. I wouldn't dare deny you your point about romance, or seriously question your imaging auti.

 

[Maelstrom]

Only teasing, Mael. I wouldn't dare deny you your point about romance, or seriously question your imaging auti.

It's okay Slithytoves I messed up by not adding the summer dress bit in, it could read that way...Bad Mael. Your advice is better than mine anyways.

I am both a hopeless romantic and a cold blooded realist..my two sides fight with eachother all the time.