Hello,
I am struggling with a family member right now, and I know that my rigidity can be an issue sometimes, so would greatly appreciate others' input so I can see how others would handle the situation.
The situation:
I was adopted as a young adult - have known the family since I was 17yo. I have a family member (adoptive father) in a position of authority that expects respect simply because of his position. However, I have always been taught that respect is earned, not simply given. This person works, but I'd say once a month decides to just take some days off. He also refuses to help my adoptive mom in the household, refuses to help take care of pets (then complains that they don't show him affection), and typically leaves trash around the house throughout the day. He does have ADHD, and started taking meds about a year ago. He refuses to up the meds as recommended by his therapist, and refuses to engage in any of the activities to help mitigate the ADHD problems (such as creating lists, writing his own reminders, following reminders, etc). He is codependent with his 8yo son (my adoptive brother), and because he will not help with my brother's OCD exercises so his OCD and anxiety are becoming more severe as he is not learning coping mechanisms, which then creates more work for my mother and me. He does not follow through on his word, which is extremely difficult for me. He has also lied to my mother, and told me I am not allowed to say anything - he does the same thing with my brother, too (which increases his anxiety). It's not huge lies (it's mostly things such as whether he is following through on a meal plan with the son who has stomach issues, and whether he has had 1 too many beers or drank with family), but in my mind a lie is a lie, and it sets a terrible precedent and is disrespectful. He has also made the comment (trying to make it a joke) that my mother can't leave him because he makes the money - I think this is more due to the fact that he is scared of losing her because she is getting fed up with his behavior, and the only thing he brings into the house is money.
My method of dealing with it has been to try and avoid interacting with him in the house because it is clear that anytime responsibility is involved he has a major issue. I do not mind engaging with him in social situations - we get along great when going to lunch and a movie or on vacations with just us 4 family members, when he is not in charge of anything. However, he has reached a major explosion point over the fact that I will not engage with him in the house, and will not assist him with lifting kayaks, carrying fishing poles, or carrying his bookcase up to his attic (basically, me not helping him with his hobbies). I refuse and try to explain to him that I will not help him with hobby stuff because he does not even engage in basic house maintenance (whereas, I mow the lawn, handwash the knives, wash the kitchen table, vacuum the first floor of the house and the stairs, and take out trash, and help with other things that my mom asks me to). He also complains anytime he is asked to do anything, such as cleaning the toilets (which he is supposed to be teaching my younger brother to do so that he understands that males can do household chores, too). He finds my lack of desire to assist him with his hobbies extremely disrespectful because he provides financial support. I tried explaining that respect is earned in my world, I came into the family as an adult, not a blank obedient child, and that I am more than willing to help anyone and everyone who knows how to help themselves and does not cause harm or more work for others. Now, he wants me to come in to an appointment with the therapist with him to try and work this out.
I guess, my question is this: Is it totally unreasonable that I do not help with his hobbies, when he refuses to help with the basic household chores? Is it unreasonable that I find it so difficult to respect someone that causes harm through his actions to my other family members? How can I perhaps handle this better because I do not see his perspective at all?
I am really at a loss here, and I often hear that I am "too black and white", so I am trying to figure out if I am missing the shades of grey here.
I appreciate any help you all can give me. Thank you!
I am struggling with a family member right now, and I know that my rigidity can be an issue sometimes, so would greatly appreciate others' input so I can see how others would handle the situation.
The situation:
I was adopted as a young adult - have known the family since I was 17yo. I have a family member (adoptive father) in a position of authority that expects respect simply because of his position. However, I have always been taught that respect is earned, not simply given. This person works, but I'd say once a month decides to just take some days off. He also refuses to help my adoptive mom in the household, refuses to help take care of pets (then complains that they don't show him affection), and typically leaves trash around the house throughout the day. He does have ADHD, and started taking meds about a year ago. He refuses to up the meds as recommended by his therapist, and refuses to engage in any of the activities to help mitigate the ADHD problems (such as creating lists, writing his own reminders, following reminders, etc). He is codependent with his 8yo son (my adoptive brother), and because he will not help with my brother's OCD exercises so his OCD and anxiety are becoming more severe as he is not learning coping mechanisms, which then creates more work for my mother and me. He does not follow through on his word, which is extremely difficult for me. He has also lied to my mother, and told me I am not allowed to say anything - he does the same thing with my brother, too (which increases his anxiety). It's not huge lies (it's mostly things such as whether he is following through on a meal plan with the son who has stomach issues, and whether he has had 1 too many beers or drank with family), but in my mind a lie is a lie, and it sets a terrible precedent and is disrespectful. He has also made the comment (trying to make it a joke) that my mother can't leave him because he makes the money - I think this is more due to the fact that he is scared of losing her because she is getting fed up with his behavior, and the only thing he brings into the house is money.
My method of dealing with it has been to try and avoid interacting with him in the house because it is clear that anytime responsibility is involved he has a major issue. I do not mind engaging with him in social situations - we get along great when going to lunch and a movie or on vacations with just us 4 family members, when he is not in charge of anything. However, he has reached a major explosion point over the fact that I will not engage with him in the house, and will not assist him with lifting kayaks, carrying fishing poles, or carrying his bookcase up to his attic (basically, me not helping him with his hobbies). I refuse and try to explain to him that I will not help him with hobby stuff because he does not even engage in basic house maintenance (whereas, I mow the lawn, handwash the knives, wash the kitchen table, vacuum the first floor of the house and the stairs, and take out trash, and help with other things that my mom asks me to). He also complains anytime he is asked to do anything, such as cleaning the toilets (which he is supposed to be teaching my younger brother to do so that he understands that males can do household chores, too). He finds my lack of desire to assist him with his hobbies extremely disrespectful because he provides financial support. I tried explaining that respect is earned in my world, I came into the family as an adult, not a blank obedient child, and that I am more than willing to help anyone and everyone who knows how to help themselves and does not cause harm or more work for others. Now, he wants me to come in to an appointment with the therapist with him to try and work this out.
I guess, my question is this: Is it totally unreasonable that I do not help with his hobbies, when he refuses to help with the basic household chores? Is it unreasonable that I find it so difficult to respect someone that causes harm through his actions to my other family members? How can I perhaps handle this better because I do not see his perspective at all?
I am really at a loss here, and I often hear that I am "too black and white", so I am trying to figure out if I am missing the shades of grey here.
I appreciate any help you all can give me. Thank you!
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I do try to tell myself it’s only January that I have to make it to (although 7yrs of this is already more than enough) - since I recently graduated I am waiting for the job hiring process to open for my dream job and they only do so once a year. Fingers crossed. I’m also applying to phd programs in case the job doesn’t pan out. I already work 3 jobs currently so that helps get me out of the house. 
