Positive framing of autistic traits

[vergil96]

I have noticed something, I see some traits as "can't do this, can't do that". Such as - I can't go to a shopping mall, because they give me panic attacks and make me feel exhausted. I can't hear someone speak - I have hearing loss (notice the "loss"). I can't attend parties.

But what about framing it in a different way? There are things I can do and like. But I have to admit I don't know myself about forms of socialising I feel good with and enjoy. It's not my career that it impacts, but social life, I feel left out and like everyone is socialising and having fun together, and I can't.

There is also dating. I want to date and there is nobody in my immediate surroundings that would be suitable and who I'm attracted to. My circle of immediate coworkers is small. I have looked into dating apps and there is this one app called Boo, for intoverts who like to talk with each other instead of swiping photos (yes, that's me). And... that feels like too much small talk too, unfortunately. I don't enjoy that, the too general conversations. I don't see myself making any progress on this app, even though it's introvert-friendly. But I don't know how to meet more people who I actually would be interested to talk to. I like to talk about my job / tech, mostly, I believe. About foreign languages, art, sports to some degree.

Note the negative mindset. Can't, won't, don't know. This internal dialogue makes me feel bad about myself and I'm annoyed at this point of view at this point. Maybe we're not broken fish for not swimming, but birds that can fly? Even if autism is an impediment, constant criticism of yourself certainly isn't helpful, it's counterproductive.

So... do you have any ideas? What are we, (introverted) autistics good at and what do we like? As opposed to dislike.

 

[Outdated]

Note the negative mindset. Can't, won't, don't know. This internal dialogue makes me feel bad about myself and I'm annoyed at this point of view at this point.

Mental discipline is something my generation were taught as children, by our parents and by early primary school teachers. Constant negative thinking will destroy your life, firstly by driving those around you away and secondly by you ending up in situations that reinforce your negativity. It's a trap that's very hard to extricate yourself from. It appears part of you seems to understand this instinctively.

I used to have a standard response to apprentices whenever I heard the words "I can't...". I'd tell them "You can, and stop calling yourself that.". (I doubt that translates in to Polish though)

Your own internal dialogue plays a big role in the way you think and the way you feel about life, you need to change it's vocabulary to start using more positive words and phrases. Instead of telling yourself "I don't want that." try telling yourself "I would prefer this.". It sounds like just a stupid game of semantics but it does have a huge impact on your life.

 

[Jumpinbare]

Logical, capable of deep thought and research. Problem solvers.

Or maybe that's just me.

 

[vergil96]

Mental discipline is something my generation were taught as children

Ah, upbringing. First, my mom, who brought me up more than my dad, is an overworrier. She looks for possible problems and focuses on them. She's an anxious person. Nowadays also when I try to say something is going well for me, she said not to say things like that, because it brings bad luck. Secondly, as the straight As student, I got mostly criticised for slipups, and not praised, because "you get plenty of praise anyway". Well... no, not really, I just have perfectionist parents who jump at the slightest hint of anything going wrong, and this class at school who will not praise me and ignore me. The largest amount of praise I got, ironically was, for my recent autistic burnout and struggling to speak. It really shouldn't be this way and the message is twisted... I don't think things going well and having minor slipups is worth criticism. The outcomes shouldn't be a moral value in the first place, putting in the effort adequate to the person's possibilities should be the value, shouldn't it?

But anyway, I don't even know how to frame it differently. So an example could be:
"I prefer taking walks in nature to shopping in a mall"
?

Nothing else comes to my mind at the moment.

It sounds like just a stupid game of semantics but it does have a huge impact on your life.

It is, but the word/concept of "no" automatically causes negative feelings. Both in your own head and when talking to others. Not logical, but communication is more like art and it's a dark dull colour or a sad tone added to the picture... Putting it in a lot of elements will darken the lanscape. And it's damaging beyond a certain amount.

 

[Outdated]

"I prefer to get my groceries delivered, it's so much more practical and saves me so much time."

I heard this phrase on a TV show and knew immediately that it applied to me: "He would see the silver lining in a mushroom cloud."

 

[Rodafina]

I like the thread premise. And, re-framing isn't about being overly positive and denying the struggles and challenges we face. It's just creates a different starting point when tackling obstacles.

"I can't handle noisy, crowded situations."
>>> "My brain works better in a quiet environment without too many people."

"I can't go to parties and meet people."
>>> "I connect well one on one and this prevents connections from being superficial."

"I can't handle too many things at once."
>>> "When I am able to focus, I am really thorough and competent."

"I can't socialize like other people do."
>>> "I have a unique way of socializing and that does not always fit what others expect."

"I can't handle work like others do."
>>> "I'll have to approach work differently than some and make sure I have usable tools, supports, and down time to manage."

 

[AuroraBorealis]

Such a beautiful thought. I completely get what you mean. Some days it's more difficult than others to try and reframe that mindset.

Today, I have one of my favorite days (hormones can have their advantages, too). I feel light, full of energy, delighted by everything, tearing up from joy over hearing a certain musical tune. On these days, it's easy for me to love my (autistic) self exactly for those little things. Heightened sensitivity? Oh joy, I can feel even the tiniest breeze and feel elated just by looking at a pretty flower or seeing a bird in the sky! Prone to hyperfocus? I can get immersed in my newest painting! Being exhausted and overstimulated in the presence of other people and feeling socially uncomfortable? I can spend the whole day in blissful solitude without ever feeling lonely! Fidgety and prone to repetitive movement? I can spend eternity spinning in a circle to the same melody on repeat until I'm completely out of breath and feel myself as light as the wind. Forgetful and distractable about every little thing? I'll forget about all the things that are worrying me for the time being, instead getting into a research rabbit hole about old Scottish traditions and rituals!

Of course, there are other days. Days in which all of those things turn into their negative counterparts. But I love my brain for having those positive days where being neurodivergent can feel like a blessing. They're usually days where I don't have to work and which I spend by myself.

The counterside of those days is that I'll crash at some point, feeling sort of hung-over from all that energy and positivity. But I'd always choose it over not experiencing those days at all.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

My wife likes to do the stuff I cannot or do not like doing. I really enjoy solving complex real life mazes. keeps my mind active, vIsited my Mensa member brother yesterday he is NT boy can he not see what I see some stuff he see is so linear or wrong thinks my dads uncle did not share inheritance with our grand mother and her sister out of spite when in actual fact this was tradition in many cultures, still is. He is not as good at connecting dots as I am really notice this now, degree in psychology yet knowledge of Autism very limited. Two NT brothers both so different from rest of my family.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

Lately one primary focus of mine has been turning off the negative inner monologue. This is my father’s voice but it still impacts so much of my life.

Before I can replace it with something positive, I have to catch it in the act and stop it abruptly. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Then I can insert something positive. Even if it’s only - ha! Got rid of that one!

 

[Hypnalis]

In this domain, negative and positive are not opposites.

It's sensible to address unjustified negative thoughts. But replacing them with unjustified positive thoughts is over-correcting, and while it's less harmful, it's not harmless.

Justified/reasonable self-criticism is good of course. It helps identify and motives addressing possible improvements. Unjustified "positivism", especially if it's used to deny a need for improvement, is often problematic.

BTW there's a fairly common and concise example that's an easier reminder of the nature of "opposites" in human domains:

"The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference".

NB: I know you can argue for Love/Hate too, but I suggest it's more a literary trope than real. Many stories require an adversary, and a "luciferian" model works very well in that domain. IRL though, Love is natural and sane, Hate is insane. If there's a connection, it's complex one, not a simple opposite.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

In this domain, negative and positive are not opposites.

It's sensible to address unjustified negative thoughts. But replacing them with unjustified positive thoughts is over-correcting, and while it's less harmful, it's not harmless.

Justified/reasonable self-criticism is good of course. It helps identify and motives addressing possible improvements. Unjustified "positivism", especially if it's used to deny a need for improvement, is often problematic.

BTW there's a fairly common and concise example that's an easier reminder of the nature of "opposites" in human domains:

"The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference".

NB: I know you can argue for Love/Hate too, but I suggest it's more a literary trope than real. Many stories require an adversary, and a "luciferian" model works very well in that domain. IRL though, Love is natural and sane, Hate is insane. If there's a connection, it's complex one, not a simple opposite.

But, I think (and I could be wrong), that in general many of us cannot realistically distinguish between right and wrong, negative and positive.

Obviously, killing someone is wrong, helping a little old lady across the street is good.

But the majority of choices are small and infinite. If the parental authority was negative, we will likely see everything we do as negative.

What if I don’t do the dishes today; does that make me a bad person? Of course it does. In order to be healthy, the kitchen must be sparkling clean.

And if I get the dishes done, well, what about wiping the counters? Mopping the floors? Sorting the canned goods? It doesn’t matter how much you (editorially) do, it could be better.

If a person identifies this pattern in themselves, they might do well to practice shutting that voice down for a time.

 

[FayetheAspie]

Noticing things that others might miss, getting more enjoyment from our hobbies, getting to enjoy things that others people don't even notice half the time (like a butterfly or tiny wildflowers) or they find irritating (like rain).

 

[Outsider]

I have noticed something, I see some traits as "can't do this, can't do that". Such as - I can't go to a shopping mall, because they give me panic attacks and make me feel exhausted. I can't hear someone speak - I have hearing loss (notice the "loss"). I can't attend parties.

But what about framing it in a different way? There are things I can do and like. But I have to admit I don't know myself about forms of socialising I feel good with and enjoy. It's not my career that it impacts, but social life, I feel left out and like everyone is socialising and having fun together, and I can't.

There is also dating. I want to date and there is nobody in my immediate surroundings that would be suitable and who I'm attracted to. My circle of immediate coworkers is small. I have looked into dating apps and there is this one app called Boo, for intoverts who like to talk with each other instead of swiping photos (yes, that's me). And... that feels like too much small talk too, unfortunately. I don't enjoy that, the too general conversations. I don't see myself making any progress on this app, even though it's introvert-friendly. But I don't know how to meet more people who I actually would be interested to talk to. I like to talk about my job / tech, mostly, I believe. About foreign languages, art, sports to some degree.

Note the negative mindset. Can't, won't, don't know. This internal dialogue makes me feel bad about myself and I'm annoyed at this point of view at this point. Maybe we're not broken fish for not swimming, but birds that can fly? Even if autism is an impediment, constant criticism of yourself certainly isn't helpful, it's counterproductive.

So... do you have any ideas? What are we, (introverted) autistics good at and what do we like? As opposed to dislike.

In my opinion, dating coworkers is not a good idea for everyone, not just for autistic people. Too many pitfalls…

If you like talking about science and tech (incidentally, these are my favorite topics) you could go to tech conferences to meet people. My friend does that to meet ladies, and it works for him. People make connections at most unusual places.

My other friend meets his potential girlfriends at art museums and exhibitions. He knows a lot about the art, and he’s a very good-looking guy, so he has a measure of success there.

I’m more sociable than most people, I can start a conversation anywhere. As my friend said once, “Walter, you talk too much, you can talk even the Devil to death.”

My friends and I live in a megapolice, New York City, USA, with its population of 8.5 million, so we have plenty of meeting places. I don’t know the size of your city but I’m sure it can also offer dating opportunities to everyone.

You’re a very intelligent person, I’m sure that many men will ask you for a date if they meet you.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I am reminded of my days as a competitive powerlifter. It's one of those sports where there is no separate division for anyone who is handicapped. For example, one of the strongest bench pressers was a guy who was a paraplegic, 240lbs of upper body, little atrophied legs, rolls up to the bench in a wheelchair, hops up on the bench, legs unable to balance himself, and then proceeds to push some 500lbs off his chest like it was a peanut. OK. You have my attention...and respect.

Injuries were common. Lost count of how many times I tore muscles. OK. Stop that lift. Let's do something different but never leave the gym. The mantra was always focus on what you can do, not what you can't.

So it is in life. You just redirect your attention and focus on what you can do rather than dwelling upon all the things you can't. You never give it another thought.

Here he is:

 

[vergil96]

Well, anyway...

I wonder what kind of socialising does work for introverted autistics

As opposed to fitting a square peg into a round hole

 

[Hypnalis]

There are no "magic wands" and at scale dating is completely broken at the moment, and that won't change any tie soon (it will take years). Naturally it's even more broken for introverted Aspies.

Shared activities are always worth trying, but be sure to select something with, at worst, a 50/50 M/F split.
A language class is probably a good candidate. Ditto art classes. Running.
IT stuff much less so (80/20 M/F split).

 

[AuroraBorealis]

Well, anyway...

I wonder what kind of socialising does work for introverted autistics

As opposed to fitting a square peg into a round hole

I have always loved parallel play. Unfortunately, it seems to be less common among adults than among children. I mean hanging out together in the same room with each person doing their own leisure activity without talking to each other - or just talking from time to time with accepted non-talking phases.
It's something my partner and I do, and something roommates seem to do, but I've found it much less common if you meet up with a friend. Usually, people seem to want to talk.

 

[vergil96]

I have always loved parallel play. Unfortunately, it seems to be less common among adults than among children. I mean hanging out together in the same room with each person doing their own leisure activity without talking to each other - or just talking from time to time with accepted non-talking phases.
It's something my partner and I do, and something roommates seem to do, but I've found it much less common if you meet up with a friend. Usually, people seem to want to talk.

This is interesting. I like to talk 1 on 1, but not in groups, the larger the group, the less I enjoy it. I wonder if there are any group activities besides board games, that aren't great at integration in m opinion, that are introvert-friendly.

Shared activities are always worth trying, but be sure to select something with, at worst, a 50/50 M/F split.
A language class is probably a good candidate. Ditto art classes. Running.
IT stuff much less so (80/20 M/F split).

I haven't had any luck with language classes, sports or other hobby activities in that regard. I got a date or two, but there was no glue to it... They were bland or the people just didn't care.

I will go to conferences one way or another. But. As one of the speakers. If you just listen, it's useless for socialising imo. Idk, it seems like too few ideas if it's just one and all depends on it.

 

[Jumpinbare]

I heard this phrase on a TV show and knew immediately that it applied to me: "He would see the silver lining in a mushroom cloud."

an excellent example of looking on the BRIGHT side!

 

[Jumpinbare]

I have always loved parallel play. Unfortunately, it seems to be less common among adults than among children. I mean hanging out together in the same room with each person doing their own leisure activity without talking to each other - or just talking from time to time with accepted non-talking phases.
It's something my partner and I do, and something roommates seem to do, but I've found it much less common if you meet up with a friend. Usually, people seem to want to talk.

My late wife and I did that all the time