Needy autistic boyfriend breakup?

[Rodafina]

People say, autistic people need you to sit dem down and tell them exactly what you want.

Don’t always believe what “people say.”

You should always be clear with everyone about what you want, but we do not need to be sat down and spoken to like children.

Crying and screaming is a desperate way to communicate. It is not typically very effective.

You can only control yourself. Perhaps, you could benefit from some mental health support. A therapist could help you learn how to set appropriate boundaries. I don’t think it’s working, the way you are going about it.

 

[Judge]

Hello,
well first, I wanted to know if this is a behaviour autistic people are related to.

Not at all in my case. But it somewhat describes a former NT girlfriend. Of course it was all exacerbated by the fact that we worked together and were in close proximity of each other eight hours a day, along with sharing the same apartment.

However tragically at the time neither she or I understood that I was on the spectrum of autism. I knew I needed routine solitude, but not as to why.

If you spend enough time in this online community, you're likely to surmise that we can be quite a diverse lot in as much as having similarities when it comes to autistic traits and behaviors.

 

[Hypnalis]

@ghatol

The unreasonable part of what you describe, such as the extreme "24/7" neediness, is not typical of ASD. People on the spectrum can have other traits that lead to inappropriate behavior though. Not always, but it seems likjely in this case

It might be possible for you to help him manage his behavior, but based on what you've said so far, it doesn't sound like you're a "natural" at that kind of thing.
Most people (75+ %) have to learn how to set and enforce boundaries in a situation like the one you describe. And even then it can be impossible - sometimes you just can't "negotiate", and you just have to walk away.

There are other parts of your post that we could discuss, but that takes us to the reason I asked those two questions in my previous post. I think you should answer them.

Meanwhile ... you need a plan.
To make a plan you need to understand yourself and your situation a little better. Or perhaps you're just reluctant to accept an insight you've already reached.

Some things that might help:
* What is the relationship worth in the longer term? Can you see this person (more or less as they are today, but minus the unacceptable stuff) as your life partner?
* How long can you accept the status quo?
* How much time/effort are you prepared to spend on trying to recover the situation?
* Are there practical issues (like financial entanglement) that need to be addressed - you have to deal with that kind of stuff before disengaging.

Note that you should absolutely not signal an impending separation - in particular, don't use it as leverage (e.g. as a threat). There's no benefit to it, and there's always a "tail risk".
Please take this suggestion seriously. You should completely avoid drama, especially if it's suggested by some "internet warrior".

 

[ghatol]

Don’t always believe what “people say.”

You should always be clear with everyone about what you want, but we do not need to be sat down and spoken to like children.

Crying and screaming is a desperate way to communicate. It is not typically very effective.

You can only control yourself. Perhaps, you could benefit from some mental health support. A therapist could help you learn how to set appropriate boundaries. I don’t think it’s working, the way you are going about iti

Don’t always believe what “people say.”

You should always be clear with everyone about what you want, but we do not need to be sat down and spoken to like children.

Crying and screaming is a desperate way to communicate. It is not typically very effective.

You can only control yourself. Perhaps, you could benefit from some mental health support. A therapist could help you learn how to set appropriate boundaries. I don’t think it’s working, the way you are going about it.

Don’t always believe what “people say.”

You should always be clear with everyone about what you want, but we do not need to be sat down and spoken to like children.

Crying and screaming is a desperate way to communicate. It is not typically very effective.

You can only control yourself. Perhaps, you could benefit from some mental health support. A therapist could help you learn how to set appropriate boundaries. I don’t think it’s working, the way you are going about it.

I tried to talk to him in a normal way 10000 times already. In a soft and soothing voice didn't work. He drained me to the point I lashed out.

Don’t always believe what “people say.”

You should always be clear with everyone about what you want, but we do not need to be sat down and spoken to like children.

Crying and screaming is a desperate way to communicate. It is not typically very effective.

You can only control yourself. Perhaps, you could benefit from some mental health support. A therapist could help you learn how to set appropriate boundaries. I don’t think it’s working, the way you are going about it.

I

 

[Rodafina]

I tried to talk to him in a normal way 10000 times already. In a soft and soothing voice didn't work. He drained me to the point I lashed out.

Are you getting the point that there is consensus here that this is an extremely unhealthy relationship dynamic? Take your preconceived notions about autism out of this picture and seek some support on how to establish and maintain healthy boundaries and communication patterns in your relationships. None of us here have enough information to ascribe blame to either one of you and usually that is not helpful. Please get some support and get out of this relationship.

 

[ghatol]

@ghatol

Given the conditions you've imposed, you have only one sensible option.
You know what it is. But you didn't ask how to do it - you asked what to do.

On the other hand, if you could find a relationship-saving compromise by helping your partner change their behavior, you need to stop shutting down all the suggestions on that topic, and be honest with yourself and with us.

Clearly you've asked the wrong question.
Perhaps you've forgotten that this is a forum for ASDs. It's not wise to expect us to unwrap your words and figure out what you want/need.

So I have two questions for you, in the hope it will help you focus:
1. Why do you need external input to get you started?
2. What do you need to be told?

If all you need is practical advice on how to do what you believe needs to be done, you might get it here.

First of all, thank you!
I am from Germany by the way therefore excuse my English.
Why? I asked, because I am lost for words and it seems like I tried everything.
And I have to say that his psychiatrist said he is overly narcissistic tendencies.
I want to marry this guy and live a happy life.
As I already mentioned, he has his minor other issues just like every other human being, which is normal and I could live with that easily if those where the only issues.
I have to say this whole s started when he moved to my city and I tried talking to him in a normal way many times till I lashed out in the end of may. And we wrote down instructions, but it didn't work. I have to say, that when it went very crazy, I wanted to leave him but he had a "meltdown" but meltdowns are not intentional I heard. But one thing was: He told me, if I leave he would kill himself (3x). He later admitted he manipulated me. I am done, like literally, and there is not much spare time left for a change. I mean how would you feel if he constantly (daily) oversteps your boundary and when you talk to him about the disrespect and him loving himself and him being a Leach, all he says is "I really do love you".It is crazy if you tell someone not to call you but they do 80 times and every single time they say they love you and all you want at some point to rip his face off. Cause you can't tell me that " do not ring me up" is hard to understand. I can still try to invest, but I am at a boiling point and can't cool down. There are no financial issues.

I tell you he does not cheat, he never screamed at me, he says sorry, he helps me when I need him, everything seems perfect.

But he has a very bad family and it seems like he has some combination disorder going on.

I can't understand how I beg him on my knees to stop calling me but he does anyways

 

[tree]

@ghatol

You want to marry this guy.
And you want him to leave you alone.

Are you having a fantasy that marriage would magically change him?

 

[ghatol]

@ghatol

You want to marry this guy.
And you want him to leave you alone.

Are you having a fantasy that marriage would magically change him?

No, that is why I am thinking of breaking off because marriage won't help of course.
I seeked help her because I was thinking this is a place where they could help me out with this autistic behaviour. But I do understand now, that this is far from autism

 

[ghatol]

@ghatol

You want to marry this guy.
And you want him to leave you alone.

Are you having a fantasy that marriage would magically change him?

No, that is why I am thinking of breaking off because marriage won't help of course.
I seeked help here because I was thinking this is a place where they could help me out with this autistic behaviour. But I do understand now, that this is far from autism

 

[Hypnalis]

@ghatol

Your guy is very probably a controlling narcissist.
Go back and re-read the last paragraph of my previous post with that in mind.

He may not be dangerous, but for now, be careful.

If I was in your shoes, I'd be planning an exit, and I'd disappear. And I'd be very careful to act 100% normal until my disappearance.

I'm not you of course, but still ... those fake threats of suicide are extremely strong negative indicators.

Others you should look for:

* Love bombing
* Isolating you from your friends and family
* Messing with your phone
* Testing your boundaries, and trying to get you accustomed to controlling behavior as though it's normal
* Fake drama (like those meltdowns)
* If he gets into a "narcissistic rage" where your stuff gets smashed up, but his is magically untouched, assume he'll get violent at some point.

Depending on how far down that list you are, you may have to assume there's spyware on your phone.

Step one:
* Prepare what you need for a "go bag", but make sure there's no way he can see what you've done
* Get and hide a new phone.

There are web pages that explain this stuff in a more complete and structured way. You don't want to get caught reading them, but do it at work or elsewhere.

If you don't have family locally, maybe find and visit a local women's shelter.
Use the new phone for calls like that, and hide it properly.
The right approach for now is assume the best outcome, but plan for the worst.

 

[soph21]

Hello,

my boyfriend just got diagnosted with autism but he is very different from "typical ones".
He wants to touch me 24/7, talk, meet up etc.
I can't do anything! No family, no friends, no me-time! He even wants to meet up when I have exams to learn for.

Boundaries? I tried to! 1000 times!
That I need space, people are different, schedules.. Written down even!

I can't take this any longer!
I am crying and screaming!
I tell him to please give me space, he doesn't.
Then I tell him to give me space, he doesn't
I tell him to shut up and give me space!

He still doesn't stop!
I feel as if I am the only one he can rely on and I am. He has no friends, family is cold..

I can't!

What should I do? I am getting physically ill.

Hey! I'm sorry that you have to go through this, it's surely not easy.

I experienced something like this with my ex boyfriend a few years ago and eventually I ended the relationship, which was the only right thing to do for me.
If you make clear what your boundaries are and he can't respect them, he's not the right man for you, you deserve to be respected!
It's not an easy situation and I hope you can find a way to deal with it.
Stay strong!

(I'm fairly new in the forum and I have no idea if I can just answer to the posts here or if there are some rules or anything that I don't get. I hope I'm not crossing any boundaries here.)

 

[Aspychata]

You aren't aren't responsible for his mental health.

 

[Masked Man]

This guy is not the one for you.

You are going to have to be strong and walk away.

You are not responsible for his emotions or his behavior.

 

[ra49]

First of all, thank you!
I am from Germany by the way therefore excuse my English.
Why? I asked, because I am lost for words and it seems like I tried everything.
And I have to say that his psychiatrist said he is overly narcissistic tendencies.
I want to marry this guy and live a happy life.
As I already mentioned, he has his minor other issues just like every other human being, which is normal and I could live with that easily if those where the only issues.
I have to say this whole s started when he moved to my city and I tried talking to him in a normal way many times till I lashed out in the end of may. And we wrote down instructions, but it didn't work. I have to say, that when it went very crazy, I wanted to leave him but he had a "meltdown" but meltdowns are not intentional I heard. But one thing was: He told me, if I leave he would kill himself (3x). He later admitted he manipulated me. I am done, like literally, and there is not much spare time left for a change. I mean how would you feel if he constantly (daily) oversteps your boundary and when you talk to him about the disrespect and him loving himself and him being a Leach, all he says is "I really do love you".It is crazy if you tell someone not to call you but they do 80 times and every single time they say they love you and all you want at some point to rip his face off. Cause you can't tell me that " do not ring me up" is hard to understand. I can still try to invest, but I am at a boiling point and can't cool down. There are no financial issues.

I tell you he does not cheat, he never screamed at me, he says sorry, he helps me when I need him, everything seems perfect.

But he has a very bad family and it seems like he has some combination disorder going on.

I can't understand how I beg him on my knees to stop calling me but he does anyways

Please please please listen to Hypnalis!!!

<<<Trigger Warning!!!>>>

Your "boyfriend" sounds like my first husband, almost word for word.
7 years of marriage all downhill, suffering, and abuse.

Until I woke up the morning of my 33rd birthday, after having been thrown into a wall again, looked at the bruises on my body (he never hit where it would show), and realized if i did not get out, i would not live to see my next birthday.

Please please please get out of this relationship and every person that can help him connect back to you, move away, leave no forwarding address with landlord.
And immediately today change the locks and the password to the security system.

 

[MNAus]

No, that is why I am thinking of breaking off because marriage won't help of course.
I seeked help here because I was thinking this is a place where they could help me out with this autistic behaviour. But I do understand now, that this is far from autism

The comment on fantasy marriage was to ask you if you wanted to marry him, or a version of him that doesn't exist. It doesn't sound to me like you're keen on this lasting every day for the rest of your married life. You can't stick with someone expecting them to change unless there is clear evidence they will. That is what marrying him means.

This isn't autism talking IMO. Everyone on the spectrum is different so be aware I'm generalising heavily, but generally higher functioning autistic people will be hyper aware of committing social faux pas and hyper vigilant to the point of saying the word sorry at least a million times a day. Those with a more severe diagnosis might accidentally overstep boundaries, but not in this obsessive manner, and usually in the pursuit of something entirely unrelated to this sort of personal relationship.

 

[Gerontius]

First of all, thank you!
I am from Germany by the way therefore excuse my English.
Why? I asked, because I am lost for words and it seems like I tried everything.
And I have to say that his psychiatrist said he is overly narcissistic tendencies.
I want to marry this guy and live a happy life.
As I already mentioned, he has his minor other issues just like every other human being, which is normal and I could live with that easily if those where the only issues.
I have to say this whole s started when he moved to my city and I tried talking to him in a normal way many times till I lashed out in the end of may. And we wrote down instructions, but it didn't work. I have to say, that when it went very crazy, I wanted to leave him but he had a "meltdown" but meltdowns are not intentional I heard. But one thing was: He told me, if I leave he would kill himself (3x). He later admitted he manipulated me. I am done, like literally, and there is not much spare time left for a change. I mean how would you feel if he constantly (daily) oversteps your boundary and when you talk to him about the disrespect and him loving himself and him being a Leach, all he says is "I really do love you".It is crazy if you tell someone not to call you but they do 80 times and every single time they say they love you and all you want at some point to rip his face off. Cause you can't tell me that " do not ring me up" is hard to understand. I can still try to invest, but I am at a boiling point and can't cool down. There are no financial issues.

I tell you he does not cheat, he never screamed at me, he says sorry, he helps me when I need him, everything seems perfect.

But he has a very bad family and it seems like he has some combination disorder going on.

I can't understand how I beg him on my knees to stop calling me but he does anyways

Do not marry a narcissistic man! I promise you that you deserve better than that.

 

[ra49]

ghatol, are you ok? We haven't seen you here in a couple of days <3

 

[ghatol]

ghatol, are you ok? We haven't seen you here in a couple of days <3

Yes, thanks