I just fired my 12 step sponsor.

[watersprite]

Your aunt, being abused, should (well theoretically) know enough to not pass abuse on to the next generation by being an abuser.

It’s her responsibility as a human to at least shut up when abusive, negative crap comes to mind.

My cat (who has a wee biting problem at times) behaves better than those family members you are talking about.

So, can you/how do you find a new sponsor?

 

[Metalhead]

Your aunt, being abused, should (well theoretically) know enough to not pass abuse on to the next generation by being an abuser.

It’s her responsibility as a human to at least shut up when abusive, negative crap comes to mind.

My cat behaves better than rhose family members you are talking about.

So, can you/how do you find a new sponsor?

Well, I guess I have to go to more meetings and try to find somebody less toxic than my ex sponsor.

 

[Suzette]

Yeah, my sponsor went as far as to claim that my lack of willingness to forgive my aunt and uncle proved to him that I had a lack of willingness to recover from my addictions, which is BS. So, recovery means being a doormat and pretending everything they did was perfectly OK?

Crap psychology from someone unqualified. So you say "Do you have a degree to back up that opinion?" Or fire him (I am just being funny)

 

[Metalhead]

Crap psychology from someone unqualified. So you say "Do you have a degree to back up that opinion?" Or fire him (I am just being funny)

He does not have a degree to back that statement.

I truly am tired of people in my family and now my ex sponsor telling me that the people who have always violated my boundaries are actually very unhappy people who should get a free pass on their actions, and that I have no right to have an opinion about their actions because that would be judgmental and being judgmental is worse than being an outright child molester.

 

[Misery]

Yeah, my sponsor went as far as to claim that my lack of willingness to forgive my aunt and uncle proved to him that I had a lack of willingness to recover from my addictions, which is BS. So, recovery means being a doormat and pretending everything they did was perfectly OK?

Huh. What a strange connection to make… that one doesn’t make any logical sense at all. What in the world does forgiveness have to do with overcoming addiction? I’d be interested to know what kind of backwards thinking led to that one.

 

[Metalhead]

Huh. What a strange connection to make… that one doesn’t make any logical sense at all. What in the world does forgiveness have to do with overcoming addiction? I’d be interested to know what kind of backwards thinking led to that one.

If anything, my anger against my aunt is fueling my road to recovery. I do not want to be the completely and utterly worthless individual who wallows in a world of imaginary slights and illnesses and uses that as an excuse to guzzle alcohol and pills all day long just like she does.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Cutting the rope is good , just do not attach a weight to it called anger and go down with the ship.

 

[Fino]

I don't know if it even needs to be said but forgiveness is not saying everything they did was okay. I'm no expert on forgiveness so I won't try to say what it actually is.

 

[Suzette]

I don't know if it even needs to be said but forgiveness is not saying everything they did was okay. I'm no expert on forgiveness so I won't try to say what it actually is.

This! Forgiveness does not mean giving a pass to your abuser or not keeping them accountable for their actions. Forgiveness does not mean giving up on justice.

Forgiveness is just away to let anger and hurt go so it doesn't eat you alive. Forgiveness is for YOU, not them. Heck they don't even need to know you have forgiven them.

But, you can't force it. You are ready when you are.

 

[Matthias]

We got into an argument. I was saying I was happy my sexually abusive aunt and uncle was very ill because they caught COVID and they were too stupid to get vaccinated so now they are on death’s door. My sponsor told me I had no right to be that angry at them, since they are hurting human beings and it does not matter what they did to me, I should forgive them and pray for their recovery.

So, he joined the victim blaming bandwagon in my life.

Maybe I should pack my bags and move to the other side of the country. My entire blood family is toxic, and now my most recent 12 step sponsor has sided with my toxic blood family.

Yeah, I am beyond furious right now. I have every right to be angry at my blood family. They earned my disrespect.

That's awful. I agree you have every right to be angry with them especially if they aren't very remorseful. It's normal to want people to be held accountable for their actions when they harmed you. Hearing about their suffering with Covid probably evokes a sense of justice that they are getting what they're owed that is similar to how people feel when those who harmed them are given a lengthy prison sentence. Your sponsor should have focused on your needs instead of trying to compel you to forgive them. I know some people forgive others, not because they deserve it, but to improve their well being or make it easier to overcome addictions and other problems. I can imagine how difficult it would be to empathize and forgive since it would probably seem like you're excusing their behavior. I hope you're eventually able to let go of your anger since holding onto it can ruin your life and make it harder to accomplish your goals.

 

[Flown]

Yeah, and my ex sponsor was telling me that since my aunt was abused when she was a child, that means I should forgive her for what she did to me and it makes everything she did OK, which is BS. Anybody who uses their neverending river of sorrow as an excuse to abuse others is truly beneath contempt.

Can I sympathize with the child version of the person and what they went through? Sure. But being abused doesn't excuse becoming an abuser. I truly believe that we have a choice in not perpetuating that cycle.

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

That's awful. I agree you have every right to be angry with them especially if they aren't very remorseful. It's normal to want people to be held accountable for their actions when they harmed you. Hearing about their suffering with Covid probably evokes a sense of justice that they are getting what they're owed that is similar to how people feel when those who harmed them are given a lengthy prison sentence. Your sponsor should have focused on your needs instead of trying to compel you to forgive them. I know some people forgive others, not because they deserve it, but to improve their well being or make it easier to overcome addictions and other problems. I can imagine how difficult it would be to empathize and forgive since it would probably seem like you're excusing their behavior. I hope you're eventually able to let go of your anger since holding onto it can ruin your life and make it harder to accomplish your goals.

This is exactly how I feel about forgiveness. Of course I’m still angry at the person who hurt me and also the bullies but I believe that I have every right to feel that way and I’m actually not letting that anger control my life or even my mind 24/7. It more or less comes and goes throughout the day and I just let it pass through my mind unless something or someone has triggered me. This is why I believe that by not forgiving the kid who sexually assaulted that I have a tiny bit of power over him and one thing he can never take away from me and I could metaphorically dangle it in his face and yank it away whenever he tries to get get. Forgiving him will never stop the pain of what he did to me and he never showed any signs of remorse for causing me so much trauma and I honestly don’t know if he’s still hurt anyone else and using his job position as a way to make sure his victims stay quiet and I can’t forgive myself if I basically absolve him from what he did to me and he continued to hurt even more people. I know that he never felt sorry for what he did because he basically got away with it! I refuse to forgive someone like that and I just want others to respect that and that maybe forgiveness for me won’t make me feel better and might actually make me feel even worse than before because my mind will be filled with “what if” scenarios of him abusing even more people knowing that he can get away with it without feeling guilty because all his victims just hand him their forgiveness.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I have gone through life without being pissed off at too many people, count myself as lucky. no family feuds, not religious. abusive people have psychological issues or possibly psychiatric. Turning the other cheek will not fix either of these.

 

[Metalhead]

Well, I am calmer now.

Listening to metal helped. Sometimes that music really speaks my language.

And I had a talk with the therapist, and she agrees my outright hatred of certain people in my family may be rightfully earned - but it is only holding me back.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

My oldest son is a real Metal fan takes trips to Germany for a festival every year.