I have an issue with my manager at work.

[bchamp]

Okay, so it's not really a bad thing.. in terms of getting in trouble..

Listen, she's a mom, probably mid/early 30's. I'm 21, and well... I love her personality, and have a high amount of respect for her. She's definitely helped me grow as a person, by giving me many opportunities at work, which I appreciate so much and I've mentioned. For her birthday I gave her a $50 gift card, that I purchased myself.

I really really like her, but I get, and really understand it would never work. I'm okay with that. We are really friendly with each other, and would love to chat personally with her.. and I try to make small chit chats with her, nothing awkward. Just really enjoy talking to her whenever possible. I've been told she thinks very highly of me as one of her employee, I'm a front end supervisor, and she's the head of our front end.

The problem I have is I want her to treat me like family, like real family as if she's my mother. It's weird, I know but occasional hugs, and family things like that. I just admire her and really look up to her as if she is my own mother in a weird way. Not that I lack any of that at home. I get that I'm a guy, and it might be looked at differently if we acted really close in a work place environment. Even if I were to ask for her number, it would be treated differently. I hate to say but I really love her and look up to her in that perspective believe it or not. It's hard to say, or tell anyone... Because I really can't, cause it would make it really awkward for both of me, and her if she heard about it.

I can't really express myself anywhere else, and it's not like I want an inappropriate like you might have though(I wouldn't mind one though haha). But I needed to get it out there because I'm just so done feeling so attached to her, wanting her praise on everything I do.. and her comfort for any problems I have in life.

 

[Bolletje]

You’d be best off keeping a professional distance.

 

[Judge]

You've posted another thread about romantically approaching a subordinate. Think of the same considerations in reverse regarding your boss. That it's inherently precarious for her to be involved emotionally with you beyond anything else but a subordinate in the workplace. If you really care about her, do not go any further than you already have.

It's a good thing for one's boss to behave positively towards their workers. However there are still lines they must draw when doing such things. And again, this is where it pays to understand whatever fraternization policies your employer may or may not have.

Keep your emotional ties along the lines of peers or people who work in different departments if your company allows for it. Otherwise you may be "playing with fire".

 

[FreeDiver]

If you two wanna take it to the next level. Then one of you needs to quit working for that company and find another job. Otherwise, this is gonna be a very volatile situation.

 

[bchamp]

You've posted another thread about romantically approaching a subordinate. Think of the same considerations in reverse regarding your boss. That it's inherently precarious for her to be involved emotionally with you beyond anything else but a subordinate in the workplace. If you really care about her, do not go any further than you already have.

It's a good thing for one's boss to behave positively towards their workers. However there are still lines they must draw when doing such things. And again, this is where it pays to understand whatever fraternization policies your employer may or may not have.

Keep your emotional ties along the lines of peers or people who work in different departments if your company allows for it. Otherwise you may be "playing with fire".

Thank you, and the others. I don't get me, I really don't. It doesn't disturb my work that I do, it's just.. a struggle wanting to say things you can't.

 

[Judge]

Thank you, and the others. I don't get me, I really don't. It doesn't disturb my work that I do, it's just.. a struggle wanting to say things you can't.

Well, in your defense there is one sad reality that many people have to grapple with. That the best chance of making friends and significant others is often in the workplace. For so many depending on the demands work places on them, there's few social alternatives.

There's the logic of finding people at work to relate to, but also the precarious nature of it all given company policy. And perhaps worst of all, even a legitimate relationship at work goes bad can impact your job performance as well. Unfortunately there's seldom any simple remedies to adult socialization, even perhaps for many Neurotypicals. It's just another aspect about entering the adult world that no one tells you about.

 

[bchamp]

Well, in your defense there is one sad reality that many people have to grapple with. That the best chance of making friends and significant others is often in the workplace. For so many depending on the demands work places on them, there's few social alternatives.

There's the logic of finding people at work to relate to, but also the precarious nature of it all given company policy. And perhaps worst of all, even a legitimate relationship at work goes bad can impact your job performance as well. Unfortunately there's seldom any simple remedies to adult socialization, even perhaps for many Neurotypicals. It's just another aspect about entering the adult world that no one tells you about.

Well as I said in the OP.. It's not really about having her as a significant other.. Honestly. It's just I want to be super close to her in other realities. It's super weird but something I do desire. I could see it happening if I worked in a different department, or store. But I like the position I have, in fact she expects me to run the department like she would if she's not there.

I definitely wouldn't ruin my job over it, I know better. .. I think.

 

[Bella Pines]

Thank you, and the others. I don't get me, I really don't. It doesn't disturb my work that I do, it's just.. a struggle wanting to say things you can't.

I've often analysed this about myself.

I think there are several aspects to it, one is the "all or nothing" part. I don't think aspies work in the grey, it's black and white all the way. So with relationships, we either barely acknowledge someone or they are our best friend and we have to know everything about them down to the colour of their curtains.

The other aspect to it is our story telling. We have fantastic imaginations and often write complexities and stories around things that other people just don't see. We are capable of having full on romances in our heads without the other party ever even knowing about it. This part is why I am retraining to be an author, we have great imaginations.

But the combination of a) our imagination with b) our intensity and c) another human being, can be an explosive mix.

For instance, a while back I became quite attached to a woman at work. She was my age, had 3 kids, successful at work, sparking personality, she lit up the room. We spent a lot of time together on a project and not only got on really well, but we worked together well too and the project was a tremendous success. When the two of us walked into a meeting, everyone stopped and listened to us, it was awesome. But, there came a point when I checked facebook and saw a photo of her laughing with a group of people. I looked them up, I thought about contacting them, I was quite seriously jealous.

Until it twigged, I had done it again. Amped up a relationship in my head and grown disproportionately attached to someone. Again.

This happens, this is about the 5th time it's happened to me. But do no expect it to be reciprocated in any way and if you act on it, expect people to run for the hills. I do think it is an aspie thing, there are several posts here trying to understand why girls run screaming, block phone numbers and are a step away from a restraining order.

So what I would suggest is to rein it in, remember that a little of us goes a long way. Recognize the intensity we can feel when we are all in and try to control it. Recognize that the other party (unless they are aspie) will not approach the relationship with such intensity. Mirror their behaviour and you'll move toward a healthy long term relationship without sending her running to the police station.

Also recognize that this is a good thing. Would you rather an amazingly intense relationship or be stuck in smalltalk land with dozens of empty friends.

 

[Judge]

Well as I said in the OP.. It's not really about having her as a significant other.. Honestly. It's just I want to be super close to her in other realities. It's super weird but something I do desire. I could see it happening if I worked in a different department, or store. But I like the position I have, in fact she expects me to run the department like she would if she's not there.

I definitely wouldn't ruin my job over it, I know better. .. I think.

Look at it this way. You're friends with her...and she appreciates the job you do for your department.

This is good. Take it for what it is in the present. And leave it that way.

 

[Mary Anne]

I do think it is an aspie thing, there are several posts here trying to understand why girls run screaming, block phone numbers and are a step away from a restraining order.

So what I would suggest is to rein it in, remember that a little of us goes a long way. Recognize the intensity we can feel when we are all in and try to control it. Recognize that the other party (unless they are aspie) will not approach the relationship with such intensity. Mirror their behaviour and you'll move toward a healthy long term relationship without sending her running to the police station.

Other people with the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BOD) also do this relational intensity issue. It’s not just “an aspie thing.” In fact until I read your post here, I never realized it could be an aspie thing at all. Thank you, it makes total sense!

What is very sad is to realize that the possibility of wide misdiagnosis and terrible stigma of BPD when it could be autism instead. What is an example of BPD? The movie “Fatal Attraction” shows it in a most extreme stereotyped unfavorable way.

 

[Bella Pines]

Actually, before now, I never thought about it outside my own obsessions, but this may be a common trait in several DSMs, borderline, probably bipolar too.

I have always had problems with relationships, oscillating between all and nothing and probably always will. But now I have learned to recognize "the look". When people freeze with an "oh my god she's a psycho freak" look on their faces. That's when I ease up!

 

[Mary Anne]

Well as I said in the OP.. It's not really about having her as a significant other.. Honestly. It's just I want to be super close to her in other realities. It's super weird but something I do desire. I could see it happening if I worked in a different department, or store. But I like the position I have, in fact she expects me to run the department like she would if she's not there.

I definitely wouldn't ruin my job over it, I know better. .. I think.

Please learn about boundaries. You seem to not understand what boundaries are for working with others. It in inappropriate to express these feelings for bosses, and co workers. I mean, it’s ok to have them inside your head, but you should never act out on them.

She should not have accepted that $50.00 gift card from you either. Workplaces often have rules about not accepting that sort of “gift” as it can be misconstrued.

You cannot go through like wanting this sort of “motherly” closeness as it’s going to freak us (most females) out! To desire to “be treated like family” is a really all expectation of friendship- especially in a work environment.