i cant possibly earn respect or admiration.

[flutterfly]

i talked to my parents about health issues, they brought up things how i could be wrong. they accused me of thinking they dont love me and told me not to expect to be treated like on tv. it makes me feel stupid. im in my 30s and have my degree in music which they dont approve of. they insist i will absolutely not ever ever get a job in it, no matter how many i can think of which im quizzed over so often.
i have a job that they pressured me to get.
my mom gestured that if i dont work this job ill have no job. i dont know why the job situation was brought up. i know they know i want something else but my health issues were brought up by me, not this. mom wants to know what i think is wrong physically and is calling me selfish because i havent said anything. i feel like ill be treated like im stupid or how im wrong if i do make that suggestion. and it doesnt matter.
i dont drive.
i feel like im treated more with miscommunication and frustration just because i came myself. they said its because im an adult that i feel more autistic and i feel gaslit.
sorry if this doesnt make sense, im new here and was trying to be concise.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Well, the reality is that you're looking for respect and admiration in the wrong place...your family. You may, indeed, have an ASD, but they have made a "moral diagnosis" about what kind of person you are...and that's their cognitive bias. They will never think or say, "Well he is autistic, so I will give him a pass." The world will not do that either. Furthermore, if you are living at home, there is a power dynamic. They will always see you as their child, and treat you that way whether or not you are living at home or on your own. When I was in my 50's, had a well-paying career, house, wife, children,...and my parents still treated me as if I was their child. You're not likely to get out from under that perception.

Don't look for validation, respect, admiration...or even love at this point. Let that idea go. Take control of your own life. At some point you just NEED to invest in yourself, break out of your little bubble you've created, stop relying on others, take some risks, do things that make you uncomfortable, create some goals in life, and get on with it. The only person you need to please is yourself. The best kind of respect is self-respect. The best kind of pride is self-pride. Stop looking to others. You are the only person holding yourself back at this point. You cannot rely upon anyone else but you. Get into that frame of mind and you might just surprise the crap out of yourself at what you can do.

 

[flutterfly]

Well, the reality is that you're looking for respect and admiration in the wrong place...your family. You may, indeed, have an ASD, but they have made a "moral diagnosis" about what kind of person you are...and that's their cognitive bias. They will never think or say, "Well he is autistic, so I will give him a pass." The world will not do that either. Furthermore, if you are living at home, there is a power dynamic. They will always see you as their child, and treat you that way whether or not you are living at home or on your own. When I was in my 50's, had a well-paying career, house, wife, children,...and my parents still treated me as if I was their child. You're not likely to get out from under that perception.

Don't look for validation, respect, admiration...or even love at this point. Let that idea go. Take control of your own life. At some point you just NEED to invest in yourself, break out of your little bubble you've created, stop relying on others, take some risks, do things that make you uncomfortable, create some goals in life, and get on with it. The only person you need to please is yourself. The best kind of respect is self-respect. The best kind of pride is self-pride. Stop looking to others. You are the only person holding yourself back at this point. You cannot rely upon anyone else but you. Get into that frame of mind and you might just surprise the crap out of yourself at what you can do.

well. the thing is i wasnt even talking about my job. the problem is ive been happy with myself for some years now. and i feel like that made things worse because they actually dont want that.
so i talk about a health issue that is confirmed and i proved myself not to want their approval or i would be talking details of my suspicions. suspicions do not equal truth any more than if they think i could pull off a musical career or not. i think it is inappropriate but you are right about bias. but i am not looking for an autistic pass when i wasnt the one who was misbehaving. they constantly misconstrue things what i say and what each other say. and just make things more miserable.
my topic meant its not possible, doesnt mean im necessarily looking for it. me staying at a job they made me get has not made them respect me more. so whats the point. if anything im more confident. nothing is obviously helping. you can follow every rule.. i could sell my instruments and claim to give it up entirely and they will still find something wrong lol.
if i held myself back i wouldnt have finished school in the first place. but it would be nice to have some accountability to be able to be more independent. i would probably get more done. im not saying im not responsible. so that makes me confused by this sentence. "Get into that frame of mind and you might just surprise the crap out of yourself at what you can do." i have done stuff, but im not surprised because i knew i had it in me. but i cant expect someone to cart me to any gigs all the time . occasional is different than say a theatre run for a month or so. unless you mean if i try to drive without anyone's help?

 

[Judge]

Over the years here I have heard one too many stories of how we can be mistreated most often by those within our closest social orbit. Particularly our own family members when even as adults we may be living under their roof and not our own.

I can only wonder what is truly in the hearts and minds of neurotypical parents of autistic children, whether they are grown adults or not. That for some parents, they may indeed have a deep-seated and unspoken form of guilt- even perhaps resentment for bearing an autistic child. Resulting in endless social turmoil and criticism, especially when everyone is under the same roof.

If this is the case, your best plan is to figure out how to become entirely independent of them.

When you can contemplate far less contact (or none at all) with them to a point where their constant criticisms no longer matter to you. Particularly with such parents who may forever see you as something less than you are. A "bitter pill to swallow", but it may not be an ultimate solution, but rather the only one.

 

[Mary Terry]

@flutterfly - What would it take for you to move out of your parents' house and get a place of your own?

 

[Judge]

@flutterfly - What would it take for you to move out of your parents' house and get a place of your own?

GMTA. See above.

It must be devastating to learn of what may be in the minds of some parents who act out against their own autistic children out of a sense of guilt and shame.

However if this is what motivates their ill treatment of their own children, there's likely nothing you can ever do personally to change their frame of mind. Not to mention they'd probably never admit it.

 

[Coxhere]

i talked to my parents about health issues, they brought up things how i could be wrong. they accused me of thinking they dont love me and told me not to expect to be treated like on tv. it makes me feel stupid. im in my 30s and have my degree in music which they dont approve of. they insist i will absolutely not ever ever get a job in it, no matter how many i can think of which im quizzed over so often.
i have a job that they pressured me to get.
my mom gestured that if i dont work this job ill have no job. i dont know why the job situation was brought up. i know they know i want something else but my health issues were brought up by me, not this. mom wants to know what i think is wrong physically and is calling me selfish because i havent said anything. i feel like ill be treated like im stupid or how im wrong if i do make that suggestion. and it doesnt matter.
i dont drive.
i feel like im treated more with miscommunication and frustration just because i came myself. they said its because im an adult that i feel more autistic and i feel gaslit.
sorry if this doesnt make sense, im new here and was trying to be concise.

flutterfly, you make perfect sense and you've been very concise even as you are confused as to what's going on and what you might need to be doing to make things better for yourself. For sure, taking care of yourself is not selfish.