how do i explain to my partner i need him more than what he’s giving me now?

[madisen622]

i realize this was a bad title but i don’t know how else to put it.

i’ve always struggled with showering, it’s hard for me. the transitioning in and out of the shower, being wet, having to take off my clothes, etc. my partner and i recently had a conversation where he found out i only showered once a week since we started living together (we have different work schedules.) he was surprised i could see it on his face, i felt disgusting talking about it and seeing his reaction. i told him my mom always helped me with it, she washed my hair and helped me stay on top of showering at least every other day or third day when i was having a HARD time even with her help.

i guess my question is: how do i tell him i need him to help me with daily tasks? these include reminding me to take my medicine, bathing, using the bathroom, eating when i’m full because i can’t understand my body cues most of the time, etc.

i’ve been struggling really badly recently with this, any advice helps.

 

[Judge]

Perhaps the first thing to be aware of, is perhaps something you already know. That asking such things of someone may depend largely on how well you know them. To be able to assess whether or not they are a "nurturing" person or not. Many people aren't, for whatever reason.

You're struggling with this, so it would seem you are anything but confident about how this may go down with your significant other. Though I don't anyone here would blame you.

My perspective is not based on having to ask anyone of such things, but rather being the person asked. I have been a caregiver to my mother in her last four years before she passed away. Something my older brother totally balked at. I have also taken care of a girlfriend's daughter, from ages four to seven. More like a parent than a babysitter, as she had physical, emotional and a few hygiene issues. What complicated it was my girlfriend, who was desperate to make a business work that she won in a divorce settlement. Leaving her little time for her daughter, despite my working full-time myself.

I also took care of another girlfriend along the lines of what you want to ask of your significant other. In her case it was over an injury that left her incapable of taking care of herself in the most personal of ways. Being right-handed and having severely broken her wrist. I took off time from work for a few weeks to take care of her, given her total panic and hysteria over losing her ability to do so much most people would take for granted.

Under such circumstances, I would try (if possible) to not only be gentle in explaining such things to your significant other, but also to try to do it incrementally in the process. Not to dump too much on him all at once. Mostly given that a lot of people for any number of reasons may simply shy away from what you are asking. Though this would also mean attempting to try to be more proactive about taking care of your own needs to some extent to make up the difference. This way if he is receptive to such a request, you may be able to ease him into this role. It's what my girlfriend did in asking me to take care of her daughter. At the beginning, I was quite unsure about it all, but had she asked me to do everything she needed at the outset, I might have declined. But I didn't, and it made it easier for me to slowly absorb so many things I felt was out of my league to be doing. It helped tremendously though as well that her daughter and I quickly bonded, which seemed to be a factor her mother was very aware of. It made so many things much less awkward or embarrassing for both of us.

The main thing here IMO is that you asking a lot, where it can be complicated in whether or not a person is up to such things, or not at all. And in this instance some people can be overly judgemental about such things, making the whole proposition quite sensitive for you to negotiate. Where you must be very attentive towards your significant other to try to get a feel for whether or not he's up to such a thing or not. The main reason for approaching such a request incrementally, so you don't literally scare him away.

That some people are "givers", while others are "takers". And that sometimes it's not something to easily perceive with people, even when you think you know them. In essence, some people emotionally and physically have what it takes to be a nurse, while most people don't.

 

[Rocco]

Maybe you could make an effort to shower with him a few times a week and have him help you with your hair and back or whatever.
A medicine container that has a week to a months worth of compartments can help you stay on track with your medications, and alarms on your phone could help you with medication times.
Alarms on your phone for bathroom breaks and meal times would help too.
It sounds like you need to establish a structured routine for self care and phone alarms combined with lists or reminders might help a lot.