AngelaS267
Well-Known Member
I've had a very difficult journey when it comes to my career path. Since I started understanding my neurodivergence, I have figured out slowly over time all the ways it has impacted my life. I figured out that I am autistic and likely have ADHD when I was 23. I spent a lot of my younger years trying to understand what was "wrong with me" and it was a bit of a relief when I could finally put a name to why I was so different from everyone else around me.
That didn't stop my career journey from being difficult. I still had to learn how my ND's affected me at work. My first serious job, I worked so hard to take it seriously, and I ended up learning a lot. Most of my core job skills came from this place. It's difficult though when you know you're smart, but you have a silent barrier between you and everyone else. I would make mistakes and it made me upset silently because I truly cared about the work I was doing, but I noticed how much more small mistakes I made compared to others. Eventually, employers would give me simpler and simpler tasks while my colleagues at the time flew past me, became salaried, and adjusted to the work environment. I think one of the most painful parts is not being able to connect with the people I work with everyday because ultimately I get over stimulated and don't speak much eventually. I noticed the pattern I had and this would begin to scare me on my job searches moving forward. I know how to interview well and say what they expect of me. It's actually the easiest part of getting a job for me. I realized that I sounded very promising upfront. I knew how to be charismatic, and sound promising. Then my first few weeks of work, I put on my best mask. I smile, I try to say hello to everyone, and I am super on top of things. It almost feels like I was attempting to perform a corporate woman. But then slowly my NDs starts to appear. I make less eye contact. And nothing is worse than the feeling of watching people who were curious about you and smile at you slowly stop talking to you, stop smiling at you, and eventually avoid speaking to you all together. I know the exact moment that people start to find me odd. And it hurts my feelings so much, but I know it's not their fault. They just do not fully understand, and I never explain why to anyone.
I was in a traumatic situation at that job, and eventually I lost it which was the most gut wrenching feeling because I didn't want to leave. I felt ashamed of myself. I had to find another job, and it was hard to get, but one small company emailed my private email from their private email. I should've taken this as a red flag, but I needed the money and was in a horrible situation. The same thing happened at this job. The great interview. They spoke like I was going to come and fix all of their problems. I was only Admin. From the start the work environment was terrible. I never experienced anything like it. There was only about 6-7 of us total included the owners who were married. We'd have a meeting every morning, and he would want us to give feedback to the mechanics, and it almost felt like perpetually negative feedback. Say what you did wrong, get a lecture from the boss. In a tiny small backroom in an auto shop. I was in hell. My traits were way more obvious in that setting. All I wanted to do was do my tasks and keep to myself, and this bothered them. They kept telling me I needed to take more initiative. Again, I began to see their disappointment. From once thinking I was this great candidate to then sensing something was weird about me. On top of that, I was in a horrible situation in my private life and I was literally in so much turmoil, I don't even know how I survived it. They did reviews for everyone and I watched him berate another coworker who I also suspect was an older ND person who was great with numbers and a very sweet soul. He told that coworker in a fit of rage one meeting that he didn't even want to hire him back (They let him go before but asked for him back.) If it wasn't for his wife (Other owner) he wouldn't have wanted him there. I was shocked by this, and expressed to the manager there that I found it to be inappropriate. But it was like nobody said anything. I got to my review and their plan for me was to go down my resume and tell me why what it said didn't match with what I gave them. I start crying and they asked me if anything was going on. They were also extremely nosy. I watched them weaponize peoples personal business against them and speak about it ignorantly and blatantly in a group setting as to why a worker wasn't doing what they wanted. They always inquired about why I didn't have a car. To the point where they kept bringing it up, and I know they had private conversations about it. They had a favorite, who was the manager. I didn't mind that, I wasn't aiming to be the favorite, but oh my goodness... He would get gifts and bonuses in front of everyone while everyone got berated. If everyone did good that week, manager was praised. If it was a bad week, everyone got chewed out. I could go on and on, but the main horror that made me leave was when the CEO came and berated me telling me I didn't communicate about the shredder people coming. It was in front of the manager. I just stood silent. I texted him and asked to have a conversation with him. Of course his wife was there, and I told him I do not appreciate being spoken to that way and to not talk to me like that again in a group setting. He then began to have a power struggle with me, but I stood my ground. I know he would not let it go. I did not yell. I didn't pout. I said clearly and directly do not disrespect me like that again. The next day he had a meeting with me and the manager, and they came down on me... For 3 hours. And then my hours got cut. I quit. The only thing I regret is not saying **** you to them before I left.
Well, that was a horrifying experience, and I never told anyone what happened. I felt targeted and humiliated. But anyways, I had to restart my life after that point, because I just couldn't maintain my life as it stood at that time. Well I interview at this place, and I was going to do admin again, but she saw my set of skills and asked me to interview for something more aligned with data entry and finance. She said it paid more, and we got along great on the phone. Again, I interview well, so it wasn't an issue, but by this point I have this wound. Of feeling like ultimately I will have to leave because people will not want me around. I got my current job, and my boss is quirky. And it's comfortable to where I feel I can talk to her. My coworker at this job I notice silently helps me. When I was confused on something early on I got nervous that they'd think I was stupid. But no... When a mistake was made, my coworker even took the blame and nobody got upset. I notice after my experiences that I spiral if I'm confused on something or if I make a mistake because I expect people to make me feel incompetent. But at this job.... It hasn't happened. My boss does not micro manage me at all. Not even a little. And I guess I'm inspired to make this long drawn out post because I made my first kind of big mistake at work. Not earth shattering, but it made me so scared that my appetite left last weekend and I felt sick before I had to solve the issue this week. But when I got to work, I was just honest with my boss, and she told me that she appreciated my honesty, and that most people would blame someone else. She said it was not a big deal, and we talked about our weekend.... It almost makes me want to cry. Because it felt like the only way I could ever get and keep a job where people understand me is if I got extremely lucky. So many small factors would have to line up for me to get a place where I can be successful. And it's not perfect, but at least now have a place where I am treated with respect and provided freedom and autonomy. I don't even know what I wanted to ask or get at with this post. But if you're an autistic person who struggles in the work force, I see you. People don't even begin to know the difficulties and the stress that we deal with to navigate a job. It really does feel like you just have to get extremely lucky, and bonus points if you have another neurospicy person on your team. I'd like to hear other peoples journeys too. Just know I stand with you and I see you.
That didn't stop my career journey from being difficult. I still had to learn how my ND's affected me at work. My first serious job, I worked so hard to take it seriously, and I ended up learning a lot. Most of my core job skills came from this place. It's difficult though when you know you're smart, but you have a silent barrier between you and everyone else. I would make mistakes and it made me upset silently because I truly cared about the work I was doing, but I noticed how much more small mistakes I made compared to others. Eventually, employers would give me simpler and simpler tasks while my colleagues at the time flew past me, became salaried, and adjusted to the work environment. I think one of the most painful parts is not being able to connect with the people I work with everyday because ultimately I get over stimulated and don't speak much eventually. I noticed the pattern I had and this would begin to scare me on my job searches moving forward. I know how to interview well and say what they expect of me. It's actually the easiest part of getting a job for me. I realized that I sounded very promising upfront. I knew how to be charismatic, and sound promising. Then my first few weeks of work, I put on my best mask. I smile, I try to say hello to everyone, and I am super on top of things. It almost feels like I was attempting to perform a corporate woman. But then slowly my NDs starts to appear. I make less eye contact. And nothing is worse than the feeling of watching people who were curious about you and smile at you slowly stop talking to you, stop smiling at you, and eventually avoid speaking to you all together. I know the exact moment that people start to find me odd. And it hurts my feelings so much, but I know it's not their fault. They just do not fully understand, and I never explain why to anyone.
I was in a traumatic situation at that job, and eventually I lost it which was the most gut wrenching feeling because I didn't want to leave. I felt ashamed of myself. I had to find another job, and it was hard to get, but one small company emailed my private email from their private email. I should've taken this as a red flag, but I needed the money and was in a horrible situation. The same thing happened at this job. The great interview. They spoke like I was going to come and fix all of their problems. I was only Admin. From the start the work environment was terrible. I never experienced anything like it. There was only about 6-7 of us total included the owners who were married. We'd have a meeting every morning, and he would want us to give feedback to the mechanics, and it almost felt like perpetually negative feedback. Say what you did wrong, get a lecture from the boss. In a tiny small backroom in an auto shop. I was in hell. My traits were way more obvious in that setting. All I wanted to do was do my tasks and keep to myself, and this bothered them. They kept telling me I needed to take more initiative. Again, I began to see their disappointment. From once thinking I was this great candidate to then sensing something was weird about me. On top of that, I was in a horrible situation in my private life and I was literally in so much turmoil, I don't even know how I survived it. They did reviews for everyone and I watched him berate another coworker who I also suspect was an older ND person who was great with numbers and a very sweet soul. He told that coworker in a fit of rage one meeting that he didn't even want to hire him back (They let him go before but asked for him back.) If it wasn't for his wife (Other owner) he wouldn't have wanted him there. I was shocked by this, and expressed to the manager there that I found it to be inappropriate. But it was like nobody said anything. I got to my review and their plan for me was to go down my resume and tell me why what it said didn't match with what I gave them. I start crying and they asked me if anything was going on. They were also extremely nosy. I watched them weaponize peoples personal business against them and speak about it ignorantly and blatantly in a group setting as to why a worker wasn't doing what they wanted. They always inquired about why I didn't have a car. To the point where they kept bringing it up, and I know they had private conversations about it. They had a favorite, who was the manager. I didn't mind that, I wasn't aiming to be the favorite, but oh my goodness... He would get gifts and bonuses in front of everyone while everyone got berated. If everyone did good that week, manager was praised. If it was a bad week, everyone got chewed out. I could go on and on, but the main horror that made me leave was when the CEO came and berated me telling me I didn't communicate about the shredder people coming. It was in front of the manager. I just stood silent. I texted him and asked to have a conversation with him. Of course his wife was there, and I told him I do not appreciate being spoken to that way and to not talk to me like that again in a group setting. He then began to have a power struggle with me, but I stood my ground. I know he would not let it go. I did not yell. I didn't pout. I said clearly and directly do not disrespect me like that again. The next day he had a meeting with me and the manager, and they came down on me... For 3 hours. And then my hours got cut. I quit. The only thing I regret is not saying **** you to them before I left.
Well, that was a horrifying experience, and I never told anyone what happened. I felt targeted and humiliated. But anyways, I had to restart my life after that point, because I just couldn't maintain my life as it stood at that time. Well I interview at this place, and I was going to do admin again, but she saw my set of skills and asked me to interview for something more aligned with data entry and finance. She said it paid more, and we got along great on the phone. Again, I interview well, so it wasn't an issue, but by this point I have this wound. Of feeling like ultimately I will have to leave because people will not want me around. I got my current job, and my boss is quirky. And it's comfortable to where I feel I can talk to her. My coworker at this job I notice silently helps me. When I was confused on something early on I got nervous that they'd think I was stupid. But no... When a mistake was made, my coworker even took the blame and nobody got upset. I notice after my experiences that I spiral if I'm confused on something or if I make a mistake because I expect people to make me feel incompetent. But at this job.... It hasn't happened. My boss does not micro manage me at all. Not even a little. And I guess I'm inspired to make this long drawn out post because I made my first kind of big mistake at work. Not earth shattering, but it made me so scared that my appetite left last weekend and I felt sick before I had to solve the issue this week. But when I got to work, I was just honest with my boss, and she told me that she appreciated my honesty, and that most people would blame someone else. She said it was not a big deal, and we talked about our weekend.... It almost makes me want to cry. Because it felt like the only way I could ever get and keep a job where people understand me is if I got extremely lucky. So many small factors would have to line up for me to get a place where I can be successful. And it's not perfect, but at least now have a place where I am treated with respect and provided freedom and autonomy. I don't even know what I wanted to ask or get at with this post. But if you're an autistic person who struggles in the work force, I see you. People don't even begin to know the difficulties and the stress that we deal with to navigate a job. It really does feel like you just have to get extremely lucky, and bonus points if you have another neurospicy person on your team. I'd like to hear other peoples journeys too. Just know I stand with you and I see you.
