Friendships

[louloulovesdogs]

So I was trying to figure out if this is typical. I have a few close friends, and a number of acquaintances, but what I've realized sort of recently is that all of my close friends have closer friends. Is this typical of aspies?

 

[Keigan]

Yes, I'm like third string friend, not so close.

 

[Bolletje]

For me, it's mostly that I was my friends best friend, but they have started making new best friends because I'm often unavailable.

 

[xudo]

For some of us, yes. Others have many friends.

 

[Momo]

Seems pretty normal to me. When I have friends I'm not usually the closest of the bunch.

 

[Maiki]

I also have that issue. Feel a bit like the perpetual outsider. Sort of want to get closer with several of those acquaintances, but hardly ever feel like I want to do all the stuff that they like to do... I get overwhelmed if I'm spending too much time with someone socially-- esp. if they want to be in my house. It's exhausting to me. I have had a number of very close friends, but it seems we burn bright, then burn out. No real drama; we just end up drifting apart. The few longtime friends that I consider my kindred spirits live thousands of kms away, so we are only able to see each other ~ 1 x per year. I suspect that's why our friendships haven't faded. No need for me to pull away from someone who is too far away to make me feel overwhelmed. We communicate about common interests in heart-felt ways via text, email, letters or cards. Rarely by phone...

 

[Katleya]

I have few very close friends, and all of them have a best friend.
As you can guess, that best friend is never me.

I'm not sure what a best friend is. Is it even real? Why do people need to rank their friends like that, is there some kind of friendship competition that I forgot to enter?

 

[Gracey]

I don't seem to understand what people want from me as a friend. Not really.
I don't understand the 'rules'
I spend a lot of time by myself and don't chat much. It would seem that isn't okay in a 'friendship'. Doesn't help maintain a relationship.

 

[Jimbo]

Yes. I have lots of acquaintences but I don't have many close friends. I guess it's my fault for being afraid to let people get to know the real me.

 

[Tyrantus1212]

My situation to a tee - and this is in fact typical of Aspies. I only managed to make a few close friends over the past couple of years, and have had multiple acquaintances including former classmates that I hardly ever talk to (many of my former classmates don't like me at all, the infamous "college story" of mine not for this post), Facebook "friends" that I hardly ever talk to, and online gaming contacts. Anyway, these close friends are all NT and have so many other close friends, and as a matter of fact it makes me feel very jealous. I get worried that they may hang out with those other friends more than they hang out with me, and my therapist told me that this worry stems from low self-esteem and simply jealousy of other people having more friends. He actually told me to give them some space so that they can focus on me AND those other friends, instead of mostly on me.

I'm very clingy to these friends because they actually appreciate me for who I am and it's just so rare to find such people - especially for me; I consider myself extremely lucky and I can never let go of these people - while at the same time with a history of not making any friends and pushing people away, I'm scared to let that happen again with THESE people. Paradoxically, my doc did tell me that I'm playing with fire, increasing the risk of them leaving me, whenever I act too clingy. I cannot let that happen again, not this time. I decided to be less clingy but I think I'm starting to regress into the clinginess and neediness again since I haven't hung out with them in over a month. I just don't know how to handle all these gaps, it feels so darn lonely - I really want to see them every single day or at least every single weekend

 

[Sabrina]

Thank you, you've explained in simple words what usually happens to me. It's like you've solved a puzzle that I couldn't figure out.

 

[Bella Pines]

Sounds normal. I often over estimate how "close" my close friends are. And so many times I've found that my "best friend" actually doesn't have me as their best friend at all!. I reached a cross roads some time back where I had to choose between putting the time and effort in to maintain a friendship and work towards it being a close friendship, or backing off. I chose b).

I choose not to bother nowadays and make new friends when necessary. This stresses me out way less!