Ever been bullied? What was your best/worst experience?

[Pats]

Same with me! For me the saddest moment was when my sister joined my high school. She was rather popular at the time, while I was part of the misfits. At one point I talked to her at recess and she told me to go away, she couldn't be seen with me because that would damage her reputation. I was a little hurt by that at the time, but I was more worried about how sensitive my sister was to peer pressure. Luckily we have a better relationship now that we're both in our thirties.

My one sister is 11 months older than me. She was also popular - cheerleader, perfect attendance,a student. She didn't have anything to do with me at school or in front of friends, except to try to humiliate me in front of them. When she was married to a doctor and made her life with the upper class, she also made sure to keep her friends from meeting me. These days, she's mad and insulted that I don't keep in touch and don't go visit her and stopped going places with her.

 

[Bolletje]

My one sister is 11 months older than me. She was also popular - cheerleader, perfect attendance,a student. She didn't have anything to do with me at school or in front of friends, except to try to humiliate me in front of them. When she was married to a doctor and made her life with the upper class, she also made sure to keep her friends from meeting me. These days, she's mad and insulted that I don't keep in touch and don't go visit her and stopped going places with her.

That's terrible! Good on you for drawing the line and refusing to indulge in her abuse though.

 

[Pats]

Actually, I think in the 60's and 70's what was considered bullies what someone who took your lunch money or pushed you into your lockers. And we grew up with the phrase "sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me". I think we were taught not to take things like that to heart because there ARE a lot of mean people in the world.

 

[Raphael Outcast]

I am so confused about this fake, two faced behavior. This is the reason I stay away from most people.

Yes, it really does seem as though fake two-faced behaviour is actually normal; I have a feeling most people don't even fully realize they're behaving in that fashion, or else maybe because they see all the other normal people doing behaving in that fashion it doesn't occur to them to question whether they ought to be doing likewise.

In some instances fake two-faced behaviour even constitutes good manners, e.g. saying, "Good to see you!" when actually it isn't. Again, maybe this to some extent legitimizes fake two-faced behaviour.

Typically, to those of us on the Spectrum, fake two-faced behaviour simply seems illogical.

Another possibility in the school situation you've described is that someone was genuinely keen to assist you in the context of the classroom, then wanted to "save face" by joining in the general mockery or criticism afterwards. If a load of people are running somebody down, an insecure person may wish to jump on that bandwagon in order to "fit in", which is a sad sign as far as that person goes, but meanwhile you end up suffering as a result.

But try not to give up on people altogether, because there actually are a few genuine & good people out there. They will always be pretty rare, throughout anyone's life, but you're not even going to meet them if you give up on the whole of the human race.

I must admit I tend to shy away from people myself, but I try to keep a little flicker of hope going. I don't think I've yet met all the people I'd like to meet, so clearly I have to force myself to carry on engaging with the human race if I'm going to meet any more people that I'll actually get pleasure from knowing.

Actually, I think in the 60s and 70s what was considered bullies what someone who took your lunch money or pushed you into your lockers. And we grew up with the phrase "sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me."

This is true, i.e. that "bullying" only used to mean physical bullying, but even as a young & weeping little boy at primary school in the 1970s, I knew there was something fundamentally mendacious about the old "...but words will never hurt me" gag, which the indolent teachers would try to fob me off with every damned breaktime! Psychological bullying can leave deeper & longer-lasting scars.

At the risk of citing a somewhat extreme example, recently I heard an interview on the B.B.C. with some guy who'd been interrogated by the old East German secret police. They used no physical violence, he said: they wore him down & broke him & got their answers purely by psychological torture.

 

[the_tortoise]

The sticks and stones rhyme is garbage. Words can hurt and they can hurt more because you often cannot prove them or show how they hurt you, which can make it so nobody believes you if you try to seek help and you feel crazy and alone on top of being hurt. The wounds inflicted by words do not stop hurting and heal automatically with time like physical injuries either.

 

[Raphael Outcast]

Wish you'd been there to point this out to the teachers at the time! I instinctively knew the truth of it, but didn't yet have the words.

I am at a loss to understand how an adult could repeatedly send a weeping and manifestly damaged and delicate and friendless child straight back into the fray with the advice: "Just tell them, 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.'" But this was standard practice, seemingly.

 

[Thirty Eight]

Actually, I think in the 60's and 70's what was considered bullies what someone who took your lunch money or pushed you into your lockers. And we grew up with the phrase "sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me". I think we were taught not to take things like that to heart because there ARE a lot of mean people in the world.

Sticks and stones thing is terrible. You eventually turn those words into stones, whether you like it not. Then it hurts you the rest of your life.

 

[Pats]

Sticks and stones thing is terrible. You eventually turn those words into stones, whether you like it not. Then it hurts you the rest of your life.

I'm not saying words don't hurt, they do. But it does seem like people are more sensitive to words than they used to be. And it IS up to each individual whether to let the words conquer them or that they conquer the words. If I had let everything that was said to me or about me have that much impact I'd still be in a hospital trying to recover. I'm not strong enough to fight against the physical, but I am strong enough to fight against the words. I know how to fight back with words, block them, ignore them, put a wall up against them or just flat out say 'so what, I'm used to it'.

 

[the_tortoise]

People have always had varying sensitivity to words and varying ability to deal with the hurt they cause. The only thing that has changed is that now it is acceptable to admit they hurt you.

Keep in mind that hurtful words are usually not just hurtful words but also hurtful actions that may not be assault on the body but can make life incredibly and undeniably difficult and the prrson being mistreated can’t control that.

Not everyone can choose how to feel either. If you have that ability to control what you feel, I am happy for you but not everyone does. Don’t blame people who cannot help their feelings, please, it does far more harm than good.

 

[Pats]

At the risk of citing a somewhat extreme example, recently I heard an interview on the B.B.C. with some guy who'd been interrogated by the old East German secret police. They used no physical violence, he said: they wore him down & broke him & got their answers purely by psychological torture.

I totally agree that kids are affected by words, especially from their parents. But as adults, we are not being held down and forced to listen to them. We do have a choice to walk away, cover our ears or whatever.

 

[Pats]

I, too, have been hurt by words. And I've always stood for the argument that other people do affect others and I also can not control getting upset from what others say. But we still are able to walk away.

 

[the_tortoise]

I totally agree that kids are affected by words, especially from their parents. But as adults, we are not being held down and forced to listen to them. We do have a choice to walk away, cover our ears or whatever.

People are still deeply affected by words as adults, especially if they do not have good supports or their only supports hurt them and particularly if they grew up with emotional abuse.

I had the same choices as a kid that I have now if someone hurts me with words. It is all about context (and sometimes bullies prevent you walking away, or have power in situations you can’t walk away from without doing even more harm to yourself).

And Thirty Eight is only 17 years old, not an adult yet, anyways.

 

[Pats]

And Thirty Eight knows he can put earplugs in and not have to listen. He's doing what he needs to do to protect himself against the words and choosing not to let the words destroy him. He knows there are mean people out there.

 

[the_tortoise]

I am definitely in agreement there are often things you can do to protect yourself and to minimize or negate the impact of bullying.

 

[mikie1011]

ever been bullied ___?

 

[Pats]

yes, but didn't realize I was being bullied until later - but definitely was - siblings, co-workers, classmates.

 

[Fino]

I've been hit as many times as a boxer but I've never hit anyone back so I'm like half a boxer or somethin!

 

[Nick12]

I was verry verry verry verry verry verry verry lucky only one kid bullied me in school her name was April Hubert and when she bullied me i went to tell the teacher and the teacher took care of it