Curious and Upset - but thats life right...

[Houbouthat]

Hi all,

I am a NT and tried to be in a relationship with someone on the autism spectrum. She was also bipolar and had manic depression. I always tried to make her happy and she would get upset very often but in turn it upset me because I truely want to enjoy every minute of life especially when away from work. My generalized question is I understand everyone living with autism is unqiue like all people but to those of you with auspergers is it almost impossible to let things go and just relax? I really wanted to make it work with the gf but she literally thought the world was against her. Hey life is tough and it can suck sometimes but one of the tricks I use is try not letting everything get to you. Wishing everyone the best and just trying to learn..thanks for reading.

 

[Bolletje]

Letting things go is an art many people both NT and ND haven’t mastered yet. It’s not uniquely an Aspie thing.

 

[shysnail]

It sounds like the two of you perhaps had very different outlooks on life and couldn't understand where the other was coming from. I think it is also worth considering that if she is autistic as well as having mental health issues, she may legitimately have been facing issues you weren't facing. So while your attitude of not letting things get to you could technically be a good one, that is much easier said than done when you have a brain completely wired towards things "getting" to you.

 

[Pinkie B]

My generalized question is I understand everyone living with autism is unqiue like all people but to those of you with auspergers is it almost impossible to let things go and just relax?

My answer: yes.

I really wanted to make it work with the gf but she literally thought the world was against her. Hey life is tough and it can suck sometimes but one of the tricks I use is try not letting everything get to you. Wishing everyone the best and just trying to learn..thanks for reading.

If she's on the spectrum, then the world actually really is against her. Saying, thinking or implying "Hey! Stop having problems and be like me!" is really not helpful. Maybe you could have tried understanding what the world from her perspective looked like instead? It's good advice for relationships in general.

 

[Pats]

Hi Houaboutthat and thank you for your best wishes and understanding that we are all unique.
As, I can only answer for myself - it IS almost impossible for me to let things go and completely relax. But there's a lot involved there. Apparently, we often sees things differently - when something is happening, because of all the additional input we're getting and unable to control, something non threatening may be threatening to us. The way our brain is wired, the synapses skips over the part of the brain that tells whether or not there is a real threat and goes straight to the fight or flight response. And it takes longer for it to calm down than the average NT.

Because we tend to take things more literally, when someone says something, we take it more seriously than what it may possibly have been meant.

Relaxing - forget it. Every muscle in my body remains so tense that when I think I'm relaxed I've been told by physical therapist that I'm too tense and need to relax. I respond, I thought I was relaxing.

Letting things go - I can't watch the news because it'll have me worked up for days or weeks and I can't sleep and can't get it out of my mind. I follow a strict set of rules that seem reasonable to me and don't understand why some people seem to have no rules at all and I just find it nearly impossible to deal with.

I could probably continue and fill pages upon pages, but, the point I'm making is that the way we experience (or process) things have such a strong effect that it interferes with everything - who we are and who we want to be to, how people see us and how we react, our mindset and abilities.

Again, I am only speaking for myself, but hope that helps answer your question.

 

[Bolletje]

Speaking for myself as someone with Aspergers and a bipolar disorder (which is the same as manic depression), sometimes it is hard to let things not get to you, because everything is hard and the world can seem like a hostile place. Just brushing it off and relaxing can be an insurmountable task.
I suspect anyone with mental illness (I’m referring to bipolar disorder here, not ASD) will tell you that “just not letting it get to you” is oftentimes just not an option.

 

[Fino]

Did you also ask this question on a Bipolar forum?

I'm thinking you don't mean she "literally thought the world was against her," because that sounds like schizophrenia and you're NT so words are just sorta there, I guess.

She's female, autistic, and Bipolar--is it possible that her feeling of the world being against her is closer to reality than you think?

Is she medicated?

"Manic depression" is the old name for "Bipolar," with Bipolar basically meaning "two opposites," and "Manic depression" being those two opposites formed into one misleading phrase--misleading because it looks as if "Manic" is describing "depression," making the illness a single entity of "manic-like depression," which isn't the case.