autism and friendship

[SL JediKnight]

One downfall about being autistic is you don't make friends. Who's ever had this happen? You meet somebody. They start talking to you. You have good good conversations with them. You think you you're going to become good friends with this person and all of a sudden they stopped talking to you and start ignoring you and even moving away when you come near them.

I hate that this happened to me quite a few times. I quite honestly believe I have one true genuine friend. I may be starting to make more, but I don't know.

Making friends is a tough thing for an autistic person. I don't know what is about us.

 

[Gracey]

Is it dashed expectations?

Talking with someone for a while, thinking all is going okay (by our own standard)
Expecting to build some kind of connection/friendship.
Their future behaviour wasn’t quite what we were expecting?
(Or hoping)

Can’t win ‘em all eh?
It sucks but it just is.
(I think)

 

[FreeDiver]

This is the #1 problem that people on the spectrum deal with. And to make matters worse, It's hard to tell if someone is your friend or not or still is.

 

[SL JediKnight]

I guess when it comes to friends I can take them or leave them I believe you just don't find them on every corner

 

[clg114]

I think that most of us here have felt left out by the world. Why? For me it is because most people that I encounter are very preoccupied with social concerns and have a obsession with conformity. I do not care about keeping up with the Jones and I do not care about being just like anybody. That makes me different than others, a trait that they do not like.

 

[Adora]

I know how that feels,I struggle making or keeping friends for years and I also know how it feels when you think someone likes talking to you then you find out that it is not the case.

 

[Progster]

I've experienced it, too: they talk to you once, maybe twice, then that's it. There's this expectation that one is supposed to be cheerful, fun, bantering and smiley all the time, but I feel emotionally empty, and can't do banter anyway. Or they tell you things, their achievements or news or problems and you are supposed to make the right 'noises' - react in a certain, preprogrammed way. Having ASD, you might not pick up on this or you might not realise that a certain response is expected, or otherwise have difficulty expressing it, when you don't, they might think that you are not reciprocrating, or that you are weird or indifferent or something like that, then they just move on and don't bother with you any more.

However, it is possible to make friends. With people, the best way to make friends is to base the friendship around a shared hobby or activity, rather than chit chat and talking.

 

[DCA]

However, it is possible to make friends. With people, the best way to make friends is to base the friendship around a shared hobby or activity, rather than chit chat and talking.

Absolutely this. I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones I do are completely centered around my gaming hobby. It gives you something you can relate to, something interesting to talk about for both of you. I don't do chit-chat or small talk either; much rather engage in the things I'm interested in. So by sharing these interests with someone, its a lot easier to becomes friends with them.

 

[clg114]

I've experienced it, too: they talk to you once, maybe twice, then that's it. There's this expectation that one is supposed to be cheerful, fun, bantering and smiley all the time, but I feel emotionally empty, and can't do banter anyway. Or they tell you things, their achievements or news or problems and you are supposed to make the right 'noises' - react in a certain, preprogrammed way. Having ASD, you might not pick up on this or you might not realise that a certain response is expected, or otherwise have difficulty expressing it, when you don't, they might think that you are not reciprocrating, or that you are weird or indifferent or something like that, then they just move on and don't bother with you any more.

However, it is possible to make friends. With people, the best way to make friends is to base the friendship around a shared hobby or activity, rather than chit chat and talking.

Absolutely this. I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones I do are completely centered around my gaming hobby. It gives you something you can relate to, something interesting to talk about for both of you. I don't do chit-chat or small talk either; much rather engage in the things I'm interested in. So by sharing these interests with someone, its a lot easier to becomes friends with them.

These posts are really how it is for me. I get a lot of person to person contact from my very large family. But outside the family, everyone that I know is connected to some kind of activity. In the old days it was dirt bikes and snowmobiles. These days it is golf and shooting (but not hunting). Recently we joined a four wheel drive club. We go on organized trips in the back country. The point is, all these people that I know are connected to some kind of activity.

 

[pjcnet]

It's often happened to myself and it happens to my friend who I strongly suspect is also on the autistic spectrum even more often, but he also makes the big mistake of being too possessive over potential friends by for instance trying to constantly make future meeting arrangements because he fears losing them, then he will phone them repeatedly for any reason and will get really stressed if they don't answer, this pushes people away, especially when they barely know him and I've tried to explain this to him. Imagine if you'd just got introduced to someone by a family member and that person got very pally with you, chatting about similar interests and you exchange phone numbers, you'd certainly be put off if he called you 6 or 7 times later that day to talk about arranging an event you could meet up at, and again the next day and if you don't answer you'd get various text messages or online messages asking where you are, before long you'd stop answering the phone to him and try to break contact, but this is what he often does even when there's nothing sexual and I'd hate to see what he'd be like if he was interested romantically in someone. In other words don't do this lol!

With myself I think I've often said the wrong thing or acted in a way that they don't feel comfortable, although I don't always understand what I've done wrong or it's autistic traits that I don't notice at the time, it's worse because I'm not comfortable with people I don't know well and this most probably shows too. If people get to know me for a while however which has now happened on a few occasions I can get accepted which is more than used to happen when I was younger, but I still have "friends" complain about my autistic traits which include shouting (I don't realise and can't control my voice level easily, when I'm apparently shouting it sounds normal to myself), repeating myself, going on, stimming and more, the difference is someone new probably wouldn't mention it and would often just not want to know me even though it's obviously unfair and prejudice, but now I think that if they're like that they're not worth knowing anyway.

 

[Aspie_With_Attitude]

I am friends with neurotypicals, it feels like that at my own home it can be a like a casino with rollercoasters, all you can drink bar, a live music with deceased singers performing as if they're still alive and all that, it feels like none of my friends want to hang out at my place.

I even keep my place clean and tidy, I have video gaming consoles, never stinks and a big screen TV, doesn't feel impressive enough.

In the end I am always making one to two hour journeys just to be with my friends who are neurotypical and I do not live in a haunted house.