A very dark period of life

[Crusnik]

I haven't written here in a long time. My emotional levels are back at their usual level, there is a normal response (normal for me) when interacting with people. They can get me laughing or sad for example. There is no more blankness or numbness in interaction except when I'm tired which is perfectly normal. Internally emotions come and go, lots of things pass through but neither emotional state sticks around. My energy levels are up and back or almost back at the levels that are normal for me. I even get a sense of well-being inside of me at times. Well, i have had a cold for the last several days and that has brought me down quite harder than usual. Living alone on the 5th floor of a building with no elevator combined with that cold is no joke. Especially when you have to go shopping for necessities and then climb back up with fever and fatigue brought upon you by the virus. Really thought i was just gonna roll over and die somewhere along the stairway lol. Don't know what to write further, lots of things in my head but i can't accurately express them at the moment. Will write something later.

 

[Tarkus]

Some years ago I was in a very difficult, complex and lonely situation (which was exacerbated by my autism) so I may understand.

Firstly I would avoid alcohol, drugs and excessive partying (which I love btw). It's may be tempting to go that route (depending on the person of course).

I understand the advice of avoiding people (I looove avoiding people and isolating myself), but I believe that socializing may be extremely important for mental health in the not-so-long term: so perhaps you can do "light socializing" (like going to an event of your preference or joining a group where you can interact with people that may share interests with you).

This is not an alternative to medicine BUT I'm sure it's extremely important for you: expose to sunlight (carefully) as much as you can, workout*, have a non-processed diet and try to get enough sleep (which may be difficult), also I would recommend meditation (maybe 5-10 minutes a day).

Good to know you are better

*I've seen studies that show that even a little of excercise can help a lot with depression.

 

[Crusnik]

1. Drugs, alcohol and partying are off the list, not my kind of coping mechanism at all. I drink a little but far from something like that. Considering my overall situation that would be a sureproof way to destroy myself completely. Besides I'm introverted and quite bad at socialising.
2. Yes that is exactly what i need in this situation. Went to the city today on a meet and mingle event at some cafe. It went quite well. Mostly foreigners but i had very active (for my standards) conversations with them. Even exchanged a few numbers.
3. I spent quite a bit of time outdoors in the fresh air, walking a lot. It helps my mood immensely. The diet is kind of ok, i can't avoid processed food entirely. I'm getting decent sleep nowadays, not fully normal but quite close to it. Using a magnesium supplement to that end. Also got a meditation app from a friend and it's quite helpful.

 

[Aspychata]

I finally understood that l have low level anxiety. There isn't a forbidding feeling that everything is getting messy, just a low grade hum of anxiety, just wanting to get thru my day with a certain amount of normal. So this can deter me a bit from getting things done. But you do sound better, maybe you pushed thru some phase in your life?

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

I am so glad to hear you are feeling better, Crusnik. That’s great news.

 

[Outdated]

I'm glad to hear things are turning back to normal for you too. For a couple of years I was also in a bit of a deep hole and only started digging myself out earlier this year. I was fortunate to meet someone that really helped me with that too, it's surprising where you find help sometimes.

The advice from @Tarkus above is all very good and pretty much matches the pattern of recovery I have gone through this year. Exercising more and even just getting out of the house and getting some fresh air and sunshine are very important.

I don't mind a couple of drinks now and then but it's best to save the recreational drugs for when you're in a mood to be recreational. When you feel stressed or depressed are exactly the wrong times for alcohol, even more so than any other drug. That said, even though I'm a fairly social person and talk to people easily I find a little bit of alcohol to be a great social lubricant, a little bit of dutch courage as it's sometimes known, alcohol makes you less self conscious.

I'm much more sensitive to noise and smells now that I'm older, or perhaps a better way to describe it is that I'm less tolerant. I'm starting to go out places more now, not necessarily socialising but just exposing myself to more and more crowds and noise, trying to build my tolerance back up again by repeated exposure, but on my own terms.

As for socialising, I really don't drink much any more and pubs and clubs don't thrill me. I don't work either so I get very little chance to meet new friends. I'm trying to change that now by getting involved with volunteer organisations.

 

[Crusnik]

@Aspychata I don't know if i pushed through. Yes, i'm back on my feet so to speak but external circumstances are still there. It's still unknown into what i have pushed through.
@Outdated Well a drink here and there isn't really something, a lot of times it pushes you through the day. But if you cross the fine line of the amount of drinking it'll push you into spiraling depression and that's a really messed up hole from which it's very hard to climb up. Drugs are a bit of a luxury for me at this point so not worried about that lol . Crowds and noise tend to be just somewhat of an annoyance for me, not really bothered by it unless it's of greater intensity and prolonged. Yes, it's kind of harder to meet new people the older you get, there are some social events here and there aside from pubs and clubs. Work isn't really the best place for that, people in such environments aren't interested in anything more than chit-chat and you usually don't have almost anything in common with them.

 

[Aspychata]

External situations are difficult, and can spin me of course. I am just in a holding pattern for a external phase l have no control over. It's been exasperating waiting for it to move on. I am just waiting trying to live as normal as l can.

 

[Sasha22]

it's kind of harder to meet new people the older you get, there are some social events here and there aside from pubs and clubs. Work isn't really the best place for that, people in such environments aren't interested in anything more than chit-chat and you usually don't have almost anything in common with them.

As almost always, I think it depends on how willing you are to make new acquaintances or friends, and how/where you look for them. I've made better friendships in the last year/six months that I have in my whole life. Since my self-diagnosis, all the unsurmountable stuff ("Am I an alien? do I need to become a completely different person? Should I fake/mask my way through social life?") has been removed. Now, the challenge is being myself, finding the right people, and working at maintaining connections. It is still a challenge but I've gotten a lot more results that I used to, when I had a "I'm an alien" mindset and modus operandi.

Also, btw, many of the work people I met years ago I view differently now. Some of them I thought I just had nothing in common with, and I find out that they are pretty great. In some cases it was me who was unable to connect because I was stuck in my own shell. Now I know I'm not an alien, the shell doesn't need to be there, relationships are still hard but a lot more doable. No shame in being selective though, and I'm more and more selective. I now feel like I can afford to be, because I've put in so much work before. But in fact you can probably be selective from the get go.

 

[Crusnik]

Well, i'm not really connected to people at work. It's not like i haven't tried. I'm tolerated and they are nice toward me, it's not really a toxic collective. There are even people i have thought that have something in common and quite a bit more than that, but it turned out that it was a serious error in judgment on my part. Everyone seems to pretend about a lot of things. Basically, we all need to change some aspects of ourselves, social rules don't bend for us. But no, changing your personality is out of the question and that is a horrible way to live.
Guess I'm an alien, but not of some monstrous kind, more like one from new age preacher setting

 

[Crusnik]

Update: I can say that i'm fine now, there are good and bad days of course, such fluctuations are normal regardless of the overall situation and circumstances. What i noticed is that objectively life has become a lot harder. All those stories that life gets better afterward don't seem to be accurate. I'm stable now and have found some additional work to improve my financial situation atm. but there are many more obstacles and difficulties everywhere. Sometimes the pressure is just too much. I have plans for the future on a mental level but emotionally those same plans don't align with me. Emotions are like a swirling vortex changing that picture from one day to another like there is some dark gray and gloomy fog ahead. Meditation helps calm things so i can focus on mental tasks but it is not a permanent solution.

 

[Crusnik]

Hello everyone, hope that this new year is proving to be better than the previous one so far. It has certainly been somewhat strange and unusual for me so far. Made some business connections, some new people, kind of interesting folks on the surface level, a bit strange and confusing at times. Can't say anything more about them as it is only job related. Tried some psychedelics for the first time during holidays and i can say that it was an unusual experience, but that's it, nothing particularly special, no complete alteration of consciousness and perception or from my perspective unusual insights. Guess i have not taken enough lol.
Although the finances are somewhat better new expenses have arisen. My mother's health condition has deteriorated, she had a stroke few years ago that has left her with severely impaired motorics, short term memory problems, perception issues and delusions. She was relatively well until recently, aside from motor coordination and memory issues. But her senses as well as muscles have weakened from the lack of use. It is very unsettling and scary to listen to her delusions about moving to some other apartment that she thinks is hers. Of course she doesn't have any other place aside from her home where she lives. She doesn't recognize that place as her home and thinks it is somewhere else. Often she doesn't know what hour of the day is at that point or whether is it day or night... So i need to divert some money for some drugs and supplements that are needed for her wellbeing.
Had a fight with my brother about financial issues related to that, he demands a lot more and is generally very aggressive, was an alcoholic before and i think he is drinking again. He was very abusive, insulting and degrading me in every possible way so i have cut communication with him, but only for now as i need to maintain some contact cause of mother. He is taking care of provisions for her, food, meds, etc..
Personally i think I'm holding well. I try to have as healthy diet as possible, get enough sleep and so on. I'm supplementing with raw honey, really the best natural carb you can get, it completely replaces any need for coffee and is much healthier with loads of vitamins and minerals, aminoacids. It boosts my energy levels significantly. Taking some nuts with it for additional nutritional value. Aside from that i have discovered some very useful variant of magnesium, glycinate. It is very good in regulating sleep cycle and overall effect on nervous system, hormones.
That about wraps everything up, circumstances haven't changed much aside from already mentioned. But... i'm not going to lie to myself... my mother's health, issues with brother, me being all alone here. Objectively it's f*cking horrible but I'm not looking at it that way. It was worse several months ago so there is realistically an improvement on more than one level. Surprisingly I'm not negative about it most of the time, of course everything catches up to you from time to time cause of some new stress or for whatever reasons, and you just want to hide from the world and cry... Then i meditate on it and remove my focus from things i can't control and try to focus on things that i can.
Regardless life goes on, whether we like or not...

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

Good work. Being able to maintain stability and even enjoy life during troubled times is a great skill to have.