1. Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

A new bit of resentment just came up for me

Discussion in 'Help and Support' started by KagamineLen, May 19, 2021.

  1. KagamineLen

    KagamineLen Video game and movie addict. V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,088
    Joined:
    Feb 7, 2018
    Karma:
    +2,261
    I had my windows wide open just now, so I was able to hear my neighbor’s family with young children have a healthy evening together, singing songs together around a BBQ grill. I eventually had to shut my window because it had me realizing that I really do not have any healthy memories of my family coming together like that when I was a young child myself.

    I wasn’t trying to be a creepy voyeur, they were singing quite loudly just about 15 feet away from my back window on their property.

    Yeah, I am feeling somewhat cheated out of a lot of things right now. I don’t resent my neighbor’s family, though. I thoroughly resent my own. Amazing how something like this is enough to get me to whine about my family again.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 4
  2. Au Naturel

    Au Naturel Au Naturel

    Messages:
    1,375
    Joined:
    Dec 11, 2019
    Karma:
    +2,912
    There is a stoic saying that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional.

    A while back, the neighbor's kids were having a Sat. afternoon party. Sounds of laughing and joy and merriment. I'm feeling vicarious joy at the fun they are having and sit in the backyard to hear them better.

    My childhood was psychological and physical abuse at home, bullying at school, no friends. Decades ago I let it go. I neutralized the emotional content. It just doesn't matter. Flawed people to begin with my parents didn't have a clue about how to deal with a child, let alone this wimpy, nerdy, introverted, emotional basket case. Mom was filled with anger and paranoia. Dad was totally passive and never there most of the time anyhow, working long hours far away and always tired at home. Neither one had a choice in what they were any more than I had a choice in being on the spectrum.

    Anger at people and situations that cannot be changed is an anchor around your neck. It drags you down and that is resentment. People cling to resentment even though it is self destructive because they see acceptance and forgiveness as invalidating their experience. It doesn't invalidate the experience at all. It still hurt. Instead, it allows a more truthful recognition of what actually happened. The truth sets you free.

    Your parents were/are probably trapped in their own prisons. They may have had a touch of autism themselves. They may have had psychological issues. The first step to overcoming resentment is to accept they were what they could be and you just got a bad roll of the dice. A bad die roll in a game long past does not merit anger or resentment. Time to move on. Then you forgive them.

    Just as you have to forgive yourself for not being the person you wish you were.
     
    • Winner Winner x 3
    • Useful Useful x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  3. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    4,034
    Joined:
    May 22, 2017
    Karma:
    +7,480
    Same thing where I live. Happens every weekend when the grandkids of the neighbor come for the
    day and eveyone is laughing, playing in the pool, kids chasing each other through the yard shrieking
    with fun, then gathering around the fire pit in the evening.

    Would I prefer quiet? Yes.
    Difference is I don't feel any resentment or depression because I didn't grow up like these families.
    I had no siblings, no friends, no parties or gatherings, but, I don't feel regret that I didn't either.
    I was happy enough with what I had so I can't relate to those feelings.

    I've lived long enough to know the feeling of things and people I've lost that will never return,
    and old enough to know I'll never have the physical ability to do a lot of things I enjoyed in life.
    A shadow comes over my emotions sometimes when those thoughts are brought to the fore.
    I acknowledge the thought/feeling, let it flow then let it go.
    Then I start thinking of the present and accept it for what it is and what I can find pleasure in now.
     
    • Like Like x 3
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
  4. Major Tom

    Major Tom Searching for ground control... V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    2,019
    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2017
    Karma:
    +5,954
    Other than wanting around 90% of them to stay the hell away from me, I have no emotions towards my family, nor do I wish for a different past. I guess I'm lucky.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  5. SimonSays

    SimonSays Time is an illusion I seem to have a lot of V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    989
    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2021
    Karma:
    +1,921
    I've experienced this. Being reminded of things that seemed missing. Thinking if I'd only had different parents and lived in a different place, was born at a different time, how different things could have been. But I let go of these thoughts very quickly because they are not real. Who knows how different things would have actually been had they been different.

    I never had much of a dad, nobody emotionally available to me that's for sure. I suspect he may have been autistic and nobody knew. He was quite strange. And yes, listening to the sounds of neighbouring families and kids enjoying what it means to be a family, is not something I can really relate to but can appreciate the healthy normality of it. And just as Susan mentioned, would I prefer silence to continue? Yes. But there's something nice about hearing families having fun, children free to play as children should do, together.

    I do have some memories of having moments of connection when family members gathered. We were the poor section of the family, and so when there were moments of invitation, a few times in the year, there would be access to a pool or a big garden or the latest toys or gadgets, it was always interesting for me. But for the most part, as long as I wasn't bothering my family they just ignored me and left me alone. My dad was absent, and my mum we later came to understand had NPD.

    But I can't resent it or them for anything. My mum once said to me I didn't come with an instruction manual. Neither of them were really equipped to be parents, and if I look at their parents I get a good understanding as to why. If I was able to look further back it might explain even more and so on.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  6. Gift2humanity

    Gift2humanity Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,558
    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2019
    Karma:
    +1,475
    Not all of us are fortunate to have a healthy family.

    I made the mistake of showing my family my resentment and it didn’t make a difference.
    It’s not you, they are not capabof apologies as apologies take a lot of courage.

    I have very low contact with my family, I try to think of them with loving kindness now that I know their behaviour was not about me.

    I hope this helps.
    Forgive for you, to release resentment as that only hurts us.

    Abusively behaved people are more to be pitied.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Useful Useful x 1
  7. Gerald Wilgus

    Gerald Wilgus Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    773
    Joined:
    May 14, 2021
    Karma:
    +1,769
    Amen, brother! I was filled with resentment over my years of social isolation that I became mentally imbalanced and was experiencing PTSD. That impacted relationships and continued to hurt me until I internalized the fact that I am not that person anymore and the journey has taken me to a satisfying place in my life.
     
    • Like Like x 4
  8. LadyS

    LadyS Work in Progess

    Messages:
    261
    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2020
    Karma:
    +715
    I often feel the same. Living in a huge community of families (I'm talking about literally hundreds that we know personally), I can honestly say ours is probably one of the most "dysfunctional" ones. Hanging out with my friends who all have for the most part "normal" family lives with both parents who get along, have close relationships with their siblings and cousins and no real lingering issues, all healthy, it makes me feel cheated as well. What made it worse growing up was that my parents tried so hard to mask me and my brother because the rest of our family were such jerks and treated us like we were dogs. My aunts told me I wasn't pretty and girly enough, my uncle would tell my cousins not to hang out with me because I was an introvert (???), my distant cousins would call me naive and treat me like I was an idiot, etc.

    I still continue to resent it but as an adult, having finally taking control of my own life I tend to stay away from the family as much as I can and even slowed down socializing with friends . I try to focus on my interests even if that means being on my own and just trying to add my own color to the painting of life (cheesy I know).

    Subsequently, I've started noticing that although I may not bring much to the table socially with the people in my life, some at least do appreciate what comes outwardly from my interests including photography and media stuff (I've done a few photo sessions with friends), my love for board games (they always fight for me to be on their team cuz I always know random trivia and can draw well) , and passion for travel and finding hidden unique places (they always ask how I manage to find these places) just to name a few. I can be pretty witty which can sometimes make people laugh (though I could still work on timing), and can be creative which some people appreciate. I think focusing on my strengths, although not social, has helped me realize I don't really need to have the perfect family. Can only take what we are given and work from there...
     
    Last edited: May 20, 2021
    • Like Like x 4
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  9. Gerald Wilgus

    Gerald Wilgus Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    773
    Joined:
    May 14, 2021
    Karma:
    +1,769
    So true, and when friends appreciate your interest, and you, aren't friends the family you choose?
     
    • Like Like x 3
    • Agree Agree x 1
  10. LadyS

    LadyS Work in Progess

    Messages:
    261
    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2020
    Karma:
    +715
    Yes. I've always said this. Many always say that family is everything and that saying infuriates me because not all of us are blessed with a loving family. So some of us get to choose them if you can get past that.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Winner Winner x 1
  11. unperson

    unperson Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,590
    Joined:
    Apr 14, 2010
    Karma:
    +2,740
    It's just other people's noise.

    The 'family' is a cult, so ya got cult believers next door worshipping their family cult. I guess the great thing about toxic family backgrounds, is we get out of the cult of family.