Not to sure if its ASD, OCD, or just maybe deep down I'm a freak that can't be explained.
It's not something I can really just be open about, out in the real world. I seem to be misunderstood enough, so I figure it's not helpful to add to the confusion...
I really like to write, even though I might suck at this also... It lets stuff out of me that I cant let out otherwise. I often feel as if I write too much on forum posts... So I figure this is a different option I can try.. If it gets read that's fine, or if it get buried in the digital archives that's fine too... It's not about "having to be heard," compliments, points, stars, pity, popularity, or anything like that... It's just more about letting stuff out, that I have no place to put.
I seem to have trouble in not getting consumed by things that sort of jump up and wreck what little stability I have. I know LIFE is full of changes... I can accept that mostly.
It's not that I can't control myself, or that I'm unable to adapt... It's just that when normal turns to madness, I start struggling really hard to get things back to "normal." Sometimes that's pretty easy, sometimes it's more like impossible... It's when I'm up against impossible that I have to become this obsessed mess of a human that has to find "normal" in the chaos that surrounds me. It seems that has been a lifelong struggle for me.
It wouldn't be such an issue... except I intently (yet secretly) watch how everyone around me operates, reacts, and responds, on maybe a deeper level than most care to even observe, and they don't seem bothered by stuff like I am. So in that... I do see how different I am, I try not to say anything, but instead just do something about it...
For instance... At work, we are entering the unthinkably crazy part of the year... Very recently a little over 200 acres of our property burned, is now scorched earth and maybe resembles a war zone. I fully KNOW I didn't cause this, it was not an intentional fire, nor is it my sole job to magically make it become the little hidden paradise it was just a few weeks back that was an infurno in 50mph winds...
However I am responsible for this place and its wellbeing at every level... Every morning I wake up and look across the valley that separates my property and the property where I work, and see this massive black blankness and think of what is was, realize what it is right now, and wonder how this will impact the immediate future. Its desolate and ugly... and IF I think that... What must the clients think???? See where this madness goes real fast?
A charred golf course and resort area... Not good in my head.
Already pressed with many upgrades and upcoming tournaments... I get to work everyday and get all my important work done, and then go get on equipment and remove all the burnt trees and just stay out there till dark or later. I feel as if I have to help bring this back to LIFE and not just in a clean up effort, but BETTER than it was... and there is this OBSESSION and the vast hugeness of what I am up against... One guy on a dozer and a tractor on 200 acres of very rough terrain. Suddenly I feel like an ant moving dirt (overwhelmed).
In this nightmare there are other issues... The wildlife has been deeply disrupted. One nasty factor is we have always had a wild hog problem... Now we have a massive wild hog problem. This 600+ acre fire burnt up their normal habitat and we are on the river so it pushed all the wildlife closer in on us...
So now everyday I not only have my massive normal job duties, the fire damage but now I have severe hog damage... It may not sound like a big deal but to have hogs rooting up an 8 million dollar investment is a very big deal. Golf and rooted up grounds or greens isn't a thing people come to deal with.
This stuff makes Caddy Shack look like a dream comic... Sadly this is real life, and it's a little overwhelming... But given a little patience, a little time, a lot of work... I will overcome this and give them something better than what they had...
Will all those needed things be allowed? That's the question that haunts me right now.
So I sit here wondering if my being obsessed is good, or sheer madness...
I think it's a little of both... : )
It's not something I can really just be open about, out in the real world. I seem to be misunderstood enough, so I figure it's not helpful to add to the confusion...
I really like to write, even though I might suck at this also... It lets stuff out of me that I cant let out otherwise. I often feel as if I write too much on forum posts... So I figure this is a different option I can try.. If it gets read that's fine, or if it get buried in the digital archives that's fine too... It's not about "having to be heard," compliments, points, stars, pity, popularity, or anything like that... It's just more about letting stuff out, that I have no place to put.
I seem to have trouble in not getting consumed by things that sort of jump up and wreck what little stability I have. I know LIFE is full of changes... I can accept that mostly.
It's not that I can't control myself, or that I'm unable to adapt... It's just that when normal turns to madness, I start struggling really hard to get things back to "normal." Sometimes that's pretty easy, sometimes it's more like impossible... It's when I'm up against impossible that I have to become this obsessed mess of a human that has to find "normal" in the chaos that surrounds me. It seems that has been a lifelong struggle for me.
It wouldn't be such an issue... except I intently (yet secretly) watch how everyone around me operates, reacts, and responds, on maybe a deeper level than most care to even observe, and they don't seem bothered by stuff like I am. So in that... I do see how different I am, I try not to say anything, but instead just do something about it...
For instance... At work, we are entering the unthinkably crazy part of the year... Very recently a little over 200 acres of our property burned, is now scorched earth and maybe resembles a war zone. I fully KNOW I didn't cause this, it was not an intentional fire, nor is it my sole job to magically make it become the little hidden paradise it was just a few weeks back that was an infurno in 50mph winds...
However I am responsible for this place and its wellbeing at every level... Every morning I wake up and look across the valley that separates my property and the property where I work, and see this massive black blankness and think of what is was, realize what it is right now, and wonder how this will impact the immediate future. Its desolate and ugly... and IF I think that... What must the clients think???? See where this madness goes real fast?
A charred golf course and resort area... Not good in my head.
Already pressed with many upgrades and upcoming tournaments... I get to work everyday and get all my important work done, and then go get on equipment and remove all the burnt trees and just stay out there till dark or later. I feel as if I have to help bring this back to LIFE and not just in a clean up effort, but BETTER than it was... and there is this OBSESSION and the vast hugeness of what I am up against... One guy on a dozer and a tractor on 200 acres of very rough terrain. Suddenly I feel like an ant moving dirt (overwhelmed).
In this nightmare there are other issues... The wildlife has been deeply disrupted. One nasty factor is we have always had a wild hog problem... Now we have a massive wild hog problem. This 600+ acre fire burnt up their normal habitat and we are on the river so it pushed all the wildlife closer in on us...
So now everyday I not only have my massive normal job duties, the fire damage but now I have severe hog damage... It may not sound like a big deal but to have hogs rooting up an 8 million dollar investment is a very big deal. Golf and rooted up grounds or greens isn't a thing people come to deal with.
This stuff makes Caddy Shack look like a dream comic... Sadly this is real life, and it's a little overwhelming... But given a little patience, a little time, a lot of work... I will overcome this and give them something better than what they had...
Will all those needed things be allowed? That's the question that haunts me right now.
So I sit here wondering if my being obsessed is good, or sheer madness...
I think it's a little of both... : )