Angel B

I don't really know what to put here, so let me tell you why I'm here. I've always felt "different"... I've always struggled to make friends. I have always attributed this to the fact that I was homeschool AND very isolated since the 3rd grade. We lived in an unsafe neighborhood, so making friends was very hard as I wasn't allowed to play outside much. I wasn't allowed to have guy friends, and I didn't get my first boyfriend till I was 19. And now I'm in my 30's and I'm just now realizing that I have something wrong with me.

My coworkers have told me that I have ADHD, and after doing some research, I think they're right. I probably have a foot on the autism spectrum as well.
I am very awkward at social situations, I am scared to go to work parties or social events (though I still go. I just sit by myself mostly.) and I prefer to be alone or with my family. I've been told by my coworkers that I often can't tell when they're joking. I love monotonous and repetitive tasks because they are easy and I enjoy remembering the steps to complete them. When faced with decision at work about whether a product is acceptable or not, I struggle almost every time because interpreting the data is far too subjective. I wish it was cut and dry, hard and fast, easy. Sometimes I get told, "This is fine, it can go to the customer." and other times when facing what I perceive to be the exact piece of data, I get told, "No this isn't fine, we need to scrap it and redo it."

I've been at this company almost 4 years and I STILL can't get this part right. They make it sound like it's so simple, and they think I'm joking when I ask, "is this part good?" but I'm as sincere as can be. This often stresses me out. When we're super busy at work, it's almost never the workload that makes me break down and cry. it's the belief that my coworkers and managers are constantly judging and critiquing me for how efficient I am. I'm extremely self critical, and I just assume others are equally as critical of me. I'm NEVER late, and I NEVER call in sick.

I'm 100% a people pleaser and I can't bear the thought of my managers or bosses being disappointed in me. I'm convinced that one day they'll just get sick of me and find a reason to let me go. I've cried many times at work, in front of coworkers, because I can't handle the stressful social interactions. To be totally honest, I'm positive that I work with a truly toxic person. But being around her has made me really realize that something's wrong with me, and my brain doesn't work the way everyone else's does.

I know that I'm different and I just want answers. I want to know what to call "this", so I can accept and love myself they way God made me, and so that I can find coping mechanisms without medication. I know that I've always had undiagnosed OCD. I don't know if I also have ADHD, Autism, or Asperger's. I'm just starting this journey. Thank you <3