Your Personal Red Flags

[SunnyDay16]

What are your personal red flags for a romantic relationship or even a friendship?

A few of mine would be:

• Being passive aggressive instead of directly addressing a problem and then getting mad at me for not reading their mind.
• Overly clingy. I don't mind a little clinginess, but I do need some space and time to myself.
• Not respecting my boundaries or my personal space even after making them clear.
• Treats waiters, waitresses, cashiers, etc like garbage.
• Has a victim mentality about everything, even when they could be at fault. Or has a martyr complex.
• Possessive and/or controlling. It's not cute, it's not loving, it's just plain creepy and weird.
• Expects more from me than they give back.

 

[pamelaperejil]

1. Anyone who doesn't let me to be straight with them. Anyone who's not straight with me. (Indirect communicators).

2. Anyone lazy.

3. Anyone stupid (this one is the most flexible).

4. Anyone who's I think is just a bad person.

5. Extraverts, unless they respect my need for solitude and space.

6. Anyone who doesn't listen.

7. Snobs or elitists (usually);

8. People who are more interested in winning than finding the truth.

9. Overly fussy or controlling people.

10. Gossips

11. Petty people

12. Greedy people

13. Cowards

14. Sychophants

15. People who speak or move inefficiently

16. People who need too much attention

17. People who abuse power

18. People who choose or reject friends based solely on political alignment

19. Nosy people

 

[BraidedPony]

People who think they know me better than I know myself.

 

[Pats]

Someone too eager.
I'm actually not very good at picking up on red flags, but so many times after one date the guy would start things like, "Oh, you can sleep here... blah blah" And I'd be like "Why would I want to do that?"

 

[Daydreamer]

I don't have much experience with relationships myself, however I have had friends who have been in unhealthy relationships, so I have a list based on my observations of concerning signs:

-They don't allow their partner to see their friends.

-When out walking together, they drag their partner around forcefully. Not just hand holding, but pulling them around by the wrist.

People do that to children to make sure they don't run into the road, individuals in an adult relationship shouldn't treat the other as if they are an untrustworthy child.

-Their partner's voice changes negatively when around them, and if you are with the couple then your friend will cautiously stick with you more often, because they don't want to be alone with them.

-Phrases such as "I can't afford to not see them tonight" can be a concern, as it often implies that there will be some price to pay. However, it could just be disappointment but it also might be threats (which was unfortunately the case for a friend of mine).

I am wary whenever someone uses this phrase and often I will ask my friend questions and do some digging to check that they aren't in danger if they use those words.

As for friendships, here are my red flags:

-Excessive amount of gifts even when it isn't a special occasion. In my experience, this tends to be a sign that your friend thinks that this is more than a friendship and is trying to buy your love.

-You argue almost all the time you spend together, and not just on petty things but basically everything and you wonder why you even hang out anymore. If this is your situation, you should probably get out of that friendship ASAP.

-They are only nice to you when it's close to their birthday or other special occasions. Realistically, they probably haven't changed, and just want you to like them so you will buy them a nice present. (Hasn't happened to me, but sadly someone I was friends with had this experience).

 

[nowwhat]

Paying me compliments (you can unpurse your lips now and stop blowing, the smoke is coming out of my nose)

Bragging

Volunteering the information that "I can trust them." Biggest red flag of all. Trustworthy people never tell you that they are. Never. Especially unasked. If someone is trustworthy, it will become apparent over time. Someone's telling me this to rush me into their their influence is beyond red flags. It's shrieking sirens and slasher flick violin music.

 

[SusanLR]

Controlling.

Doesn't want to give me time alone. Expects us to do everythng together.

Loud talking with a lot of profanity mixed in.

Interrupts when I'm talking--constantly.

Doesn't consider me equal because I am female.

Doesn't want me to spend time with anyone but them.

Treats people in public places like they are idiots. Talks to them the same way.

Screams at people in cars when they do something that makes them mad and they can't even hear them.
(But, I have to hear it.)

Narcisistic behaviour.

 

[Progster]

Wanting to dominate or control me.
Lying to me.
Wanting to manipulate me.
Being two-faced (saying one thing to my face, and another behind my back).

 

[Autistamatic]

"You know exactly why I'm annoyed, I don't have to tell you, any idiot would know, so why do you keep asking me?!?!"

 

[TheFreeCat]

-the second I begin to get feelings for someone. That is my biggest red flag.

They scare me and I wonder how long till I hurt the other person or they hurt me or my routine will be disrupted or I will disrupt theirs or when my stims will show or if I will be able to perform them as needed. what if I overly attach or they overly attach? what if I feel for them more than they feel for me or otherwise? how would they handle the childlike symptoms I have, symptoms that make me like an eternal ten year old? why would someone want to be with me when there are neurotypicals and other autistics with less symptoms? what if they want sex and i am not able to partake because of all the above? what if it's good and ends?

Almost all my red flags are internal-

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

• Bragging
• Repeated compliments - one compliment is nice, two is awkward, more than that is creepy. Also commenting on my appearance before we are friends, or in inappropriate context.
• Sexual innuendo. Snickering at an accidental double entendre is fine, inserting innuendo into conversation at every opportunity is not, especially when accompanied by creepy smirks.
• Being clingy, I need my space!
• Phoning me, despite the fact that I always tell people that I do not speak on the phone unless in dire emergency whenever I give someone my number.
• Victim mentality
• Arrogance
• Falling too hard too fast
• Interrupting/ talking over me
• Mind reading
• Expecting me to be a mind reader
• Being pushy
• Laughing at your own jokes all the time
• Talking about how intelligent you are. If someone feels the need to talk about how smart they are, I'm going to assume that they're not very smart at all, and are insecure about it.
• Lies. Especially when accompanied by assertions of how honesty is extremely important to you.
• Not taking no for an answer

 

[Mattymatt]

@SunnyDay16, I am glad you brought this up because I have never really sat down to think about this. Perhaps if I had, I might've had more success in relationships. My big things are being direct and not passive aggressive. I am really a terrible mind reader and someone will get what they want (and probably more) if they just ask or tell me. There are some things that I can automatically pick up on and do but they're limited to the amount of social learning that I could do on my own. I've kind of hit a barrier where I am unable to progress further so I won't pick up the more advanced, non-verbal social queues. Also, I don't tolerate sarcastic meanness. It's okay to use sarcasm in a funny way but I draw the line at being insulting; this is someone you supposedly love so don't be mean. Anyone willing to work with me, will get someone extremely loyal. In turn, I am willing to accept someone for whom they are.

One thing I am grateful that my disability taught me is to really withhold judgement of people and be more accepting. I've found my range of what I would tolerate to be more than most NTs.

 

[Mattymatt]

1. Anyone who doesn't let me to be straight with them. Anyone who's not straight with me. (Indirect communicators).

2. Anyone lazy.

3. Anyone stupid (this one is the most flexible).

4. Anyone who's I think is just a bad person.

5. Extraverts, unless they respect my need for solitude and space.

6. Anyone who doesn't listen.

7. Snobs or elitists (usually);

8. People who are more interested in winning than finding the truth.

9. Overly fussy or controlling people.

10. Gossips

11. Petty people

12. Greedy people

13. Cowards

14. Sychophants

15. People who speak or move inefficiently

16. People who need too much attention

17. People who abuse power

18. People who choose or reject friends based solely on political alignment

19. Nosy people

I don't suffer fools particularly well either. I define stupidity as pretending to be an expert and then being patently wrong about the information that they're giving. To me this is stupidity. It is okay to be ignorant which is simply not to know as we cannot be expected to know everything. It's not okay to be willfully ignorant. I don't even believe that there is really a stupid question. I would rather someone ask the question than make incorrect assumptions and possibly cause problems.

 

[Tom]

People who hold their hands in strange positions.

 

[Mr Allen]

1: People who are EXTREMELY introverted (basically so far up their own arse it's not slightly funny)
2: People with right wing views (Daily Fail and Telegraph readers)
3: If I'm looking for dating, I refuse to date any female who is more than 5 years younger or older than me.
4: People who don't have a sense of humour (I can be quite funny ha ha when I want to be)
5: Women who hate kids
6: People who don't respond to phone or email messages

I'm sure there's more I could think of but I'm tired.

 

[Tom]

 

[BrokenBoy]

1. Hates kids

2. Likes dogs

3. Hates kitties or bunnies

4. Has a small penis/rack (With some exceptions)

5. No sense of humor

6. Insists at nagging me constantly.

7. Dislikes the idea of getting married.

There might be more but I forgot.

 

[Sabrina]

There’s one, that any body could have seen, but I just saw it recently in my significant other (or rather, payed attention to it).

It’s the fact that he’s 41 years- old, has a good, well payed profession, works in his field, and... ( here’s the big red flag that I did not see because I’m me...)
he lives in the efficiency of his parents’ house.

Need I say more?

 

[Gritches]

Shallowness. If it's really a "dealbreaker" that I don't have much to bring to the table in the tangible sense, it means she cares more about the things I own than the content of my character - which incidentally is a "dealbreaker" for me, so she can kick rocks.

I know, that's a remarkably high standard, and expecting someone to care more about who I am than what I have is totally unrealistic, and it's why I'm happier being alone than owning another talking dog that eats money and craps out problems for me to deal with. No thank you!

 

[Autistamatic]

expecting someone to care more about who I am than what I have is totally unrealistic

It's a shame you feel that way, because not everybody does, AS or NT alike. Yes there are highly materialistic people out there who prioritise materialism over emotional security, but I don't think they are a majority.
In none of the close relationships I have been part of, has materialism been a dominant factor. If anything it's most often been a shared struggle to jointly raise our standard of living. I learned from where I went wrong in previous relationships and I'm happily married now with someone who values me for many of the aspects of my personality that are directly associated with my AS - resourcefulness, honesty, rationality, kindness, curiosity and more. I can for the first time in my life just "be me" with somebody else.
It is NOT unrealistic of you to desire to meet someone who will appreciate you over your material possessions/money. Finding them can be a long process and luck plays a part, but only the most callous and emotionally detached of people truly equate materialism as greater than or even equivalent to emotional well-being.