Your Biggest Social Faux-Pas

[Amy Stone]

Since discovering that I am on the spectrum, I have been reviewing a lot of my past interactions and behaviors and one in particular stands out as being one of my biggest social faux-pas! This is one I beat myself up on for years and now that I know I am ASD, I can laugh about it I will share mine and feel free to share yours:

I have never been a touchy-feely person but growing up Italian-American, everyone used to hug and/or kiss. When meeting someone who was a friend of a friend, you always would greet them with a hug to show they were more than just a stranger. After first introductions, usually a peck on the cheek. Being AS, I never "thought" for myself when it came to social situations and simply followed the rules I was taught: A) if meeting a complete stranger with no relation: handshake. B) if meeting a friend of a friend: give hug C) if meeting a friend: peck on cheek.

So fast forward 15 years later: I was going through a nasty divorce and my best friend Lon (who is now my husband) put me in contact with his lawyer to execute my divorce. Lon said to me "I have this amazing lawyer, he has been a good friend for years, he will take care good care of you for the divorce paperwork". Ok great! A friend of a friend. We go with Option B for greetings. So I went by myself to the lawyer's office and was waiting for him in a large room, the lawyer walks in and I go up and ambush him with a huge hug and he get's all flabbergasted and says to me "That is ENTIRELY INAPPROPRIATE!!! You just don't do that! A handshake is fine!" I turn beet-red. Make my apologies and just about died.

That was the LAST time I followed my family's "rules" for greeting people!!! (which is fine because I am not a touchy-feely person anyway!)

Hope that made someone smile

 

[paloftoon]

I guess it goes to show Italy and the US can be very culturally different. I sense most or all of Europe is more of a hugging culture.

With the US, it's mainly with closer friends and dates and such. If it's not, then I might wonder if a person is coming on to me. I usually try to let a person know 1-1 if I don't feel comfortable with it or I ask them if they are interested in me in some romantic way if I'm interested in them in that way, lol.

 

[SimonSays]

That seems to be the biggest issue people talk about here. How to work out what the rules are. Here's the answer: There are no rules. You do what feels right for you. How it feels in any given moment. You might do one thing one way this time, and the next time another way, it doesn't matter. There are no rules. The problems arise when you think there are rules and try to understand how to apply them. If there are no rules, you can't get things 'wrong'. None of it matters. Just make it up as you go along.

 

[unperson]

Nah you wouldn't hug the friend of a friend in western culture, especially not men. I sometimes get problems arise from treating men the same as I would women, because I forget the social distinctions/gender theatre stuff.

Mine are too numerous to mention, I'm not sure I want to relive them. There's always more on the way anyway.

 

[Wolfsage]

Different people. Different lives. Different instruction manuals.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

The thing I regret most is failing to hug my grandmother. She was a hard working generous woman married to a bully, yet doing her best for her children and step children. Much later, as I would visit her in assisted living, I overcame that hesitation and would hug her. I am still ashamed at my inability to show affection to a wonderful woman when I was younger.

 

[OkRad]

Since discovering that I am on the spectrum, I have been reviewing a lot of my past interactions and behaviors and one in particular stands out as being one of my biggest social faux-pas! This is one I beat myself up on for years and now that I know I am ASD, I can laugh about it I will share mine and feel free to share yours:

I have never been a touchy-feely person but growing up Italian-American, everyone used to hug and/or kiss. When meeting someone who was a friend of a friend, you always would greet them with a hug to show they were more than just a stranger. After first introductions, usually a peck on the cheek. Being AS, I never "thought" for myself when it came to social situations and simply followed the rules I was taught: A) if meeting a complete stranger with no relation: handshake. B) if meeting a friend of a friend: give hug C) if meeting a friend: peck on cheek.

So fast forward 15 years later: I was going through a nasty divorce and my best friend Lon (who is now my husband) put me in contact with his lawyer to execute my divorce. Lon said to me "I have this amazing lawyer, he has been a good friend for years, he will take care good care of you for the divorce paperwork". Ok great! A friend of a friend. We go with Option B for greetings. So I went by myself to the lawyer's office and was waiting for him in a large room, the lawyer walks in and I go up and ambush him with a huge hug and he get's all flabbergasted and says to me "That is ENTIRELY INAPPROPRIATE!!! You just don't do that! A handshake is fine!" I turn beet-red. Make my apologies and just about die.

That was the LAST time I followed my family's "rules" for greeting people!!! (which is fine because I am not a touchy-feely person anyway!)

Hope that made someone smile

OH MY GOODNESS! But do tell, did you use him as a lawyer or go elsewhere?!

 

[Amy Stone]

@OkRad I ended up using him as my lawyer. He was a good lawyer!

 

[Au Naturel]

Being a nudie, I am always worried about social faux-pas in the textile world.

 

[Gift2humanity]

There are way too many to list.

At 6yrs old, my 73 year old Granda was driving from Sunderland to Middlesbrough and Dad was concerned as he felt he was too to drive, and voiced his concerns.
Granda arrived, little me said "Granda, my Dad says you are too old to drive" Dad went on at me for 3 days solid, as he must have wanted the ground to swallow him up.

Loads of embarrassing "Hey GTH" face blindness.

Just loads of accidental offending of people.

 

[paloftoon]

That seems to be the biggest issue people talk about here. How to work out what the rules are. Here's the answer: There are no rules. You do what feels right for you. How it feels in any given moment. You might do one thing one way this time, and the next time another way, it doesn't matter. There are no rules. The problems arise when you think there are rules and try to understand how to apply them. If there are no rules, you can't get things 'wrong'. None of it matters. Just make it up as you go along.

Yes and no
One implied "rule" that is good practice in general is to ask directly first.

 

[Au Naturel]

Using t

That seems to be the biggest issue people talk about here. How to work out what the rules are. Here's the answer: There are no rules. You do what feels right for you. How it feels in any given moment. You might do one thing one way this time, and the next time another way, it doesn't matter. There are no rules. The problems arise when you think there are rules and try to understand how to apply them. If there are no rules, you can't get things 'wrong'. None of it matters. Just make it up as you go along.

Using that philosophy I would have been arrested several decades ago. There are rules. Other people with power get to make them.

This forum has rules.

 

[Louie]

Since discovering that I am on the spectrum, I have been reviewing a lot of my past interactions and behaviors and one in particular stands out as being one of my biggest social faux-pas! This is one I beat myself up on for years and now that I know I am ASD, I can laugh about it I will share mine and feel free to share yours:

I have never been a touchy-feely person but growing up Italian-American, everyone used to hug and/or kiss. When meeting someone who was a friend of a friend, you always would greet them with a hug to show they were more than just a stranger. After first introductions, usually a peck on the cheek. Being AS, I never "thought" for myself when it came to social situations and simply followed the rules I was taught: A) if meeting a complete stranger with no relation: handshake. B) if meeting a friend of a friend: give hug C) if meeting a friend: peck on cheek.

So fast forward 15 years later: I was going through a nasty divorce and my best friend Lon (who is now my husband) put me in contact with his lawyer to execute my divorce. Lon said to me "I have this amazing lawyer, he has been a good friend for years, he will take care good care of you for the divorce paperwork". Ok great! A friend of a friend. We go with Option B for greetings. So I went by myself to the lawyer's office and was waiting for him in a large room, the lawyer walks in and I go up and ambush him with a huge hug and he get's all flabbergasted and says to me "That is ENTIRELY INAPPROPRIATE!!! You just don't do that! A handshake is fine!" I turn beet-red. Make my apologies and just about died.

That was the LAST time I followed my family's "rules" for greeting people!!! (which is fine because I am not a touchy-feely person anyway!)

Hope that made someone smile

LOL. Thanks for sharing your story. I have a lot of similar stories, but here goes three recent ones, that ocurred when I was 18yo and was working in a museum:

1- I was guiding an woman with her two kids. The domes where the artifacts were placed were really tall, so in every place that we stopped, the woman would raise their kids, so they could see the artifacts. When I was younger, people used to say that I was too cold and serious, so I was trying to be extra kind too keep my work. I saw that the woman was tired, so I raised the 2yo kid for her. The kid started crying, and I didn't know what to do. I put the kid on the ground and started saying sorry multiple times. The woman calmed me down and said there was no problem. She was the sweetest lady.

2- The other time was in the museum too: the president of my country is a fascist douchebag. Someday he announced a big cut in the education investiments. It was on friday. The week was toughth. I was guiding this old lady, and she started asking about the school (where the museum was situated). I answered her questions, but in one point I just started crying (I have emotional lability).
She conforted me, and even hugged me. Until now I don't know if she really wanted to hug me, but at the time, I thought that was what she was going to do (I don't really like to hug strangers, so it feels sou odd that maybe both of us didn't wanted that hug).

3- I had this teacher that was super rigid but funny too. He would start singing cartoon theme songs in the midle of the class just for fun. Someday he saw me on the corredor, so he raised his hand in my direction and I gave him a hi-5 out of habit.
My friends said that I was insane, cause he was only waving at me, and I just slapped his hand.

 

[Amy Stone]

@Louie Oh I have done the handshake/high five thing sooo many times

 

[Louie]

@Louie Oh I have done the handshake/high five thing sooo many times

It's a classic .
The handshake or hug is another classic fail.
I used to always give handshakes to people, cause I didn't want to hug, but it always ended with my hand touching the person's belly, while their ams were grabbing me.

 

[SimonSays]

Using that philosophy I would have been arrested several decades ago. There are rules. Other people with power get to make them.

This forum has rules.

Yes, it is true, people with power do make rules. But those rules only make a difference if people comply with them, and most people only comply with them because they're afraid of the consequences of not doing so.

People break rules all the time. The rules in one place don't always apply in another place. Even the serious ones, like murder, only exist if you accept them. Some people do commit murder, either believing they have a right to do so, or believing they will get away with it. Personally, I've never committed murder, but not because the rules, or the law, which are just serious rules, say so. I don't take life intentionally with malice aforethought because my conscience always guides me in these and other matters.

But for those who would not act according to society's guidelines, they must be threatened with punishment if they do not comply. Unless you consider punishment as an occupational hazard, or don't believe certain rules apply to you, then you can certainly act as if they don't exist.

In many states of America it is legal to smoke cannabis. Yet, if I take one step across an arbitrary imaginary line called the state border, smoking cannabis could become illegal again.

When I said there are no rules, I was referring to the alleged 'rules' of etiquette, based on the OP. However, seeing as you brought it up, looking at it from this perspective is actually far more interesting.

 

[Au Naturel]

Yes, it is true, people with power do make rules. But those rules only make a difference if people comply with them, and most people only comply with them because they're afraid of the consequences of not doing so.

People break rules all the time. The rules in one place don't always apply in another place. Even the serious ones, like murder, only exist if you accept them. Some people do commit murder, either believing they have a right to do so, or believing they will get away with it. Personally, I've never committed murder, but not because the rules, or the law, which are just serious rules, say so. I don't take life intentionally with malice aforethought because my conscience always guides me in these and other matters.

But for those who would not act according to society's guidelines, they must be threatened with punishment if they do not comply. Unless you consider punishment as an occupational hazard, or don't believe certain rules apply to you, then you can certainly act as if they don't exist.

In many states of America it is legal to smoke cannabis. Yet, if I take one step across an arbitrary imaginary line called the state border, smoking cannabis could become illegal again.

When I said there are no rules, I was referring to the alleged 'rules' of etiquette, based on the OP. However, seeing as you brought it up, looking at it from this perspective is actually far more interesting.

My theory is that if a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it, it still made a sound. But since nobody heard it, it didn't matter. (Ok, so the squirrels and deer heard it. They don't care.)

If one breaks a rule and nobody sees it, I still broke the rule. But as long as I didn't affect anyone, it doesn't matter. Or if people see it and don't care, it still doesn't matter.

I can't be completely carefree about breaking the rule because I do not exist in that kind of isolation. For example, there are some people (not all) who would absolutely freak out about encountering a naked guy taking a casual stroll in the woods. That would be a serious social faux-pas even though I see nothing wrong in it. It is merely a violation of etiquette and not actually illegal where I live, but still not something to be casually brushed off by a free spirit. Freaked out people can make one's life miserable, even without recourse to force.

 

[SimonSays]

My theory is that if a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it, it still made a sound. But since nobody heard it, it didn't matter. (Ok, so the squirrels and deer heard it. They don't care.)

I think it's more than a theory. Vibrational waves occur mechanically (even if there's only deer who hear them). I never understood why some people wonder about this.

If one breaks a rule and nobody sees it, I still broke the rule. But as long as I didn't affect anyone, it doesn't matter. Or if people see it and don't care, it still doesn't matter.

If breaking a rule doesn't matter (if it doesn't affect anyone or nobody sees it or if they do they don't care anyway), what made it a rule?

 

[Au Naturel]

I think it's more than a theory. Vibrational waves occur mechanically (even if there's only deer who hear them). I never understood why some people wonder about this.

If breaking a rule doesn't matter (if it doesn't affect anyone or nobody sees it or if they do they don't care anyway), what made it a rule?

Some people informally define sound as something they hear. If they didn't hear it, it didn't make a sound. There is a whole line of philosophy about "reality" being perception and not physics.

Rules exist in people's minds and on paper. They'd exist even if you didn't exist.

There are people whose lives center on making sure certain rules do not get broken. For some people rules are a religious dogma. In religious terms, a sin is a sin even if nobody witnessed it but God. Even if the impact of breaking the rules has no effect on another person, God doesn't want you to do that and you belong to God.

The more secular notion is to replace God with the state. They will assert that it is impossible to break a rule in a way that affects no one simply because It affects you. The state doesn't want you to do that and you belong to the state. It is really a demand for conformity that has become a goal in itself and not narrowly tailored to support other goals.

Avoiding interactions with those people puts an unmeasured tax on one's life. It can make you paranoid if you let it.

Paranoia strikes deep
Into your life, it will creep
It starts when you're always afraid
Step out of line, the man come and take you away

 

[Gift2humanity]

That seems to be the biggest issue people talk about here. How to work out what the rules are. Here's the answer: There are no rules. You do what feels right for you. How it feels in any given moment. You might do one thing one way this time, and the next time another way, it doesn't matter. There are no rules. The problems arise when you think there are rules and try to understand how to apply them. If there are no rules, you can't get things 'wrong'. None of it matters. Just make it up as you go along.

With the greatest of respect, there are unwritten social nuanced rules we just don't get.
I've broken loads, pissed loads of people off accidentally.
Any decent person will know I mean no offence by it.
NT's have a social code-book we just were not given.