"You use autism as an excuse."

[Marcus]

Well, after the day I've had today it's a miracle that I can even type this without a waterfall of tears pouring from my eyes.

I thought I was having a genuine conversation with someone that I cared about today, but evidently I was wrong, and because of this incident I have distanced myself from said person.

Apparently not being able to read facial expressions or being able to truly contribute my feelings to a conversation without having to stop and think about it for a second means that I'm using my autism as an "excuse."

"You're old enough to know by now when someone is upset or something you said offended them. I'm tired of you constantly repeating the fact that you have autism immediately after something awkward happens. LEARN TO READ PEOPLE! YOU'LL NEVER GET ANYWHERE IN LIFE UNLESS YOU DO!"

I have an extremely hard time describing the way I feel about things (people especially) because in my head I'm always correcting myself like "Don't say it that way, it could come across wrong to the other person."

When someone is crying for example, I don't just immediately run up to them and console them, because I know I wouldn't be able to say anything helpful, and it's not like my presence matters to anyone anyway. I usually just stand there with all these thoughts swarming in my head while I try to figure out what to do.

I don't know how someone could think I'm ever faking my autism.. why would I cause myself constant mental headaches and other awkward issues?

It's a part of who I am, and it's not going anywhere.

I just wish people were more patient and understanding about this.

 

[Katleya]

I'm not sure how helpful I'm going to be, but with that special aspect of autism being quite the invisible disability, such events are bound to happen -to you, me, and pretty much everyone else here, at some point. And I know it hurts to be told that. But look at the thing that was told to you this way: "You are old enough by now to...", and replace autism with a visible handicap. For instance, to someone who has no legs: "You are old enough by now to know you should walk to people to greet them". It's total nonsense, right? Well, same as what you were told. It's nonsense. Don't let something so illogical get you down.

Now, as for the fact that it was someone dear to you who said it, you have 2 options:
- If you wish to keep them in your life after all, maybe that legless analogy could help you explain why their criticism was neither constructive nor helpful,
- If you feel that this may actually be the tip of the iceberg, then distance is your best friend. With friends like that, you certainly don't need enemies.
But I'm not in your shoes, so only you can advise whether it's best to try to enlighten that person a bit about your reality (& that of your brain), or just be done with it.

 

[Ambi]

Well, after the day I've had today it's a miracle that I can even type this without a waterfall of tears pouring from my eyes.

I thought I was having a genuine conversation with someone that I cared about today, but evidently I was wrong, and because of this incident I have distanced myself from said person.

Apparently not being able to read facial expressions or being able to truly contribute my feelings to a conversation without having to stop and think about it for a second means that I'm using my autism as an "excuse."

"You're old enough to know by now when someone is upset or something you said offended them. I'm tired of you constantly repeating the fact that you have autism immediately after something awkward happens. LEARN TO READ PEOPLE! YOU'LL NEVER GET ANYWHERE IN LIFE UNLESS YOU DO!"

I have an extremely hard time describing the way I feel about things (people especially) because in my head I'm always correcting myself like "Don't say it that way, it could come across wrong to the other person."

When someone is crying for example, I don't just immediately run up to them and console them, because I know I wouldn't be able to say anything helpful, and it's not like my presence matters to anyone anyway. I usually just stand there with all these thoughts swarming in my head while I try to figure out what to do.

I don't know how someone could think I'm ever faking my autism.. why would I cause myself constant mental headaches and other awkward issues?

It's a part of who I am, and it's not going anywhere.

I just wish people were more patient and understanding about this.

How awful!! That person no longer deserves you.

 

[Rasendra]

Don't really have comforting words but I've been there. Unfortunately there is no cure for ignorance or stupidity.

Btw cool avatar. I'm rather partial to Han Solo but to each their own

 

[Warmheart]

Your presence, when someone else is having a hard time, does benefit. You matter.

This person simply does not understand your very valid, lifelong “invisible wheelchair” social disability caused by neurology. I am willing to bet, however, that he or she greatly benefits from the many positive strengths your autism brings to his/her relationship with you.

I’m glad you came here for support. Perhaps insight and understanding will come to this person in time. Please just know that you are appreciated here.

 

[OkRad]

I get crap like that, too. Not so much now because I stay away from people. But when it happens, here is a likely discussion I might have-

"OK, wait, let's look at that. Why would you say that? Why would you think I would fake autism?"
"It is not faking, you are just comfortable with that and don't want to change because change is hard."
"But I am NOT comfortable with it. I hate it!"
"Well, you might not be trying as hard as you can."
"How much harder can I try when I have been trying for (XYZ) amount of years?"
"Well, you have to keep trying....."
"So then in your mind, I am supposed to what? How would you define FIGHTING MORE?"
"Act like other people, you know what you are doing."
"Do you live every moment conscious of every move you make, every thing you do?"
"It's not the same thing."
"Yes, it is, you are telling me I have to be aware of every moment and monitor everything I do so that people like you can be satisfied that I am fighting. If I act myself, it is not enough."
"No, I am just saying, if you put an effort into it..."
"Are you an autism specialist?"
"No."
"Then how do you know what you are talking about?!"
"It is not about booksmarts. They don't know everything."
"Well, then if you think I would throw away EVERYTHING and preferred to be tormented and rejected, you must think I am either stupid or evil or both......."
"No, I don't think that....."
"Well, if I lounge around in my autism when there are so many things I want to do like go to school and be married and have friends....but no, just because I feel llike it, I would rather have to sit here and have people who know nothing about autism tell me I am faking.....that is both stupid and evil."
"No, you are just not seeing it."
And by then it's generally over.......................

 

[Ragnahawk]

Well, after the day I've had today it's a miracle that I can even type this without a waterfall of tears pouring from my eyes.

I thought I was having a genuine conversation with someone that I cared about today, but evidently I was wrong, and because of this incident I have distanced myself from said person.

Apparently not being able to read facial expressions or being able to truly contribute my feelings to a conversation without having to stop and think about it for a second means that I'm using my autism as an "excuse."

"You're old enough to know by now when someone is upset or something you said offended them. I'm tired of you constantly repeating the fact that you have autism immediately after something awkward happens. LEARN TO READ PEOPLE! YOU'LL NEVER GET ANYWHERE IN LIFE UNLESS YOU DO!"

I have an extremely hard time describing the way I feel about things (people especially) because in my head I'm always correcting myself like "Don't say it that way, it could come across wrong to the other person."

When someone is crying for example, I don't just immediately run up to them and console them, because I know I wouldn't be able to say anything helpful, and it's not like my presence matters to anyone anyway. I usually just stand there with all these thoughts swarming in my head while I try to figure out what to do.

I don't know how someone could think I'm ever faking my autism.. why would I cause myself constant mental headaches and other awkward issues?

It's a part of who I am, and it's not going anywhere.

I just wish people were more patient and understanding about this.

Lose one friend, gain ten more here. Your just searching in all the wrong places for acceptance. Because of autismspeaks and other crappy researchers that are trying to cure autism, being autism is treated as a disease. Every time you hear autism people say you have problems. Next time you see that person. Ask them what they think autism is. Tell them whether you know more than they do.

Second. Socially out there sucks. I've come to just cut myself off. I still make peace with everybody I can. Those people are outside of my fun parameters however. If I want to be quirky and dumb for fun - this and video games are my solution. It's a miracle that I was introduced this website. @Misery has been an amazing help in that way. If you got steam man, if you got discord. I'll listen to you cry. I have a soul. You don't have to hide behind a curtain and communicate with shadows. (At Least With Me)

 

[Chance]

I get crap like that, too. Not so much now because I stay away from people. But when it happens, here is a likely discussion I might have-

"OK, wait, let's look at that. Why would you say that? Why would you think I would fake autism?"
"It is not faking, you are just comfortable with that and don't want to change because change is hard."
"But I am NOT comfortable with it. I hate it!"
"Well, you might not be trying as hard as you can."
"How much harder can I try when I have been trying for (XYZ) amount of years?"
"Well, you have to keep trying....."
"So then in your mind, I am supposed to what? How would you define FIGHTING MORE?"
"Act like other people, you know what you are doing."
"Do you live every moment conscious of every move you make, every thing you do?"
"It's not the same thing."
"Yes, it is, you are telling me I have to be aware of every moment and monitor everything I do so that people like you can be satisfied that I am fighting. If I act myself, it is not enough."
"No, I am just saying, if you put an effort into it..."
"Are you an autism specialist?"
"No."
"Then how do you know what you are talking about?!"
"It is not about booksmarts. They don't know everything."
"Well, then if you think I would throw away EVERYTHING and preferred to be tormented and rejected, you must think I am either stupid or evil or both......."
"No, I don't think that....."
"Well, if I lounge around in my autism when there are so many things I want to do like go to school and be married and have friends....but no, just because I feel llike it, I would rather have to sit here and have people who know nothing about autism tell me I am faking.....that is both stupid and evil."
"No, you are just not seeing it."
And by then it's generally over.......................

This is why out in the real world... I just say as little as humanly possible... I would rather be seen as a mute, or a stuck up snob than to have some endless conversation that winds up choking me on my own words and emotions... Geez its tough sometimes...

 

[Chance]

Well, after the day I've had today it's a miracle that I can even type this without a waterfall of tears pouring from my eyes.

I thought I was having a genuine conversation with someone that I cared about today, but evidently I was wrong, and because of this incident I have distanced myself from said person.

Apparently not being able to read facial expressions or being able to truly contribute my feelings to a conversation without having to stop and think about it for a second means that I'm using my autism as an "excuse."

"You're old enough to know by now when someone is upset or something you said offended them. I'm tired of you constantly repeating the fact that you have autism immediately after something awkward happens. LEARN TO READ PEOPLE! YOU'LL NEVER GET ANYWHERE IN LIFE UNLESS YOU DO!"

I have an extremely hard time describing the way I feel about things (people especially) because in my head I'm always correcting myself like "Don't say it that way, it could come across wrong to the other person."

When someone is crying for example, I don't just immediately run up to them and console them, because I know I wouldn't be able to say anything helpful, and it's not like my presence matters to anyone anyway. I usually just stand there with all these thoughts swarming in my head while I try to figure out what to do.

I don't know how someone could think I'm ever faking my autism.. why would I cause myself constant mental headaches and other awkward issues?

It's a part of who I am, and it's not going anywhere.

I just wish people were more patient and understanding about this.

Hey Marcus,
My guess is you must at least try to be pretty verbal and your very smart and you look totally normal...
So normal people maybe don't see the invisible disconnect that has already been explained...
In my case I just won't hardly speak... So it becomes a little obvious that I'm either a total A88 hole, or theres something not exactly right... That "MAYBE" gets me a little slack sometimes, not always though...

My guess is your so close to normal acting, most of which may be just be learned and is just your "mask"... I used to be excellent at this, until it switched over into panic attacks, depression, and shutdowns... so its kind of tough to say what to do when you are just being you...

Sometimes I will warn someone that I am not really understanding what they are implying... I do this to buy me some head time to find the right things to say, and couple it with the right actions (I HOPE)...
It just takes lots of trial and error, but you will figure it out. I got faith in you...

 

[Coupe]

I am so sorry that someone you care about said something so hurtful to you. That was a very insensitive thing for them to say.

 

[Ragnahawk]

 

[ovpt]

I have found the average person can not understand clinical depression let alone something more complicated such as high functioning autism. unfortunately most people can not think or feel much beyond their own experience, context, history, and belief systems. i have lost a marriage because of this and my best friend. however i can say i am happier now because of it. its best to be oneself and let things fall in place instead of trying to meet everyone else expectations.

 

[Lady Penelope]

Ugh ... so ignorant.
"Old enough..." seems to be their annoyance at not understanding ASD. You cannot "switch it off" or "cure autism".

How about replying; "well you've known me for long enough now, you should know how I react to certain situations and make allowances for it as a caring human being. I make allowances for your ignorance and lack of empathy all the time. Like now for instance."

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

People have no power over you.
Only the power you give them.
Take your power back.

Reading all the previous replies shows you a way to do it.

 

[dragoncat16]

My mom (the only human being who actually communicates with me on a regular basis) says stuff like that to me all the time. She tells me that I should learn to read people better, and that I have no empathy, just because of the way I interact with her. She had a natural disaster strike her house over the summer and she isn't happy with the slow rate at which things are getting fixed. When she expresses this to me every time we message each other over Skype, instead of spending my time commiserating with her and saying "poor you" over and over again (which is what she wants, I guess), I give her practical advice about how she can get things speeded up (some of which has been effective). Once she has finished giving me about 1000 excuses why what I am suggesting to her is completely impossible (she doesn't want to be bothered by guys working on her house while she is there so I suggested that she get them to do the work while she is away visiting me, but of course that's a terrible idea), she then spends at least 15 minutes berating me and telling me I have no empathy and I don't read people very well, and no wonder I was treated so poorly at work if that's the way I treat others, etc., etc., etc.

The fact that I got my diagnosis last month has only given her more ammo. She tells me I don't read people very well (as if it's difficult to read what she is feeling when she is screaming at me) and I say "yeah, that's because I have Aspergers", and then she tells me that I should learn to read people better as if the reason I can't do it is because I'm lazy and can't be bothered or something.

But what can I do? She's my mom, and it's not as if anyone else talks to me.

 

[Ragnahawk]

My mom (the only human being who actually communicates with me on a regular basis) says stuff like that to me all the time. She tells me that I should learn to read people better, and that I have no empathy, just because of the way I interact with her. She had a natural disaster strike her house over the summer and she isn't happy with the slow rate at which things are getting fixed. When she expresses this to me every time we message each other over Skype, instead of spending my time commiserating with her and saying "poor you" over and over again (which is what she wants, I guess), I give her practical advice about how she can get things speeded up (some of which has been effective). Once she has finished giving me about 1000 excuses why what I am suggesting to her is completely impossible (she doesn't want to be bothered by guys working on her house while she is there so I suggested that she get them to do the work while she is away visiting me, but of course that's a terrible idea), she then spends at least 15 minutes berating me and telling me I have no empathy and I don't read people very well, and no wonder I was treated so poorly at work if that's the way I treat others, etc., etc., etc.

The fact that I got my diagnosis last month has only given her more ammo. She tells me I don't read people very well (as if it's difficult to read what she is feeling when she is screaming at me) and I say "yeah, that's because I have Aspergers", and then she tells me that I should learn to read people better as if the reason I can't do it is because I'm lazy and can't be bothered or something.

But what can I do? She's my mom, and it's not as if anyone else talks to me.

It's only been a month. Don't believe you haven't made a dent.

 

[Panthro]

I just thought of a conversation that I had a while back that made me think of this thread. I remember talking to a woman about her nonverbal autistic daughter and she made a comment about her daughter being "lazy about speaking" . It made me upset that she really thinks it was laziness that was preventing her from speaking. Who the help would be lazy about something that comes so easily such as speaking? If she is not doing it then there is obviously a confounding variable that is preventing her from doing so.

Anyways, I can relate to the OP. I struggle pretty badly in knowing how to handle social situations, and there are certain individuals that know this. However, they still get upset with me when I don't respond the way an NT is supposed to in social situations.

 

[Mathalamus]

having autism really isn't an excuse. we all have the capability to learn, right? we can even learn, intellectually, what to do when something happens that a person is completely unable to do otherwise.

i believe, we all have the capability to be perfectly NT, in social situations. even if only for a short time. people who say they cant... i don't really believe them, because i tend to assume that people are more intelligent and/or more capable in general than i am. ergo, if i could do it, someone smarter or better than me definitely can.

 

[The Midge]

having autism really isn't an excuse. we all have the capability to learn, right? we can even learn, intellectually, what to do when something happens that a person is completely unable to do otherwise.

i believe, we all have the capability to be perfectly NT, in social situations. even if only for a short time. people who say they cant... i don't really believe them, because i tend to assume that people are more intelligent and/or more capable in general than i am. ergo, if i could do it, someone smarter or better than me definitely can.

I can last about as long as a script I've learned. Say 5 minutes.

Keeping up a pretence is tiring. If energy levels are low at the end of the day or mingling after an event then with the best will in the world I ain't going to last for long.

I know this because I am capable and intelligent and know my limits.

 

[Mathalamus]

I can last about as long as a script I've learned. Say 5 minutes.

Keeping up a pretence is tiring. If energy levels are low at the end of the day or mingling after an event then with the best will in the world I ain't going to last for long.

I know this because I am capable and intelligent and know my limits.

in my opinion, limits are made to be overridden. but, one should do so in a reasonably safe and responsible manner. i am also an intelligent and capable person, and i basically laugh at the "limitations". sometimes it goes badly, other times, the limitation doesn't exist anymore. its how i, and other people, grow, in personality.

for example, i have energy levels too, but, when i want to, i basically completely ignore them and do things anyway. i am proud of myself to do this, actually...