Worsening Conflicts With Parents

[SUM1]

Just in the past few months, or about half a year, I've realised I'm having more and more arguments with my parents, especially my mum. I've also noticed that there seems to be a definite cause for all of them - Asperger's. My mum always gets infuriated when I tell her not to touch eating utensils or foods or anything (due to my phobia of certain germs), and when I speak quietly (not my fault, it's my normal voice) my parents get annoyed, and when they use certain expressions and I take them literally and debate about them, they also get annoyed.

I also get extremely frustrated when they don't tell me when certain things are happening, and when they lock up downstairs before I can get dessert (they never tell me when, they just say learn what times this and that happens, etc). It's absolutely, extremely, incredibly frustrating, annoying and infuriating for me over this time. It gets on my nerves so much. I also hate it when they give me certain orders that don't have a rational way of being fulfilled, such as one thing - I have a digestive problem, one consequence being I can't eat well, and my mum says "eat more" or "I'll serve you more food so you eat more". That's bullcrap. How is that going to magically cure me and make me eat more? Huh? Ordering me? It's the same with other things. My parents really get on my nerves at times, and I don't know if they're going to change and stop being so annoyed, since I'm the one who can't change, since all that I do is normal for me, and it's not really possible to just change, something they don't seem to believe.

These are just a few things, there are dozens others.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I'm sorry it's so tough. At least you have the support of us, here. ::

 

[King_Oni]

What I'm wondering is if you have all these issues listed and/or discussed with a doctor or a therapist.

If you have digestive problems, I guess your doctor should be aware of those. If he's not, perhaps these issues are not as severe as you think they are. Or perhaps you haven't seen him yet. I don't believe that parents force things on their children if there's an actual medical record for it. And if they do... visit the doctor again.

When your parents look up downstairs and tell you, you should learn what times something happens... I don't buy into the fact that you cannot learn this. And asking them, after dinner for example, "what time do you lock up?" might be a good way to deal with it. Granted; if they keep an attitude of "we don't know... whenever we feel like it", then yes, I agree that it's unreasonable. But perhaps then I'd pick up dessert when I'm downstairs for dinner and tend to run up.

You claim that you can't change... who says your parents can? They do what they think is the right thing and in your best interest. I was in a similar situation in your age. I couldn't relate to my parents and had constant arguments with them. It just took a lot of perseverance to keep doing what you're doing and not worry too much about it. After years, when I pretty much got out of puberty, they figured "well, he's like this... it's not just puberty" and they accepted it. Keep in mind with your age; parents think there's a lot of puberty going on aside from your issues. I don't know if you should expect them to put up with each and every thing just because it annoys you. Perhaps it annoys them if you act "out of line" according to them. It's not empathy, it's called "living with others".

Besides; the entire notion of not being able to change. Yes you are... just not to extremes as you might think others would want you. In the past 15 years, I changed stuff in my life and people didn't think it would suit me to do these things, yet I changed things. For a part you're only as rigid as you believe you are. Yes, I'm fully aware that "we" wont do full 180 turns, but there's a lot of things where I could (and would) sit down with a person and calmly discuss what they expect and see how much I can do with that. Standing on a rooftop screaming "I CAN'T CHANGE!" will most likely be met by annoying people and a lot of adversity.

That being said; perhaps your parents expect too much of you. But it also shouldn't mean they should roll out the red carpet for you and treat you like a prince.

I'm actually wondering, and I don't know if it's something that's on your mind yet... how do you see this in the long run? Not just your parents, but stuff like; living on your own, having a job, going to college/university, perhaps even a relationship. Most likely you'll find that with all these things change and adaption is expected to some degree.

One last thing; if you really feel your parents are unreasonable and in fact demand stuff that doesn't work with your Asperger's, I suggest you talk to a therapist, map out these issues, let him/her talk to your parents. I can fully understand parents don't buy into whatever their teen "demands" but perhaps an expert can map out a better "user manual" for them.

 

[SUM1]

What I'm wondering is if you have all these issues listed and/or discussed with a doctor or a therapist.

If you have digestive problems, I guess your doctor should be aware of those. If he's not, perhaps these issues are not as severe as you think they are. Or perhaps you haven't seen him yet. I don't believe that parents force things on their children if there's an actual medical record for it. And if they do... visit the doctor again.

When your parents look up downstairs and tell you, you should learn what times something happens... I don't buy into the fact that you cannot learn this. And asking them, after dinner for example, "what time do you lock up?" might be a good way to deal with it. Granted; if they keep an attitude of "we don't know... whenever we feel like it", then yes, I agree that it's unreasonable. But perhaps then I'd pick up dessert when I'm downstairs for dinner and tend to run up.

You claim that you can't change... who says your parents can? They do what they think is the right thing and in your best interest. I was in a similar situation in your age. I couldn't relate to my parents and had constant arguments with them. It just took a lot of perseverance to keep doing what you're doing and not worry too much about it. After years, when I pretty much got out of puberty, they figured "well, he's like this... it's not just puberty" and they accepted it. Keep in mind with your age; parents think there's a lot of puberty going on aside from your issues. I don't know if you should expect them to put up with each and every thing just because it annoys you. Perhaps it annoys them if you act "out of line" according to them. It's not empathy, it's called "living with others".

Besides; the entire notion of not being able to change. Yes you are... just not to extremes as you might think others would want you. In the past 15 years, I changed stuff in my life and people didn't think it would suit me to do these things, yet I changed things. For a part you're only as rigid as you believe you are. Yes, I'm fully aware that "we" wont do full 180 turns, but there's a lot of things where I could (and would) sit down with a person and calmly discuss what they expect and see how much I can do with that. Standing on a rooftop screaming "I CAN'T CHANGE!" will most likely be met by annoying people and a lot of adversity.

That being said; perhaps your parents expect too much of you. But it also shouldn't mean they should roll out the red carpet for you and treat you like a prince.

I'm actually wondering, and I don't know if it's something that's on your mind yet... how do you see this in the long run? Not just your parents, but stuff like; living on your own, having a job, going to college/university, perhaps even a relationship. Most likely you'll find that with all these things change and adaption is expected to some degree.

One last thing; if you really feel your parents are unreasonable and in fact demand stuff that doesn't work with your Asperger's, I suggest you talk to a therapist, map out these issues, let him/her talk to your parents. I can fully understand parents don't buy into whatever their teen "demands" but perhaps an expert can map out a better "user manual" for them.

I am going to a psychiatrist in a few minutes (45 min train journey). First question answered. I have been seeing many doctors about this for the past few months. Second question answered. You seem to tell me what I should do, but isn't the point of Asperger's that it's not that easy? That's the exact situation I'm in. I say I can't because it really is that hard. I can't automatically do these sorts of things just by being told by you. I can try, but it's usually unsuccessful. That's exactly what my Asperger's is.

 

[King_Oni]

You seem to tell me what I should do, but isn't the point of Asperger's that it's not that easy? That's the exact situation I'm in. I say I can't because it really is that hard. I can't automatically do these sorts of things just by being told by you. I can try, but it's usually unsuccessful. That's exactly what my Asperger's is.

I'm not saying it's easy. It's probably really hard... But I figured that instead of saying how much things bother you, I'd guess that taking action is more constructive.

What do you expect of this thread?

My post was with best intentions and to provide insight and advice. Thats what posting on a (and perhaps even more on this forum) will get you.

Not being able to deal with change easily is one thing... Not wanting change, since that's how it comes across (though perhaps it's not your intent)... Is a totally different thing.

 

[Arashi222]

Change for anyone on the spectrum is hard. If learning this stuff was easy we wouldn't be on the spectrum. Its what makes us a tad different than anyone else. Oni has some valid points though. Taking it upon yourself to do the best you can in any given situation.For example I have issues with outings being spontaneous. I need to know at least 2days in advance if something is happening or being canceled or I go into meltdown mode. So my mom knows this, I make it a point to let my friends know this too so that when things do happen (because life doesn't revolve around me) I am, and they are better able to cope with said scenario. Or like with my food issues I took it upon my self to start doing the cooking so that I dictated what happens with the food how it is prepared and such. I really hope that you get some help in dealing with all this stuff. Being a teenager is hard as it is. I hope that you can get some constructive suggestions on what to do here, and take them with a grain of salt as we all speak from our own experiences.

 

[SUM1]

I've just been to the psychiatrist and I have a follow up appointment in 2 weeks and they say they'll be assessing me for Asperger's and exploring treatments over the coming sessions.