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Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by Brit, Oct 13, 2020.

  1. Brit

    Brit Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Hi all

    I just wanted to reach out to the group again to get your point of view on something that has caused me some hurt in my nearly 4 year relationship with a wonderful aspie man.

    I know he loves me, I can see it and feel it - so there is no doubt there. Yet when I sometimes ask him "Will we ever be together?" (meaning will we ever be normal couple, not long distance or perhaps even living together, he says "No".

    I find that really hard to deal with, as it gives me so little hope. I would keep the informal situation going indefinitely if it wasn't for the feeling that one day all my dedication to this man may have been for nothing. That I might just have the rug pulled from beneath my feet at some unsuspecting moment.

    Secondly, he is absolutely 100% clear that he does not want a girlfriend. Again, this assertion puzzles me so much. I am a defacto girlfriend to him, I have been for nearly 4 years. I know he had one girlfriend in the past, something that ended badly - but that was over a decade ago. Can anyone hazard a guess as to why he says this to me? It upsets me, but I have learnt to accept this one.

    Thank you for reading.
     
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2020 at 4:14 PM
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  2. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    Sounds like he's protecting himself.
    He's already said that he expects the two of you
    to never "be together"/be a *normal couple*.

    He warded off the inroad of supplying your birthday goals.
    He does not seem interested in formal declarations of
    affection.
     
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  3. Brit

    Brit Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Thanks @tree. I think you’re probably right. Can you relate to that feeling of wanting to protecting yourself in that way?
     
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2020
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  4. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    You either are okay with it or not okay. My relationships have always been in that gray area so it wouldn't bother me, maybe because l am also on the spectrum. I really don't want 24/7 at my age. Too much for me personally. Social dynamics can be tiring for us. When l was married, l constantly disappeared for alone time. But my ex didn't feel threatened by it. He was extremely low key, so it worked for awhile.
     
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  5. Brit

    Brit Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Kind of agree with you Aspychata, I couldn't do 24/7 either, I guess I just wanted to know (want to know) whether he can see a future with me
     
  6. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    Happy B-Day!!
     
  7. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    You have been together for awhile. So to worry about the future serves no purpose except to frustrate you. l have talked to a client at work who has been in a long distance relationship for 45 years. And it's worked. It may be unconventional but again, aren't we unconventional when you think about it?
     
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  8. Brit

    Brit Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Oh thats such good advice, thank you so much Aspychata. Im not even trying to change anything - I guess I just want reassurance....:(
     
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  9. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    But you were trying to change something.
    You specifically stated behavioral goals for him.
    He declined to fulfill them in the way you set them forth.

    How often does he come to visit you?
     
  10. Brit

    Brit Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    you're right, it wasn't even conscious though which is scary

    he doesnt really come to see me as he doesn't like travelling
     
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  11. Rae Ray

    Rae Ray Active Member V.I.P Member

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    I don't know what to think of this Ms. Britt. I wish I had more for ya. I Hope Things Work Out Though. o_O
     
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  12. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    Think relationships are scary because they aren't black and white. Its just the color of confusion for some of us. Do what's best for you.
     
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  13. Brit

    Brit Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    @tree, I actually meant that I'm not trying to change the 'status' of our relationship, i'm just genuinely confused as to why he is so clearcut about things that are impossible to predict.

    But you are right - I was trying to get him to do something for me by changing his behaviour about birthdays
     
  14. Rae Ray

    Rae Ray Active Member V.I.P Member

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    Oh Yeah, Forgot, Happy Birthday Ms. Britt.
     
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  15. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    First - happy birthday!
    Multiple possibilities for why he didn't take you out for dinner or say happy birthday.
    My first thought was narcissism - my ex would never do something if he knew I liked it or wanted to do it. Once we were married he stopped playing certain songs on his guitar - the ones I used to request. Anything that might make me happy he refused.

    But then I thought about it some more. When I'm told here's what you can do that would make me happy. I would try to put my own spin on it. Doing just what the other person requests seems thoughtless. Taking you to dinner would take no thought, no preparation, etc. But by cooking your meal he had to plan, go out and get what he needed for the dinner and put effort into making it.

    The 'happy birthday'. Not sure the tone when you requested it, but I would imagine he heard it as you asking for an emotional gesture. If he had said those words, it would have meant more than just happy birthday. One step closer to relationship.

    (That's my 2 cents worth anyway).
     
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  16. Autistic Yoda

    Autistic Yoda Do. Or do not. There is no 'try'.

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    Brit, I never say hpbd either with good reason. I despise reciting other people's appropriate words at their designated times. They made me say 'amen' on cue over a quarter million times in my childhood, so you'd have to get medieval on me to force such a statement. Thousands of hours mumbling counterproductive words in futile childhood prayer? Now I'll only say what I feel. For a specific informative/useful/funny purpose, my communications always are.

    And yes, an aspie can most certainly feel love and get on your side for real. In fact, we have more loyalty than the neurotypical.
     
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2020
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  17. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    You asked him a direct question and he gave you a direct answer. I guess it is hard to accept a negative, when you feel so emotionally invested and because you are sure he loves you, but to be honest, if you are going to ask that kind of question, then really, you have to accept the answer.

    You have to leave things be for now, because he is being so definite about it, that means he cannot see a future with you.
     
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  18. Stella Nordica

    Stella Nordica New Member

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    First of all, Happy Birthday, @Brit, hope you have a good one!

    Second: I'm not yet diagnosed but his reactions made me nod again and again.

    Re the status of relationship: I can't have a full relationship. Tried it a couple of times but usually back out at one point when it gets too close, when I feel I have no control over the situation, "colour of confusion" someone called it. I like that one, very descriptive, rings a bell to me!
    That backing out even happens with the best man I have ever come across. We've known each other for more than 20 years now and we've tried it a couple of times. Didn't work despite mutual feelings and love. There's no one like him anywhere. I just can't .... give him what a true relationship is made of. And if I can't give him this, I will never ever be able to give it to someone else. Tried so when there was a break of a couple of years when he was married. We've come to an agreement now and it works.

    As for the request of saying "Happy Birthday", he might have done so on his own without your prompting. Why? Because he may have had some similar problems to me. Whenever someone tells me I should say this or that - I can't. I simply can't. It doesn't make sense to me. I can't generally speak about my feelings, but I also remember from early childhood that my parents and grandparents always told me to say certain niceties to visiting elderly relatives but I muted. I might have come up with similar things (maybe not) but having been told to do that simply turned it into a void. Maybe it's similar with him?

    Just my 2 cents, and maybe I'm totally off in this cas but this would be how I would react in a similar situation.

    All the best to the two of you!
     
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  19. Autistic Yoda

    Autistic Yoda Do. Or do not. There is no 'try'.

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    There are (acceptable?) substitutes for hpbd. Some of my favorites, these are:
    1) Keep being (Brit), you're great at it!
    2) Never fade!
    3) Happy increased likelihood of getting oral day.
    4) Cleverly twisting words which are personally important to you, such as your favorite lyrics/movie/show.
    5) We first met when you were just (X) years old. And in that moment I just knew... hardly anything at all. But many years later I figured out how cool you are.

    Good enough?
     
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  20. Yeshuasdaughter

    Yeshuasdaughter Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    He's a butthead. Don't waste your time. If there even was a future for you two, do you really want to be treated like that when you're sixty-five? You want your future children to grow up in that environment?

    If you're living together, save up money and move out. Maybe find a friend of yours you can stay with temporarily while you find a new apt.

    There are so many more fish in the sea! There's someone out there for you that will make you finally realize what a "scrub" he is.
     
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