Jen i also have a mentor(or shall we say life coach) and belive me when i say without him i wouldent have comed in this forum i would have have ............ He is my life support /continence (helps me keep track on my self so i dont loose track in my thoughts & desitions ) and helps me with just about everything i may need and checks in with me by phone pretty much daily. (he took over the role my dear mother had before she got Alzheimer's.
DONT be afraid to let youre mentor know how you feel Jen thats what she`s there for so the more you can open up to her the better she can try to help you.
And Jen i can guarantee you that she alredy knows ALL about youre diagnosis so she will NOT freak out or leave you just for that
And reg you risk being put in hospital again ? Doght it for what? They all alredy know about all youre diagnosis so try to not worry so much about that my friend.
The worrying of things changing or those that helps you or those you care about will leave you we both share Jen . BUT we cant always worry about they one day have to leave us. What we both have to try is to learn to accept this fact and make the best of the time we do get with them dear
She is sort of like a life coach she is a DSP or a direct support professional through my developmental disabilities program
not that that matters and I have told her about this before oh and we are working on it she says not to use the word afraid around her and trying to let everything go
I told her about the incidents in the hospital with me nealy been killed being killed and well you saw my video I don’t want to go to deeply in to it but I told her about what happened in the room and how they took away my innocence physically and figuratively oh anyway she said that I have one of two options I can either find it or I can choose to let go
and she said I had to make a choice and that there was no going back on that choice
She said if I find it I’m gonna have to go through lawyers and therapist and things like that and court and she talk to me about God and karma and she said those nurses or staff or whoever they are are probably being punished already or Cought doing some thing else and somehow are for what they did being punished from from god
honestly she said they probably were caught with somebody else which is the reason why originally I wanted to fight it again
she said if I choose to let it go and then I forgot what she said after but I decided to let it go ultimately
she said that she will be with me for a long time and I have discussed the concerns about her teaching before as I mentioned
and I’ve had freak out in front of her before like when I found out that she was teaching again for the first time I originals then I was happy for her but then didn’t know whether or not it would work out I said the day that she first started teaching again originally she was a bit hurt but then tried to call me down she later said that she herself was working on being more patient and understanding
at the time then I freaked out the first day she was teaching another bad day her self I felt so bad afterwards
By the way in general speaking my DSP does not believe in medication at all she believes that things can be solved using a healthy diet
Exercise and things like that
now that she’s kind of settled in to teaching things have been OK but sometimes we get really tired
for for some reason I freaked out a couple more times One time yesterday because I’ve been going to the Special Olympics program and originally I was worried about her taking me already but she said she would be able to take me and one day we decided they were both too tired but mainly because I was worried about her not because of me
because she seems so tired that I didn’t even think she could drive me there even if she want to and she was willing
sorry if this post is a bit all over the place I haven’t slept that well in a while in fact I was up all night for no reason except maybe at a little too much caffeine
My grandmothers has insomnia or what you would say not being able to sleep on and it’s just a thing with the family has in general that we all Experienced and then we just have to learn to cope with then there’s not much that can be done.
I don’t know if I’m freaking out because of the lack of sleep the pandemic or what and I have no idea what is making me think then I would end up in the hospital again
except maybe for the fact then I mean kind of I don’t know delirious if I may put it lately but I believe that’s because of the lack of sleep
maybe because of what she said about letting go of what happened to me I feel like if I do and I let my mind just wanderer or whatever I am I end up in the state of PTSD or some sort of psychosis state in which I can’t control my body at all and my mind is controlling itself and acting like I’m doing one thing on my mind is trying to do another thing or whatever it is again
I feel stuck because traditional therapy even though I feel pretty much fine would not work for me at all because well although I have a neuropsychologist she must be doing some type of therapy on me But anyway traditional therapy doesn’t work because I don’t believe my cognitive skills are high enough and I’m not trying to say that I’m not smart it’s just sad it’s all about communication and understanding of reading writing etc.
One thing my DSP says is that I don’t have to explain myself to anyone can I have the right to be who I am which I agreed to as well although it’s not like I don’t know that it’s just the social skill issue as well as I am is your being anxious and curious at the same time
as far as being out of my control of my body and mind we are also working on non- where if I would talk out my thoughts out loud she would just stay quiet but she still learning that sometimes I’m not intending to talk out my thoughts even know if I am I’m just thinking immediately and then saying itout my mouth without realizing I’m doing that
she said she never wants to hear me say the words I’m afraid again
she just wants in basically go with the flow and try to not think about things so much and it seems like she’s saying to let life be life
And she saidAbout that original thing about hearing my friend in my head which actually originally was a good thing after in a weird sort of way like A spiritual way
it was more about creativity or like imagining it as if my friends were there (and at the time I was trying to write a book through my journals and actually since my school read the giver I was trying to do a different version of it in my head like a fan fiction or something like that before the hospitalization ) more than it being a hallucination then an actual voice at least from what I can remember when the PTSD or whatever his hit that’s when it got kind of out-of-control now it’s fine it’s just that I am all of a sudden now these random thoughts are like a freak outs about that I want to not freak out because if I do somehow my brain is connecting and thinking that I might end up being in the hospital again or being misunderstood again or may be hurt again.
Especially at the evenings 
