wonder if it's deliberate sometimes

[Pats]

I have one sister I talk to. The other two I really don't like hearing from because it just reminds me why I don't want to talk to or hear from them. So my sister calls to wish me a merry Christmas and said both siblings said to tell me Merry Christmas and my brother said to make it a point to tell me merry Christmas from him. I just said ok and went on to a different subject. But if I know someone doesn't want to hear from me I leave them alone. So is it a dig somehow that they will have the message relayed to me? I was enjoying my quiet Christmas, not I'm irritated.

But then, this is the same brother that antagonizes my sister with politics.

 

[Streetwise]

I have one sister I talk to. The other two I really don't like hearing from because it just reminds me why I don't want to talk to or hear from them. So my sister calls to wish me a merry Christmas and said both siblings said to tell me Merry Christmas and my brother said to make it a point to tell me merry Christmas from him. I just said ok and went on to a different subject. But if I know someone doesn't want to hear from me I leave them alone. So is it a dig somehow that they will have the message relayed to me? I was enjoying my quiet Christmas, not I'm irritated.

But then, this is the same brother that antagonizes my sister with politics.

I’ve never known if my mother’s mother actually cared about me or it was another reason ,after I no longer visited or telephoned her ,she wrote to me and always said in the letter or if I’d gone to see her after a period of time ,let bygones Be bygones but all I associate that with is her being her

 

[Loren]

Whether a dig or not, I don't know, but it caused you to become irritated, so, just wanted to say I'm sorry this occurred and hope your mind is relieved of it, now, or will be, soon, and you continue to enjoy the day.

 

[Mia]

One of my siblings is the 'caretaker/enabler' of the idea of family. They do the same thing, passing on greetings from other family members under the ruse of keeping the family together or somehow connected. Often I suspect they simply make it up to keep the idea of the happy family going. So there's no strife during the holidays.

 

[Aspychata]

l get you Pat; everything was fine, then you have to deal with *phonecall* , and the history of family relations. Like it really didn't need to go there, relatives are notorious at disrupting the holidays and we swim around in those memories at these times. lol

 

[Fino]

I'd like to think that they feel bad and are trying to do a small, nice thing to try to keep things on the friendly side, but obviously you know them much better than I do so I don't know.

 

[Pats]

Was up half the night unable to get this off my mind. It bothers me when I feel like I'm being unforgiving and eats away at me. It's my reaction that I have such a hard time dealing with and my confusion about my own emotions and decisions. My question is can you forgive someone and still choose to walk away from them?

I was happiest when I was on the run and no one in my family knew where I was or how to reach me. That's basically all I want - for them to leave me alone. I told them I forgave them and even apologized for my reactions, but don't want to keep in touch. I'm a forgiving person - my heart can and has forgiven those who hurt me most, but no one (including myself) ever expected me to become friends or pals with them. To me, forgiveness is actually hoping for the best for them and not wanting them to suffer like I have. It doesn't mean you have to be part of each other's lives does it?

 

[Streetwise]

Was up half the night unable to get this off my mind. It bothers me when I feel like I'm being unforgiving and eats away at me. It's my reaction that I have such a hard time dealing with and my confusion about my own emotions and decisions. My question is can you forgive someone and still choose to walk away from them?

I was happiest when I was on the run and no one in my family knew where I was or how to reach me. That's basically all I want - for them to leave me alone. I told them I forgave them and even apologized for my reactions, but don't want to keep in touch. I'm a forgiving person - my heart can and has forgiven those who hurt me most, but no one (including myself) ever expected me to become friends or pals with them. To me, forgiveness is actually hoping for the best for them and not wanting them to suffer like I have. It doesn't mean you have to be part of each other's lives does it?

from what I know the feeling of forgiving somebody takes a certain amount of time ,thinking it in your mind is immediate ,forgetting is different to forgiving you .It may depend on whether you think they are a danger to you ,in the Bible in the new Testament ,people are called to be different parts of the body ,some are called to be martyrs ,if you know that’s not you and you think they are dangerous ,stay away from them.

 

[Thinx]

I think it's possible to choose not to be irritated. It does take practice, but the big advantage is that then you get to choose how you feel, as opposed to being manipulated by others to feel bad. Maybe have a script or mantra for the things that get you irritated, and use it to back away slowly from irritation to feeling comfortable.

This could be something like:
I can choose how I feel, and I have made wise decisions about this.

I am an adult and have made wise choices for myself to have no contact with people who have behaved badly towards me enough times to justify my decision. It is not surprising they don't see it the same way, and as I like to keep in touch with a sister who's in touch with them, I ll sometimes hear them mentioned, and she may sometimes repeat their greetings to me, or even make up greetings from them, maybe.

I can hear what she says, without letting this bother me, because it's her take on things, not mine. Maybe she needs to do this, despite I don't want to hear from them, and that's OK, it's about her not me, and I care about her.

I can choose how I feel, and I feel good about my decisions on this.

Or whatever applies. I find it useful with this kind of thing to think of myself as having a child part that's feeling upset or irritated, and consciously bring forward the adult me, so I can process from the adult part of me, not the hurt or frightened or upset child. You have already made a decision about this you are happy with, you don't have to feel bad about it , but a part of you needs reassurance, is how I think about this.

 

[Pats]

I think it's possible to choose not to be irritated. It does take practice, but the big advantage is that then you get to choose how you feel, as opposed to being manipulated by others to feel bad. Maybe have a script or mantra for the things that get you irritated, and use it to back away slowly from irritation to feeling comfortable.

This could be something like:
I can choose how I feel, and I have made wise decisions about this.

I am an adult and have made wise choices for myself to have no contact with people who have behaved badly towards me enough times to justify my decision. It is not surprising they don't see it the same way, and as I like to keep in touch with a sister who's in touch with them, I ll sometimes hear them mentioned, and she may sometimes repeat their greetings to me, or even make up greetings from them, maybe.

I can hear what she says, without letting this bother me, because it's her take on things, not mine. Maybe she needs to do this, despite I don't want to hear from them, and that's OK, it's about her not me, and I care about her.

I can choose how I feel, and I feel good about my decisions on this.

Or whatever applies. I find it useful with this kind of thing to think of myself as having a child part that's feeling upset or irritated, and consciously bring forward the adult me, so I can process from the adult part of me, not the hurt or frightened or upset child. You have already made a decision about this you are happy with, you don't have to feel bad about it , but a part of you needs reassurance, is how I think about this.

I think it is reassurance I need. You're right. And I need to take the advice I always give and ask myself if it were someone else, what would I say to them and give that a try. Thanks.

 

[Pats]

from what I know the feeling of forgiving somebody takes a certain amount of time ,thinking it in your mind is immediate ,forgetting is different to forgiving you .It may depend on whether you think they are a danger to you ,in the Bible in the new Testament ,people are called to be different parts of the body ,some are called to be martyrs ,if you know that’s not you and you think they are dangerous ,stay away from them.

I think that's it in a way. Maybe I'm tired of being the martyr.

 

[Pats]

As a matter of fact - I think I realize it's guilt. Always guilt. Like when someone sends me pictures that I have no interest in I feel guilty if I toss them. Today I'm working on that and I've started to go through stuff and get rid of that I was just hanging onto because it was a gift or something and I felt guilty if I got rid of before. So, physical and emotionally clearing out the clutter without the guilt!

 

[Mia]

Today I'm working on that and I've started to go through stuff and get rid of that I was just hanging onto because it was a gift or something and I felt guilty if I got rid of before.

Did something similar a few years back. The things my bio family had given me amounted to a tiny box. I kept a few letters, a pair of knitted slippers my mom made and a tool my dad made in his shop. That's it.
When I think about the gifts I made and gave, which were never considered as good as those things bought by my siblings. I think about how much time those things took to make. Like I was giving a part of myself, that was hardly appreciated. Now, I have people in my life, who appreciate the things I make and give.