Women on the spectrum, masking

[DesertRose]

Hi, I'm wondering if there are women on the spectrum out there, who are confused about, or maybe just don't do the masking thing. Masking is where a female watches her friends closely, then adapts her behavior to be like her friends. In other words, copying the behaviors to blend in.
I always had a problem socially. I just was not like other children, I didn't care for joining in, really wasn't interested in many of the same things. I would go around the building away from the majority, usually with one or two friends, and we'd sit and talk, or play our own games.
As far as mimicking, or copying behaviors, I don't recall ever doing that. I was always told "be yourself". However, I did pick up some behaviors, and would end up acting like some others, but it was never intentionally, or that I copied consciously what to do, then mimicked. If I did that at all, it was subconscious and not thinking it out. I have thought I was a bit passive agressive, where when an argument was over, I played it out in my head, thinking if it ever happened again, I'd do this, or do that.
So, my question is, as a woman on the spectrum,
1. did you "mask", put on a face/behavior, to hide your symptoms, or
2. did you do it subconsciously, or
3. Never did this, never thought about it, didn't sit and think out all these behaviors.

 

[Lia]

I've never done it, but I did spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to do it as a teenager.

 

[Bella Pines]

So, my question is, as a woman on the spectrum,
1. did you "mask", put on a face/behavior, to hide your symptoms, or
2. did you do it subconsciously, or
3. Never did this, never thought about it, didn't sit and think out all these behaviors.

I do mask now and I do hide my symptoms with colleagues or NTs that I don't know very well. I don't do anything subconsciously. I didn't used to do it but I do now.

I would love to live in a world where everyone can just be themselves, I try to accept everyone for who they are. However, practically that is not really the case and NTs are in the majority. There is a certain herd like behaviour that is considered acceptable for no good reason and if you don't play ball then you can't really achieve a lot. So there are situations at work where I need to mirror them in order to get things done or get what I want.

This is controversial and potentially a bit sexist, but I personally think that being a woman on the spectrum is harder. Aspie men are acceptable and often considered dark and mysterious. Men are "supposed" to be strong and hide their emotions, ironically NT men are often called "girls" and teased if they show emotion. Women are "supposed" to be emotional, and kind, and caring and make a coo noise like a pigeon. I am not a pigeon. I do not coo. Nor do I give a monkies about the stupid first work problems that most NTs around me "suffer" with. But the fact that I am cold, unemotional and logical is often quite terrifying to people and simply does not compute. They assume I'm some kind of psychopath. So I often force out a coo and smile and ask people if they are "okay", passing tissues when they are at their most pathetic. This exhausts me but is the only way to survive in society as it stands today.

 

[Bolletje]

I always masked subconsciously. Didn’t realize I was doing it until I got diagnosed at age 29. Now I don’t mask as much, but when I’m in a new environment I do study people around me to assess the appropriate level of familiarity with others because I have the tendency to be overly formal otherwise.

 

[Drakanav]

My masking is seen as shyness. I stay quiet, hidden, so people can't see my social inabilities. When I'm at home with family, my mask is off and I become a blabber mouth - until one of my brothers friends come over and invades my safe place where I can be myself.
I don't think I imitated other people, but more of closed myself in to hide.

 

[DesertRose]

Moved this post to a blog.

 

[Gracey]

I’m not confident in my initial assessment of any new group or clique,
There’s every chance I’m misunderstanding what motivates or bonds them so I find I observe in the hope of confirming (or changing) my initial thoughts.

If I happened to have found myself amongst a gang of sniping vipers, I won’t mask or pretend to be hurtful and judgemental just to fit in.

My experiences suggest to me that I can unintentionally upset people (if they don’t ‘know’ me)
I will use bits and pieces I’ve watched others use (successfully)
I’ll have them classified and filed under ‘acceptable’ in my memory

When the situation warrants it, I’ll use them.

@Bella Pines mentioned ‘cooing ‘ above.
Cooing is acceptable should a colleague bring in their new born child to show off.
I personally would gather around the new mum with the rest of the ‘clucking hens’ (women, usually) and tell the glowing mother her baby is beautiful.
It might not be my actual want or opinion but cooing; in all of the times I’ve watched this happen,
has never changed, there’s no multi choice in this situation, cooing is consistent and the acceptable thing to do. (It’s an easy one)
....until mum asks “would you like to hold her?
I’m like, “No, she looks settled there, leave her where she’s comfy”

 

[Lady Lucifer]

I'm reading a book called Aspergirls and in there it mentions women with AS (not autsim) generally mask, but autsitics generally don't. I guess its a matter of the level of functioning?

1. did you "mask", put on a face/behavior, to hide your symptoms, or
2. did you do it subconsciously, or
3. Never did this, never thought about it, didn't sit and think out all these behaviors.

I'm AS. I do #1. I want to fit in.

 

[Thinx]

I don't really identify as a woman except biologically and as someone who was brought up as a girl. I think gender is a spectrum. As someone who was brought up as a girl I definitely unconsciously masked although I d say I was masking confusion mostly. Once I went to school, I didn't know how I was supposed to be or act so I watched and tried to do what I was supposed to. I remember changing schools and standing by the playground wall watching. As was my sister. We were good at masking I think partly because we learned caution around my dad who seemed difficult in communication. Think he was on the autistic spectrum in retrospect.

However I had no idea I was doing this until a few years ago. I quite like babies. I kindly received one that was being passed around a while ago at a social event but wow he was so oooooeeeeoooo heavy! Like a lead weight. Cute though.

 

[Progster]

No, I didn't really, until I started to work, then I had to make an effort to suppress my impulses or true nature in order to appear a bit more 'normal' and to fit, in, because my livelihood depended on it. Didn't work though, I'm not a good actress and when I'm stressed, my mask slips.

 

[LadyBird84]

I had a lot of friends as a young kid. My mom once said she thought this was because I was always fine with playing whatever the other kid wanted to do and didn't really have strong opinions of my own. So yes I guess I did that but it wasn't a conscious effort.

Now I often can't be bothered to take a moment to look at others, but that does mean I'll get things wrong and regret the decision not to think about what to say more. In new groups I will look at others but only on what not to do. For instance if everyone in the group is very cheerful and outgoing, I won't be that way because that's just not me. I think the older I get the more often I consciously decide that it's not worth pretending to be something I'm not. Though I realize that sometimes it is (eg job interview), but I think that last part goes for NT people too.

 

[DesertRose]

This is very interesting. All I remember about the other girls - is that I thought all them were faking or acting in a different way than natural. Maybe thats why i got so suspicious of people. ???That somehow, they were different in public and home, or alone. Its been a long time, but it seemed my mom was different like that. The thing that stood out to me most of my life, is, that we were kind to the outsiders, and hateful to our own family. I don't know why I felt that way, but it's kinda making sense now. I'm not too quick to pick it up, but over a little time, I begin to see contradictions in peoples' behavior. Sad to say, I see it in my mom. :/ maybe there's a mask there, maybe she has AS. Maybe it's something else. ?
Thank you all for replying.

 

[Icequeen]

I'm sure I did, but don't remember actually trying. I didn't have many girlfriends, I just wasn't interested in the same things as most girls were. I was always more comfortable hanging out with the guys.

Never mastered the cooing stuff, every time someone would come around me with a baby when I was younger I would start looking for an exit. Every time without fail I swear they would sense fear and plunk the kid in my lap.

 

[DesertRose]

Never mastered the cooing stuff, every time someone would come around me with a baby when I was younger I would start looking for an exit. Every time without fail I swear they would sense fear and plunk the kid in my lap.

Sounds like me, I liked looking, but not holding. Lol

 

[theflutegirl12]

I mask a lot, but its mostly because I'm being taught social skills so that I can fit in to the world more. It doesn't actually irritate me to mask, it actually feels good to be understood in a better way by NTs, but I love when I don't have to mask around my autistic friends