Winning an Aspie back

[MrsRefsmmat]

Very recently, I discovered that my former partner possibly has Aspie. I read up on AS, and suddenly things about our past relationship made sense.

My Aspie currently associates me with stress/anxiety, because of the mistakes I've made in the past by overreacting to things. I've since learned, and have admitted this and apologized to my Aspie.

My partner might or might not be aware of this condition, but I suspect there is some awareness.

Is it even possible to re-attract my Aspie, and if so, how should I go about it?

 

[Bolletje]

You should be asking your ex that question, not a forum full of people that don't know either of you.

 

[MrsRefsmmat]

You should be asking your ex that question, not a forum full of people that don't know either of you.

I'm hoping to understand from the perspective of others who have Aspie, how that might be possible, i.e. what would re-attract them to an ex.

 

[Momo]

For me? Perhaps some level of understanding and talking it out may help. You wouldn't believe what wonders a conversation can do! Other than that I'm not sure, I suppose you'll have to work at it.

 

[MrsRefsmmat]

For me? Perhaps some level of understanding and talking it out may help. You wouldn't believe what wonders a conversation can do! Other than that I'm not sure, I suppose you'll have to work at it.

Are you Aspie or NT? I have heard that Aspies don't like to be put on the spot, and I know emotional conversations stress him out.

 

[Momo]

Are you Aspie or NT? I have heard that Aspies don't like to be put on the spot, and I know emotional conversations stress him out.

Aspie, but there is a certain way you can initiate such a conversation so that may not be as stressful, like having it on neutral ground, like a cafe or something rather than a home where it seems more territorial. Though generally, I would say the best way would be to have the conversation while doing something else said aspie likes, such as fishing. I find having a confronting conversation while jogging or something along that line can really help for me, while allowing for an escape route if all goes haywire. But that may just be me. The other thing is, if you start to pick up on distress while talking don't push, be gentle and work at it. Sometimes these things can take time.

 

[MrsRefsmmat]

Aspie, but there is a certain way you can initiate such conversation that may not be as stressful, like having it on neautral ground, like a cafe or something rather than a home where it seems more territorial. Though generally, I would say the best way would be to have the conversation while doing something else said aspie likes, such as fishing. I find having a confronting conversation while jogging or something along that line can really help for me, while allowing for an escape route if all goes haywire. But that may just be me. The other thing is, if you start to pick up on distress while talking don't push, be gentle and work at it. Sometimes these things can take time.

Thank you.

I hope I didn't already ruin things for myself. It's been months since the break-up. But a few weeks ago, I went to see my Aspie. We caught up with each other's lives, and about people we know. I brought something that would ease the situation, and it did. I can't reveal it, because I wouldn't want my Aspie to know it's me.

However, my Aspie admitted that he/she does not feel resentful, is happier alone, and still feels stressed out whenever my name pops up. I asked if we could just at least be friends. He/She said he/she needs time. I haven't contacted him/her in about a month.

After I discovered that he/she is potentially Aspie, which was only a week ago, I realized that he/she is worth the fight. I know it's going to be difficult. But I don't want to give up. Is that silly?

Any advice?

 

[Momo]

Thank you.

I hope I didn't already ruin things for myself. It's been months since the break-up. But a few weeks ago, I went to see my Aspie. We caught up with each other's lives, and about people we know. I brought something that would ease the situation, and it did. I can't reveal it, because I wouldn't want my Aspie to know it's me.

However, my Aspie admitted that he/she does not feel resentful, is happier alone, and still feels stressed out whenever my name pops up. I asked if we could just at least be friends. He/She said he/she needs time. I haven't contacted him/her in about a month.

After I discovered that he/she is potentially Aspie, which was only a week ago, I realized that he/she is worth the fight. I know it's going to be difficult. But I don't want to give up. Is that silly?

Any advice?

Sounds rather tricky. I understand his need for alone time, it's pretty common for an aspie to need a lot of that, but for now he may be happier on his own, but I know, at least in my experience, that doesn't usually last forever. Loneliness gets even the most introverted of us, in fact that is a major problem for a lot of people on these forums.

I don't know if your desire to work out your relationship with him will work out honestly, but I must say it is commendable the effort you're going to. The amount of stress he obviously feels around you may mean you have to slowly work back in, ease into it. If he's stressed out by your name alone I don't know how much time it will take, and I don't know if trying to work out as friends will fix that either. Relationships, messy work.

 

[MrsRefsmmat]

Sounds rather tricky. I understand his need for alone time, it's pretty common for an aspie to need a lot of that, but for now he may be happier on his own, but I know, at least in my experience, that doesn't usually last forever. Loneliness gets even the most introverted of us, in fact that is a major problem for a lot of people on these forums.

I don't know if your desire to work out your relationship with him will work out honestly, but I must say it is commendable the effort you're going to. The amount of stress he obviously feels around you may mean you have to slowly work back in, ease into it. If he's stressed out by your name alone I don't know how much time it will take, and I don't know if trying to work out as friends will fix that either. Relationships, messy work.

How do you think I should approach him in a way that makes him feel most at ease?

And what if I write him a letter, so that he gets time to process things?

I haven't pushed to move things forward, but now that I know of his AS, I get that he perceives things differently...

People (without knowing about his AS) have definitely told me to give up long ago. Sigh. I've had plenty of time to ponder this, and still want to try to make things work.

 

[Momo]

How do you think I should approach him in a way that makes him feel most at ease?

And what if I write him a letter, so that he gets time to process things?

I haven't pushed to move things forward, but now that I know of his AS, I get that he perceives things differently...

People (without knowing about his AS) have definitely told me to give up long ago. Sigh. I've had plenty of time to ponder this, and still want to try to make things work.

Perhaps a letter is the best way to go. Make sure to set it out plainly though, sometimes if you write it in a non-literal way it may be misinterpreted.

 

[Streetwise]

from what youve said about his reaction to your name its like he suffers from p.t.s.d !maybe he just wasn't psychologically mature enough to be committed to a woman,if he has anxiety (very common in autism ) he needs to find a therapy to make it bearable. I'd say for you read books written by male ASPIES ,its learning another language, culture, lifestyle really

 

[MrsRefsmmat]

Perhaps a letter is the best way to go. Make sure to set it out plainly though, sometimes if you write it in a non-literal way it may be misinterpreted.

I was thinking of keeping it written in a simplistic style--concise sentences.

Acknowledge what he needs and who he is that I didn't realize before. Maybe apologize for the ways I pushed for things to be different. I didn't know then what I know now.

Would he hate me? Or would he be appreciative?

I'm probably foolish for not walking away, but wouldn't an Aspie want someone to fight for them, too?

 

[MrsRefsmmat]

from what youve said about his reaction to your name its like he suffers from p.t.s.d !maybe he just wasn't psychologically mature enough to be committed to a woman,if he has anxiety (very common in autism ) he needs to find a therapy to make it bearable. I'd say for you read books written by male ASPIES ,its learning another language, culture, lifestyle really

He was the one who suggested I receive therapy for my own issues. When I suggested that he did the same for his issues, he shut down.

All is not lost, is it? I hope I'm able to show him that things can be different. Would you have any recommendations for how I can do that?

 

[Keigan]

The best thing you can do is to just talk with your partner.

A) people don't like to be categorized or labeled, let your partner find their own way towards self-diagnosis or official diagnosis

B) be very gentle with questions, the aspie brain needs time to process especially with questions involving emotions

C) continue to research AS, there some excellent threads on the board

 

[Streetwise]

n.t.or people on the autism spectrum or neurodiverse
they will be ready to change when they decide
to speed up the change takes something that will guarantee he can cope .
i remember a Christian talking about coming off drugs because his mother prayed for him to the extent that the skin was dropping off the palms of her hands .i think Americans call losing everything for the one you love or going all out .
I'm not saying harm yourself but caring for someone is not clocking in and clocking out

there is another quote from an n.t woman being married to a man with Aspergers is like having a baby tocare for

 

[MrsRefsmmat]

The best thing you can do is to just talk with your partner.

A) people don't like to be categorized or labeled, let your partner find their own way towards self-diagnosis or official diagnosis

B) be very gentle with questions, the aspie brain needs time to process especially with questions involving emotions

C) continue to research AS, there some excellent threads on the board

I'll keep researching AS, thank you.

I don't plan on talking to him anytime soon, since that might cause a shutdown. He might or might not be aware of his AS, and I doubt he wants to hear from me that he has it.

Will he shut me out completely even if I'm gently easing my way back into his life?

 

[Keigan]

I'll keep researching AS, thank you.

I don't plan on talking to him anytime soon, since that might cause a shutdown. He might or might not be aware of his AS, and I doubt he wants to hear from me that he has it.

Will he shut me out completely even if I'm gently easing my way back into his life?

If your questioning your partner then they could easily withdraw or shutdown - take a stand for the relationship from the perspective of finding ways to communicate. Always look for workability.

 

[MrsRefsmmat]

n.t.or people on the autism spectrum or neurodiverse
they will be ready to change when they decide
to speed up the change takes something that will guarantee he can cope .
i remember a Christian talking about coming off drugs because his mother prayed for him to the extent that the skin was dropping off the palms of her hands .i think Americans call losing everything for the one you love or going all out .
I'm not saying harm yourself but caring for someone is not clocking in and clocking out

there is another quote from an n.t woman being married to a man with Aspergers is like having a baby tocare for

I can understand that. He's not necessarily going to "have moments" -- this is just going to be the way he is.

I do love him, and I do wish we could have a second chance.

 

[MrsRefsmmat]

If your questioning your partner then they could easily withdraw or shutdown - take a stand for the relationship from the perspective of finding ways to communicate. Always look for workability.

I'm thinking of writing him a letter. Keep it brief and concise.

For instance, acknowledge my mistakes and apologize for them. And mention how I want things to be different for BOTH our sake (e.g. we both were afraid to mention we wanted alone time).

Do you think he'll be appreciative of that? Or will he hate me/withdraw further?

 

[Chance]

Very recently, I discovered that my former partner possibly has Aspie. I read up on AS, and suddenly things about our past relationship made sense.

My Aspie currently associates me with stress/anxiety, because of the mistakes I've made in the past by overreacting to things. I've since learned, and have admitted this and apologized to my Aspie.

My partner might or might not be aware of this condition, but I suspect there is some awareness.

Is it even possible to re-attract my Aspie, and if so, how should I go about it?

Its tough for me when I feel like I am being labeled, or categorized. I already know Im a mess and dont need to be reminded of it.

My simple suggestion is learn all you want, but don't make him an object that has to be fixed to your standards.

My wife (beautiful, sexy, dominate NT) has decided after all these years she cant change the way I think or act. I now have a choice, change and be this romantic NT person or else... Instead of becoming supportive, she be became bitter, hateful, and cruel... She is now thinking of ending it. I won't stop her, because I did change as much as I could, and I faked what I couldn't change (for her) and it became too exhausting.

I statred having massive panic attacks and severe depression. I never hid anything from her, she has known this all along and then I was diagnosed along after we were married... I cant hide some of it (mild Tourettes, SPD, OCD)... Those things cant hide, they are there and in my face all day.

Just be LOGICAL thats what we (I) understand, of course I only speak as something for you to compare to.
My words my mean nothing, but look down the road... If you are expecting huge changes, this might save both of you a lot of heartache. : )