Will someone help me sort out this situation.

[Artchaser]

Long post incoming.

I'm on the brink of a panic attack and possibly a meltdown because I can't figure out what to do in this situation I'm in right now. I posted here a few months ago asking about how to handle my breakup with my EX of 2 years who has aspergers and got advice to let her go. I did stop messaging her and we haven't said a word to eachother in 2 months. But lately these thoughts have been creeping into my head that maybe I could have worded things differently the last time I wrote her and that I completely screwed up my chances of her ever having the courage to say she misses me if she ever does, because of how I feel I expressed myself the wrong way in my last message because I closed the door on her.

Our conversation went like this. A week after the breakup I told her :

Me : Hello how are you? Just wanted to say that I made a fool of myself and regret it like hell that this turned out the way it did. I should have been there for you more often and support you instead of getting mad at you..
I absolutely understand if you do not want to try to fix what we had. Just wanted you to know.

Her :
Hi, everythings all right with me. What worries me is if this will happen more times ... and I really understand that sex is a big deal for you.
I have also thought in retrospect that it went very fast. I need to think more about it. Of course this is really hard but it felt good for me to choose myself ...
I really do not like to be uncertain towards you but honestly I have to think about it ... at least one or two weeks ... It came as a bit of a shock when we said we would end our relationship even though it was me who brought it up. And that "shock" has not really subsided yet ...

Me :
I know that you have a lot with school and so on so do not want to disturb you too much. But think about it.

one week later

Her :
Hey! So, I've been thinking a bit. Should we meet up and talk and maybe do something fun over a day? Doesnt have to be anything special. I regret a little that it went so fast. My water boiled over and we could have talked about it a little more.

Me : Yes I'd like that! This week or next? What suits you?

Her : Maybe next sunday?

Me : Next Sunday sounds good! We can talk more about where and when, when it approaches.

one week later

Her : Hi. I've been thinking alot and I'm sorry to say it but I feel it's best we don't meet up on Sunday. I don't want to give you false hopes and I do not know what I had thought that the purpose of meeting would be like in retrospect .. because I still feel it is best that we go our separate ways as we both have different needs in a relationship and are in different places in life. Sorry I draged it out. You need to focus on yourself and do what's best for you! And I have to do the same

Me (Really confused and anxious) : Okay, I understand.. take care of yourself.

Her : you too!

So by now I'm completely shattered and confused. She went hot and cold on me and I gave it a rest for a month until I could not handle it anymore and needed closure in some way. So I wrote her. (This is where I think I messed up my chances of her ever wanting to or having to courage to get together with me again. I think I smothered her too much)

Me : Hi, I know you do not want to meet up and talk with me, you do not have to answer this if you do not want to but I just want to say that I understand
why you felt stressed in our relationship and if you felt that all I wanted was sex. I loved you just the way you were and thought it was really nice that we did not have to see each other constantly 24/7 and that we could both be alone one
whole week without any problems. I know we had some discussions about politics and what our future would look like in the end and I do not know if it had any effect on our breakup.
I got the impression that you felt that everything went too fast in the end. That I had moved and that there was a change in your routines.
I have read a bit about how routines work in autism and just want you to know that I have a little more understanding of what might have happened to you.
That said you do not have to answer this if you do not want to, I just wanted to get it said. Take care of yourself. And I just want to be honest and say that I miss you very very much. Is there any chance we can be together again? I just need a clear answer that I can move on, but I don't want to give up too soon. But if you want, I'm willing to try again and get better.

Her : I still feel like I made the right choice. I feel absolutely no resentment or negativity towards you. It was also that my feelings had cooled down and I felt that our differences, which at first were Nice, began to become more and more that it did not benefit us (or me ...). I think you should move on ..I Hate being the one who does this and says this you should know. But for me, it's best, unfortunately

Me (This is the part I obsess over, I feel like I closed the door on her) : Okay. But then I have at least got to explain how I feel towards you and can be sure of how you feel about me and got a conclusion and closure. Take care now.

Her : Thanks and you too!

Fast forward 2 months, and I write this post.

So.. I can't shake the feeling that I handled this situation very badly and that I should not have smothered her and closed the door on her in the same conversation. That shutting the door on her will make her never want to reach out even if she wanted to. In my sadness I even unfollowed her on social media as fast as I could which also probably had an effect on her. I have this nagging feeling that I need to reach out to her and tell her that the door is still open and that she can talk to me about us anytime if she feels like it, and that I love her so much that I'm ready to let our sex life suffer If that means I can be with her again (shes asexual). But at the same time, I know doing this will smother her even more and push her even further away, BUT I NEED TO LET HER KNOW (because what IF?) I know we had something special because she told me so many times how she loved me and never felt so safe with anyone ever.

Another thing that keeps me hanging on is she still has some of her stuff at my place. She told me she will pick it up sometime in the future with her parents when she drives by my town. (we live 1 hour from each other). Can I use this as an opportunity in some way?

I can't stop obsessing over this situation and I need to know if there is ANYTHING else I can do or If I should just give up completely. I've never loved someone this much and It hurts like a knife knowing I possibly destroyed up my chances of ever getting back together with her due to a stupid conversation on my part.

I'm sorry for ranting so much, I just needed to get it out to some people who can give me advice since I have no one to talk to about this. I can provide more information if needed.

I wanted to add that I feel that maybe she wants to reach out but thinks that I have moved on because I seem happy on social media but I'm actually not.. so much confusion right now..

Thanks.

 

[Bolletje]

I know you feel confused and hurt, but the same advice still stands: let it go. Do not initiate conversation with her. Do not look for signs of hope. This relationship is over, and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can get on with your life.

 

[Kalinychta]

Let it go. She made it completely clear in her messages that she doesn’t want a relationship with you. Completely clear. Also, if she is asexual, you should definitely move on. You were having sex with someone who didn’t want to have sex with you. If sex is important to you, you need to find a partner who isn’t asexual.

 

[Suzanne]

As hard as it is for you, she has been very clear to you and it is you, who is making it unclear, because you are denying the truth of what she says.

You say she is asexual? In her mind the thought of a relationship with you, is scary, because even though you say that you do not mind not having sex, you may change your mind, since you love her so much, it is natural that you would want to be intimate with her.

I fell deeply in love when I was about 18 and although it took some years, I got over him and that was confirmed, when 30 year's later, he gets in touch and I felt nothing. So, yes, it is going to be a nightmare to you, but you can get over her, especially if it is one sided. Obviously, not knowing her one cannot say whether she does or doesn't love you, but she has made it clear to you where she stands and you have to accept that in order for you to move on.

She felt bad, which is why she agreed to meet up, when she got to thinking about it, she realised that wasg giving you false hope and why she chose to not meet up with you.

 

[Mia]

There's literally nothing that you can do about the end of this. Together the both of you seemed somewhat incompatible, I'm sorry to say. No matter what the difficulties were, and how it all transpired, most people do second guess themselves. If I had done this, or If I had said this, or not written this.

At this point torturing yourself with recriminations won't make it better. It's normal to be sad about the breakup of a relationship. Early on we go through experiences that help us to figure out what we truly want in one. It seems that this is an example of it. That we learn from, and decide upon. In time you'll come to that conclusion.

 

[Stardust Parade]

There’s nothing to sort out. She made it crystal clear she doesn’t want to be with you. What about that do you not get? You’re grasping at straws at this point. Move on.

 

[Thinx]

What you wrote sounded good, really clear that you loved her and would like to try again. If she had wanted to, she would have, there was nothing to confuse her in what you said. Sorry this didn't work out. A lot of us have been there. Eventually you will be able to move on. There are plenty of great people out there. Give someone a chance.

 

[_eri_bellehumeur]

I know it's difficult, but it seems like you need to move on. I can guarantee that any issues that existed in the relationship that caused the breakdown of it will still be there, especially if some of those issues were related to her having aspergers and being uncomfortable with intimacy. You can love a person and want the best for them and still understand that your partnership is unhealthy and not in their, or your own best interest.

I didn't read the final message you sent as being something that could be interpreted as negative- it is fair to ask for clarification on their feelings, but she answered your question and said that she stands by her choice for the relationship to be terminated. Your messages didn't seem smothering or anything like that. If she wanted to pursue a relationship, she would have gotten back to you.

I went through an extremely drawn out and painful breakup, and it can take a while to heal from it, but a clean break is absolutely necessary. Sometimes meltdowns are needed, so if that is what is needed for you to expend some of the anxiety then so be it, so long as you're safe about it of course. Don't dwell on it. My philosophy is nothing lasts forever, but that doesn't mean it was insignificant. Take away from your relationship the good things that she taught you and accept that you'll both be okay.

 

[Autistic Yoda]

Long post incoming.

Nothing but high quality advice for you on this thread. If you're a straight male and she's an asexual female, it won't work as a romantic relationship. I learned this the hard way, but you can still spare yourself years of frustration. She might be a worthy friend, but she's not your girlfriend. She's biologically incapable of filling the role. 2% of females are asexual, most of whom don't openly admit this- even to themselves. Only a straight or bi female can possibly satisfy your (completely normal) needs. If she can only perform reluctant favors for you in bed (nothing more), you'll never be satisfied with her.

 

[LunaticCentruroides]

Nope, it was already over before you had this conversation. Also the thing you wrote “I have read abit about how routines work in autism and just want you to know that I have a little more understanding of what might have happened to you.”… Just no… You should’ve read about autism before or while the relationship. All my exes ruined it because of that…

And she's asexual why you are not.. Don't know how old you are, but won't work long term anyway I guess.