Will I be an Outcast Forever? HELP!

[inkfingers]

I am feeling really stuck, relationship wise. I attend a young-adult church group, but even there I feel out of place and awkward. I met one young woman who is just a little older than me, and she wanted to get together. We scheduled a date, but I ended up chickening out. I mean, I just met her!
I really want to be a part of a group of close friends, but I don't have any. I feel like an outcast even amongst my family. My mother is very supportive of me, and my father and my siblings are loving, but it is super obvious I'm just not like them. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. My brothers and my sister think I'm weird, and I know they don't mean any harm and they're just teasing, but it only serves to reinforce my differentness from everyone else.

Even though I want a friend, at the same time I don't want one because I know I'll have to "mask", and that takes a lot out of me. It is so hard to try to be "normal". Is it possible to have a friendship that doesn't require you to mask your autism?

 

[TheFreeCat]

I was an outcast forever. It would have been OK if I had accepted it. But I pushed and wanted to be "normal." That is when the trouble began.

If I could go back, there is only one relationship and one friendship I would retain. The others have all been filled with confusion and guessing what they meant and hurt and pain.

If you are an outcast, that may not be a bad thing at all.

 

[inkfingers]

Thanks, man. That helped.

 

[Graphin]

Is it possible to have a friendship that doesn't require you to mask your autism?

With me maybe?

I found that most people who would kinda accept my weirdness were much more interesting people anyway

 

[Isadoorian]

I feel you; it'll be a year just about since I've moved back to my home town and I've made no friends despite going out and also playing Magic the Gathering Friday Nights at the Game Store here

I've always been a loner/social hermit, keeping to myself. My last 2 years of High School I pretty much had no friends and ate by myself at lunch. I even tried to befriend just about everyone in my Grad Class to no avail all 4 years of it too.

 

[WittyAspie]

Sadly the answer may be yes. Some of us weren't meant to fit in. However, that doesn't mean you can't have friends. It just means you might not have as many of other people and true friends will be harder to find. By the way, if you have to put on your mask around someone, I wouldn't consider them a friend yet. A friend is someone you can be yourself around.

My advice is to go out and do the things you are interested in and try to connect with people who enjoy the same things. Be yourself while doing so, at least as much as possible. Sooner or later you will find the people who don't mind you being you, even if some of them still think you are weird. And hopefully you will also find a few people who like your version of weird because its similar to theirs.

Don't worry about trying to fit in with society in general. That isn't going to happen unless you live in your mask, which you already know is exhausting. Focus instead on finding your tribe and building relationships with those people. It won't happen overnight, but if you put your genuine self out there, the right kind of people will be drawn to you.

By the way, if you ever want to talk about theology, send me a PM. It's kind of my thing. I frequently have the same out-of-place feeling in church. I like my church family, but I often feel disconnected.

 

[Fino]

Aha! I was about to type something then decided to check your age and now AHA!

You're 19!

I didn't have any friends I was comfortable around until I was 23!

And now I have, like, 10!

Holy moly, right!?

Keep goooooinnngggg!

Just a few days ago, a thirteen-year-old student of mine who is always miserable was complaining to me that all his classmates are idiots, and one of the things I said in response was, "Almost everybody is a moron until they're in their 20s. The problem is your special. You're supposed to be unhappy."

You got one more year!

 

[Mycroft.Holmes]

Hi,

Friendships are hard. I have had a lot of luck in the last year in finding them. I do not ''mask'' myself when i am with them. For me relationships are built on Respect, Understanding and trust. They are very different from me tough, It still can be lonely seeing as we function in different ways. To be honest how can you really be friends with someone if you mask yourself if your with them.

I have friends I am still very much a outcast, I do not think that is changing. I dont really care about being a outcast, It allows me to be myself.

If you are looking for friends, try finding them In places where you would normally find yourself. For example, if you like books go to a bookstore of library. Also there are very nice people on this site who have the same issues you have so you might enjoy talking to some of them about your issues. Finding people who understand it is Always a good experience.

Hope you are feeling better soon!

 

[Tom]

I understand the impulse but I would suggest you don't chicken out next time. Friendships are good if they work out and always learning experiences.

 

[Graphin]

point of my last message would be: are people who you need to mask with friends?

 

[SunnyDay16]

There isn't anything wrong with not having it all socially "together". With me personally, the more I accepted that I was going to be socially awkward at times due to Asperger's and anxiety, the more at ease I felt. Of course, there's nothing wrong with trying to work on your social skills, but you're going to stumble at times and that's okay!

Some people are naturally charismatic and social experts, but plenty of us aren't. Nothing wrong with that, even if society tries to tell you otherwise. You can try to mask to appear otherwise, but that is exhausting and people tend to see through it anyways. No matter how much you mask, you can't change how your brain is wired. Our brains are wired differently than NTs.

 

[Judge]

point of my last message would be: are people who you need to mask with friends?

IMO you cannot correlate friendship with whether or not one needs to mask themselves. That rather it depends entirely on social circumstances in real-time. Unless of course you are dealing with someone who has a great understanding and acceptance of autistic traits and behaviors apart from knowing you on a more personal basis.

Which unfortunately for most of us will amount to a very small number of people in your orbit. Friend or foe, it won't matter. You simply cannot rely on the premise that someone who is a friend alone will have the ability to understand and accept you as you are.

 

[Nervous Rex]

You are not an outcast here.