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Why would a man use a lot of innuendo?

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Primrose

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I recently got to know a new man at the gym. He's about 40. We never really talk to each other but he usually smiles at me and makes little sexual jokes.
The first one was very witty and I laughed. But since then I feel irritated. His jokes are quite subtle but I still get his meaning.

If he liked me surely he wouldn't talk like that?
 

Neonatal RRT

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I recently got to know a new man at the gym. He's about 40. We never really talk to each other but he usually smiles at me and makes little sexual jokes.
The first one was very witty and I laughed. But since then I feel irritated. His jokes are quite subtle but I still get his meaning.

If he liked me surely he wouldn't talk like that?
One, he's either shy and socially awkward,...using some sexual humor,...and does like you. Two, it's something else I can't put a finger on.

Probably the best way to find out is simply engage him in conversation,...get to know him. If he feels he can relax around you, he may be more direct,...and use less awkward language.
 

Primrose

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
One, he's either shy and socially awkward,...using some sexual humor,...and does like you. Two, it's something else I can't put a finger on.

Probably the best way to find out is simply engage him in conversation,...get to know him. If he feels he can relax around you, he may be more direct,...and use less awkward language.

The thing is he doesn't seem at all shy or awkward. I think he's a very confident guy.

I once tried to have a normal conversation but he seemed uninterested. Yet, he continues with his innuendos.
 

Aspychata

Serenity waves, beachy vibes
V.I.P Member
Some men just live more in their pants then others do. Or they like to put on a show of I have it just incase you thought less of me a, machismo vibe, certain cultures value this in a man.

Some men are just opening the door to see how you respond to naughty remarks, do you take offense, are you possibly looking? Guy logic can be quite a quagmire of unknowns. Like the mystery box the store tries to sell you, contents unknown.

Then he just enjoys his titillating comments and this is his approach to all woman. So you can just brush it off and ignore him.
 

Gerald Wilgus

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I'd go with what @Aspychata observes. A guy being suggestive does that because he has been rewarded for that in the past. He sees you as a one dimensional person.

I have never been able to speak that way to woman, so perhaps there is something wrong with me too.
 

Suzanne

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
It is either because he does like you and feels shy and thus, because you laughed at the first joke, in his head, that means you will love all his jokes.

I was going to say something else, but it seems more likely that you unwittingly encouraged him. He thinks: if she laughed at one inuendo joke, then that gives permission to continue.
 

Judge

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
If he liked me surely he wouldn't talk like that?

One would think so. However the man may be projecting the perception of a threat to his masculinity. What is the threat? In that particular venue, you may be such a threat to him in his own mind.

Your mere existence in such circumstances could represent a kind of emasculation to him personally. Even while you have done nothing wrong. That his perceived "defense" is to express sexually offensive humor to reestablish himself. Again, in his own mind and no other. While humor can be an "ice-breaker" in courtship, it can also be a way to put people down in an attempt to manipulate them. Nothing wrong with one's sense of humor, provided it's not used in such a manipulative fashion.

Personally I can't imagine attempting to break the ice with someone new by speaking to them in such a manner.
However it's still important to understand that not all men generically act in such a way. Though from my own observation over the years, many do. Sad to find an article backing it all up:

 
Last edited:

tree

Blue/Green
Staff member
V.I.P Member
@Primrose

My guess about the man using lots of innuendo around you
is that he enjoys it, the feeling of sexual display and the
way he controls the situation.

If you are very uncomfortable you could try asking him
why he's speaking that way to you. Not in a blaming way.
In a way that makes clear you don't understand his
motive.
 

Primrose

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
@Primrose

My guess about the man using lots of innuendo around you
is that he enjoys it, the feeling of sexual display and the
way he controls the situation.

If you are very uncomfortable you could try asking him
why he's speaking that way to you. Not in a blaming way.
In a way that makes clear you don't understand his
motive.

Yes, I will do this if I get an opportunity. It's really the only way to find out his intentions.
 

Aspychata

Serenity waves, beachy vibes
V.I.P Member
What other facts can I give? I barely know him.

I think he just means we ruminate too much in general. Which is true for some of us. I think if he had intentions, he would have made it clear. It maybe more friendly banter.
I had a gym guy who said hi, he works there. He said something nice, and l joked back. He's too nice to make a rude joke.
 

Orange Glasses

Well-Known Member
Making ‘little sexual jokes’ to a female he does not know is a huge red flag for me. The guy obviously has more brains in his you know what than he does upstairs and little respect for you.

I think he is making his intentions crystal clear and I only see heartache if you decide to have a relationship with him.
 

Hypnalis

Well-Known Member
The acceptable sequence is to initiate a social relationship, than find ways to find out if a romantic one is possible.
Skipping directly to sexual innuendo, as this guy has done, means exactly what you'd expect.

What you do next is up to you. If you want to disengage, there are many techniques, but the easiest/most direct ones might make the gym become an uncomfortable place for you, which is still a fail. So make a plan ...

Assuming you want to disengage:
Must do:
1. Do not react positively to this person's stupid games. No "polite laughter", don't respond, don't continue the conversation(s), increase your average distance a little, no touching of any kind ever, etc.
2. Do not make a big thing about it otherwise, except to execute a plan (see below). Removal of a false positive signal (i.e. (1)) is not the same as providing an actively negative signal (which is likely to induce a reaction).

May do:
Use indirectly negative signals (remember you're here because you don't want to nuke the relationship. Don't bother with this if you don't mind drama). Examples:
(a) Each time he does it, look directly at his eyes for a second or two "too long" with an absolutely neutral expression, then turn away and do something else.
(b) Say "please don't do that" in a neutral tone.
Under no circumstances react to a "what do you mean?" deflection or anything similar. You have no obligation to justify your comment, and you will "lose" any continued discussion because he will lie to your face.
(c) Say "Your comments make me uncomfortable".
Similarly to (b), do not defend or justify your statement.
FWIW, in similar cases I always add in the full "abrasive eye contact" version of (a), but if you don't already know how to do that, this is not a good situation in which to learn it.

Direct approach (nukes):
There are lots of options, but simple is always good ...

Tell him to cut out the innuendo. You're not interested in him and you'd prefer to be left alone.

If he keeps it up anyway, two or three more brief, polite, but very direct requests to be left alone, then you complain formally and forcefully to gym management.

Remember that in most countries all you have to do is tell them he's making you uncomfortable with obviously sexual comments and either he, the gym, or both can be reported to the police.
The gym will almost certainly back down. "We'll talk to him" isn't enough either: you need them to intervene, then come back to you and explain what they did. Afterwards, if they don't explicitly tell you they'll help instantly if it happens again, ask them for their plan if he repeats.
If they try to brush it off (not intervene, no plan for if he continues, etc) you have other choices to make, but FWIW the gym would deserve to be nuked.

In all cases, regardless of what you do, don't make threats of any kind, nor indicate possible future actions.
* Never signal your strike
* If you strike, do not pull your punch :)

Also FWIW apologies are worth nothing IRL. You might get one, but don't have it as an objective.
You want a change of behavior, and you want to train in peace, without looking of your shoulder because there's a known AH in the same location.
 

tree

Blue/Green
Staff member
V.I.P Member
FWIW = for what it's worth
IRL = in real life
AH = I don't know what that one is.
Maybe "ass hole"?

I don't know.
 

Primrose

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
The acceptable sequence is to initiate a social relationship, than find ways to find out if a romantic one is possible.
Skipping directly to sexual innuendo, as this guy has done, means exactly what you'd expect.

What you do next is up to you. If you want to disengage, there are many techniques, but the easiest/most direct ones might make the gym become an uncomfortable place for you, which is still a fail. So make a plan ...

Assuming you want to disengage:
Must do:
1. Do not react positively to this person's stupid games. No "polite laughter", don't respond, don't continue the conversation(s), increase your average distance a little, no touching of any kind ever, etc.
2. Do not make a big thing about it otherwise, except to execute a plan (see below). Removal of a false positive signal (i.e. (1)) is not the same as providing an actively negative signal (which is likely to induce a reaction).

May do:
Use indirectly negative signals (remember you're here because you don't want to nuke the relationship. Don't bother with this if you don't mind drama). Examples:
(a) Each time he does it, look directly at his eyes for a second or two "too long" with an absolutely neutral expression, then turn away and do something else.
(b) Say "please don't do that" in a neutral tone.
Under no circumstances react to a "what do you mean?" deflection or anything similar. You have no obligation to justify your comment, and you will "lose" any continued discussion because he will lie to your face.
(c) Say "Your comments make me uncomfortable".
Similarly to (b), do not defend or justify your statement.
FWIW, in similar cases I always add in the full "abrasive eye contact" version of (a), but if you don't already know how to do that, this is not a good situation in which to learn it.

Direct approach (nukes):
There are lots of options, but simple is always good ...

Tell him to cut out the innuendo. You're not interested in him and you'd prefer to be left alone.

If he keeps it up anyway, two or three more brief, polite, but very direct requests to be left alone, then you complain formally and forcefully to gym management.

Remember that in most countries all you have to do is tell them he's making you uncomfortable with obviously sexual comments and either he, the gym, or both can be reported to the police.
The gym will almost certainly back down. "We'll talk to him" isn't enough either: you need them to intervene, then come back to you and explain what they did. Afterwards, if they don't explicitly tell you they'll help instantly if it happens again, ask them for their plan if he repeats.
If they try to brush it off (not intervene, no plan for if he continues, etc) you have other choices to make, but FWIW the gym would deserve to be nuked.

In all cases, regardless of what you do, don't make threats of any kind, nor indicate possible future actions.
* Never signal your strike
* If you strike, do not pull your punch :)

Also FWIW apologies are worth nothing IRL. You might get one, but don't have it as an objective.
You want a change of behavior, and you want to train in peace, without looking of your shoulder because there's a known AH in the same location.

Thank you. That is helpful. I think it's better to try the direct approach with him first and make it clear I don't like his jokes.
 
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