Why is this happening to me? What is going on? Please help!!

[Julie Gross]

I was wondering if anyone can help me with a few things. I am confused on why people focus on my behavior so closely. I feel they analyze me and what I say. I feel I am being watched. It doesn’t seem fair to me and it is because I am different and they notice or what but I don’t like the feeling. I worked in customer service and it is not just happening with customers. It is also happening with people I talk to.

I don’t think my feelings are matching with my behavior. I have autism. So I was wondering if that is a common thing. I was wondering if other people have the same issue as me.

I feel like talking to people is too hard because all I get from people is “don’t get upset” and I am just trying to get my words out and people are too busy focusing on my actions and not listening to me. I am very frustrated. Sometimes that’s why I don’t talk at all. I don’t see the point. Because people keep getting offended by what I am doing and I am very annoyed by this.

I feel like I can’t do anything without upsetting someone. I don’t even mean to and I am wondering if this is normal.

I am also confused on why someone would say “that is how the world is” in response to me saying that’s why I don’t like talking to people. I initially thought that this person was someone I could talk to about anything and I went into my session with the intention to work on things regarding my emotional behavior and then I was venting and I was expressing my feelings which it is better than holding it in and it got to the point where this person thought I was getting angry when I wasn’t and I was just venting and she seemed to take it to heart and then she said “that is how the world is” after I said this is why I don’t like talking to people because she wouldn’t let me talk and she didn’t understand me.

This is an example of what I am talking about where people are too easily offended by my actions for some reason and I don’t understand why and I didn’t understand her phrase. I wish I could just talk to people without them trying to pick a fight or assume someone is upset when they are trying to deliver a message.

Is there anyone who can help me with this or had this ever happened before with anyone?

 

[Aspychata]

Sorry you feel this way, you can't please all people, you need to live your life and be happy. Don't worry about other people. For 10 people that hate you, there will be one person who thinks you are amazing. Don't sweat the small stuff.

 

[Julie Gross]

I don’t please people so I don’t know why you said this.

Sorry you feel this way, you can't please all people, you need to live your life and be happy. Don't worry about other people. For 10 people that hate you, there will be one person who thinks you are amazing. Don't sweat the small stuff.[

 

[Aspychata]

Sorry Julie, we all try to help here, you decide how you wish to respond. Peace out to you and everything you do.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

You are at the early stages of reaisation and finding things out.

If you stick around you will find a lot of us have felt the things you are feeling.

A long time ago for some of us.

Learning to break things down into small bits is difficult but worthwhile .

It can be overwhelming discovering how different the ways of communicating are.

You are at the start of a hard road,but one that is very worthwhile to walk.

Stick around ,join in, try thinking of one thing at a time.

I think things will get better for you.

 

[Jojo_LB]

Sometimes, you might not be getting an accurate read on people and how they perceive you (well, that is likely the case most of the time for us. We are autistic after all, and "reading" people is definitely not a forte for many of us).

What's important is to make sure you are at your comfort levels. When you're interacting with people, let's just forget about their comfort levels at that moment, because we can't tell whether what we're doing or saying is making them uncomfortable or not, and we just can't ever help that.

If you feel like you can put up with some misunderstandings, then try to adjust their perceptions of you. If they misunderstand you, you can just be totally honest and say, "No you misunderstand me, I am not upset, but ....." Let them know that they need to give you time to process if you feel they are perhaps making you feel a little rushed or you feel flustered because of the efforts of communicating! "I'm not quite finished with what I'm trying to explain, if you'll continue to bear with me...." if they continue to misunderstand you and it is getting you more frustrated, quickly excuse yourself and walk away. Explaining ourselves to others can get very energy depleting. You can just say something like, "Sorry (I'm tired), can't talk about this right now." Or however you want to express to others that you are just not available to speak, or need a break. And take a break! You need it, take it. Doesn't matter who's going to judge you for wanting to take a break, you have to look out for you, and what you need. However they react to you is within their control, not yours, so they're the ones who are going to have to deal with it, just as you have to deal/cope with how others react to you.

I too find it unhelpful when someone says, "This is how the world works." Yeah, obviously, tell me something I don't know. I think it's your therapist's/confidant's job to do more listening, less interjecting or trying to adjust your point of view about something if that is not what you are seeking (I'm not sure if this is what is actually happening, I'm just making some small assumptions based on what you wrote). Does your therapist/confidant know you have autism? If not, consider maybe telling them. If you're not comfortable telling them that, that is totally within your right to withhold that information. But, whether or not your therapist knows this information, they should still not say such unhelpful things. And if it's unhelpful, tell them. Because it is!

I think it's really good for people like us to find therapists who are willing to allow us to lead the conversations, and not get taken aback by whatever emotions may come out during the sessions. I think it's really important for them to make sure that they create a very safe space for all clients, and that if they fall short, they need to understand, learn why their method(s) isn't/aren't working for particular clients, and approach differently. I mean, if they can't do that, I wonder why they are therapists....

Anyway, just some food for thought. If it's any consolation, I have struggled all my life to talk to people too. I've gotten better with it over the years, but I will always struggle a little bit. What's made me better though, is that I put my feelings and comfort levels as top priority. And if I don't feel good in a situation because they're misunderstanding me, if I have a little energy, I will try to make myself clearer to them. And if I'm feeling really bad and don't feel like doing the work, I just excuse myself and walk away. Good luck to you.

 

[Fino]

I don’t please people so I don’t know why you said this.

Is it your goal to please people?

 

[Julie Gross]

Is it your goal to please people?

No, it isn’t my goal to please people. I am asking these questions because I am just trying to understand what’s going on. My goal is to get smarter at the things I struggle with which is in this socializing. I feel that I need to ask questions because I don’t know much about socializing.

 

[Julie Gross]

No, it isn’t my goal to please people. I am asking these questions because I am just trying to understand what’s going on. My goal is to get smarter at the things I struggle with which is in this socializing. I feel that I need to ask questions because I don’t know much about socializing.

But at times I do get frustrated and give up. I am trying not to. I feel like I want to get better.

 

[Fino]

We need one of those nice speeches on ememes.

It sounds like the problems have mostly to do with tone. NTs care a lot about how people say things. "It's not what he said, it's how he said it!"

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

. I am differently abled

We need one of those nice speeches on ememes

A world first - ememes.

Now your job is to get it into Webster's....

Tone is a very good point, a mistake I get used to making.

 

[Aspychata]

Julia, it takes a lot to come here and open up. l work in retail, l upsell alot of products. l agree that tone of voice is super important, more than what you say. Maybe trying relaxing, breath deep, wait a minute before you respond, and try not to analyse social interaction quite as much. Make it a point to go out say Hi to bank teller, store clerk, neighbor, until you start feeling more comfortable. Then maybe you will have a more positive outlook in general about informal social interactions. Good luck.

 

[Gracey]

I’d agree with @Fino,

The way in which we can say certain things, matters.

I’ve been asked to ‘calm down’ before now when it was my intention to be heard.

I didn’t need to calm down, I wasn’t angry,

I was asked an opinion,
It was taking me longer than usual to give it,
I was constantly interrupted and spoken over by one particular person.

I made my voice slightly louder and spoke more firmly, clipped, directly to those who were still waiting to hear my opinion.
(Speaking over the person interrupting)

That person insisted I calm down.
I wasn’t wound up

Another way I could have dealt with that would have been to ask if that person would allow me the courtesy of finishing my answer before adding their comments,

My tone wouldn’t have been as loud or direct.

 

[Fino]

I’d agree with @Fino,

The way in which we can say certain things, matters.

I’ve been asked to ‘calm down’ before now when it was my intention to be heard.

I didn’t need to calm down, I wasn’t angry,

I was asked an opinion,
It was taking me longer than usual to give it,
I was constantly interrupted and spoken over by one particular person.

I made my voice slightly louder and spoke more firmly, clipped, directly to those who were still waiting to hear my opinion.
(Speaking over the person interrupting)

That person insisted I calm down.
I wasn’t wound up

Another way I could have dealt with that would have been to ask if that person would allow me the courtesy of finishing my answer before adding their comments,

My tone wouldn’t have been as loud or direct.

I've had the same problem! I feel nothing and I'm told to calm down.

"But if I calm any further, I'll fall asleep. "

 

[Jojo_LB]

I definitely have a problem with tone too. My tone is pretty even and mostly flat. I don't show any emotion with my tone, no matter what I'm feeling inside (although sometimes I am great at showing anger 'cause I'm reflexively super defensive ). So I sound pretty cold and unfeeling a lot of the time. And I just cannot look at anyone in the eye when I'm talking to them, unless I'm very close to that person.

I realize that sometimes I may seem like an android, but that's really something I can't help. So I just make sure my choice of words is appropriate at least....

 

[Judge]

My observation of the Neurotypical world tells me that form is often prioritized over substance. That in initiating a conversation, how you say something is more important than what you have to say. Don't expect them to even consider that there are those out there with a thought process that is relatively contrary to all of this. In their world, their way of doing just about anything is the only way to do it.

Speaking too loudly, being too enthusiastic or histrionic in tone, being blunt or conversely pedantic using too many words to explain yourself can all contribute to the ire of whatever Neurotypical persons you are speaking too. I know, I've broken all their social rules one time or another.

And if you do this regularly, at some point some people are bound to preemptively be prejudiced towards you regarding anything you have to say, even if you don't violate their precious social protocols. This may be the situation you are describing.

It's when you need to consider being able to step outside of yourself, enough to be able to consider what you are saying, and more importantly how you are saying it. How you appear at the time towards the other person, and to consider their immediate reaction to what you initially say. You might be able to discover patterns in your "delivery" that warrant changing in as much as is possible. That in time you might be able to alter that delivery, enough to be able to have conversations where people won't get instantly upset with you.

And no, it's not necessarily an easy process to examine how you deal with others in real time. You may only be able to make such observations in "bits and pieces" at a time. After all, carrying out a conversation and trying to analyze it at the same time is no easy feat. Another more passive thing you might also consider is to observe others in conversations that don't directly involve you. You can't become what they are, but to some extent you can mask your own traits and behaviors in attempting to imitate them conversationally speaking.

 

[BraidedPony]

I worked in customer service many years. What i did was practice the tone of voice and facial expressions of others that were sucessful at it, ie those that weren't getting yelled at.
I actually enjoyed it at times, especially when i could help resolve an issue and satisfy the customer.
I also did a “reset” between each customer or phone call. I would take a deep breath and relax my face and neck, smile, and have an attitude of helpfulness.
Its a tough job, many can’t do it for very long. Hang in there!

 

[Progster]

We need one of those nice speeches on ememes.

My pleasure to oblige Taken from another thread, but relevant here, too, slightly edited to fit the context.

When people communicate, they don't only communicate by exchanging words, they also communicate emotions. They read other people's emotions, and then send their own emotions back. To do this, they use body language and facial expression and tone of voice, and this comes to them automatically. Often, the actual meaning of the words is overlooked. When emotionally charged words are used often enough, on a daily basis, the actual meaing is lost and what remains is an emotion as a meme, an ememe. "How are you" is an ememe. When an NT hears this, he or she doesn't hear the words, but gets the emotion, it's like a smiley but in the form of words. When an autistic person hears this, then they hear the words and then want to answer the question. For them the question is relevant, but for the NTs, the emotion is relevant. So we have two different, but not in any way defective, ways of communicating, which people then interpret as 'taking things literally' or 'lack of empathy' or 'lack of theory of mind' or rude/anti-social, of just plain weird. When our body language doesn't match our words, it may confuse them, but they will usually respond to the perceived emotion, rather than the actual words.

Now your job is to get it into Webster's....

And the Oxford...

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

My pleasure to oblige Taken from another thread, but relevant here, too, slightly edited to fit the context.

When people communicate, they don't only communicate by exchanging words, they also communicate emotions. They read other people's emotions, and then send their own emotions back. To do this, they use body language and facial expression and tone of voice, and this comes to them automatically. Often, the actual meaning of the words is overlooked. When emotionally charged words are used often enough, on a daily basis, the actual meaing is lost and what remains is an emotion as a meme, an ememe. "How are you" is an ememe. When an NT hears this, he or she doesn't hear the words, but gets the emotion, it's like a smiley but in the form of words. When an autistic person hears this, then they hear the words and then want to answer the question. For them the question is relevant, but for the NTs, the emotion is relevant. So we have two different, but not in any way defective, ways of communicating, which people then interpret as 'taking things literally' or 'lack of empathy' or 'lack of theory of mind' or rude/anti-social, of just plain weird. When our body language doesn't match our words, it may confuse them, but they will usually respond to the perceived emotion, rather than the actual words.

And the Oxford...

are we famous yet?

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

When our body language doesn't match our words, it may confuse them, but they will usually respond to the perceived emotion, rather than the actual words.

This is one of the major things that confuses people.
They need to label us, but they can't read us.
We're not conveying any ememes, so they can get angry,irritated as a result of the confusion.