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why does my mom think i can't be independent

vojo19

New Member
Hello my name is James I'm 19 years old and I have Asperger syndrome I am high-functioning
I'm still in school but I will be graduating shortly with a standard diploma

Despite this my mother insists that I'm not ready for the real world I have no job and I have no mode of transportation Which Forces me to rely on my mother for money and transportation

Despite the fact that I'm more than willing to get a job and actually earn money and buy a bike

I feel like my entire life is Controlled by my mother I feel like I can't do anything without her consent

I have all the responsibilities of a 19 year old without any of the Privileges

love my mother more than anything but I suspect that she thinks that I can't function in the real world just because I have Asperger syndrome

I'm sorry if this is the wrong place or if this came off as to ranty I just needed to get this off my chest
 
Can you get a job nearby so you won't have to ask her for transportation?

Are you eligible for vocational rehab or other kinds of training? Find out.

Are you considered an adult in your country?

Does she have court declared legal guardianship over your finances?
 
I think it's worth pondering that this may be more about a perception of a lack of maturity by your mother than purely a consideration of being on the spectrum of autism. Though for many parents it wouldn't surprise me if it is both.

Sadly though this doesn't benefit you as you age. Hopefully in the very near future you may be on the cusp of your own independence. Perhaps worth having a civil conversation about it with your mother, just to really get a sense of where she may be on the issue.

Perspective. Keep in mind that there are a lot of 19 years olds who really aren't ready for semi or complete independent living. Regardless of neurological concerns. Though in some cases I suppose their are any number of Neurotypical parents who underestimate their children's ability to function as capable adults.

Tell you a little secret. I didn't really sense my own independence until I was 20. ;)

And didn't totally achieve it until I was around 26.
 
What responsibilities of a 19-year-old do you have if you have no job or car?

Is she not letting you get a job? If so, is that possible? My parents have never enforced any rules or opinions or anything of that nature, so that could just be my own confusion over something normal.
 
What responsibilities of a 19-year-old do you have if you have no job or car?

Is she not letting you get a job? If so, is that possible? My parents have never enforced any rules or opinions or anything of that nature, so that could just be my own confusion over something normal.

Sounds like a logical direction to go in ascertaining your ability and potential independence to a parent. At that age I did maintain a part time job in retail.
 
first off I would like to thank everyone who replied to this topic secondly I would like to apologize it seems I have done a poor job of communicating The circumstances surrounding my situation

I repeatedly asked if I could get a part-time job to which my mother always denies claiming that I need to focus on school despite the fact that I only have school on Monday and Friday the rest I have off

in terms of responsibilities I have chores that you would expect ie taking out the garbage doing the dishes cleaning their house that kind of thing in addition to taking care of several animals As well as doing lawn work I have no problem doing these chores however

I have no freedom in regards to where I can go and and what I can do for example I can't go outside I can't go see a movie with friends it took me forever just to convince her that I should have a computer with an internet connection

I live in the United States so I'm considered an adult with all the legal privileges that entails and yet I am treated as if I am a 5 year old And in regards to the idea that I'm immature i understand social etiquette although I have some difficulty with social cues I simply don't understand why she can't treat me like the adult i am
 
I live in the United States so I'm considered an adult with all the legal privileges that entails and yet I am treated as if I am a 5 year old And in regards to the idea that I'm immature i understand social etiquette although I have some difficulty with social cues I simply don't understand why she can't treat me like the adult i am

Being considered an adult by age alone doesn't entitle you to much of anything. It just allows you an option of leaving the nest to forage entirely on your own in an often very brutal and uncaring environment.

If you want to test those privileges, the first thing you must do is to leave your house and your mother and accept the probabilities of a very harsh existence elsewhere. Trust me, you do legally have the option assuming there are no formal legal measures that would lessen your civil rights as an independent adult.

But apart from all the demeaning implications existing under your mother's roof, would you really want to put this to a test? Perhaps under such circumstances the best thing you can do, is to sit down with your mother and have what we call a "Come To Jesus" meeting.

And point out your concerns in a cool and calm manner. That autistic children inevitably grow up into autistic adults. Something that I suspect many Neurotypical parents really don't want to hear, let alone deal with. Where their parents can only look out for them so long, before their children must either do so on their own, or allow the state to do so in whole or in part.

That you would vastly prefer to be the master of your own destiny in the near future. Even writing it all down on paper might help. To "script" a formal presentation for her to hear. Just keep in mind that before you can walk you need to crawl. And such crawling may mean a job, or taking a stab at higher education or to consider going to a vocational school. To do something to show that you are creating momentum to improve yourself. Show to her that you are trying in earnest to work on becoming independent rather than just assuming it based on age alone.

One thing for sure, it's a scary thing for much of any parent to blithely think they can indefinitely take care of their children as adults. Worse if their health fails and like myself, you become a caregiver to your own parent. Seriously, that's an arrangement your parent won't like every bit as the situation you perceive at the present.
 
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Being considered an adult by age alone doesn't entitle you to much of anything. It just allows you an option of leaving the nest to forage entirely on your own in an often very brutal and uncaring environment.

If you want to test those privileges, the first thing you must do is to leave your house and your mother and accept the probabilities of a very harsh existence elsewhere. Trust me, you do legally have the option assuming there are no formal legal measures that would lessen your civil rights as an independent adult.

But apart from all the demeaning implications existing under your mother's roof, would you really want to put this to a test? Perhaps under such circumstances the best thing you can do, is to sit down with your mother and have what we call a "Come To Jesus" meeting.

And point out your concerns in a cool and calm manner. That autistic children inevitably grow up into autistic adults. Something that I suspect many Neurotypical parents really don't want to hear, let alone deal with. Where their parents can only look out for them so long, before their children must either do so on their own, or allow the state to do so in whole or in part.

That you would vastly prefer to be the master of your own destiny in the near future. Even writing it all down on paper might help. To "script" a formal presentation for her to hear. Just keep in mind that before you can walk you need to crawl. And such crawling may mean a job, or taking a stab at higher education or to consider going to a vocational school. To do something to show that you are creating momentum to improve yourself. Show to her that you are trying in earnest to work on becoming independent rather than just assuming it based on age alone.

One thing for sure, it's a scary thing for much of any parent to blithely think they can indefinitely take care of their children as adults. Worse if their health fails and like myself, you become a caregiver to your own parent. Seriously, that's an arrangement your parent won't like every bit as the situation you perceive at the present.

Hi I'm sorry if this was too much of a rant but thank you for your advice I really appreciate it
 
If you can do something you should be able to do it. Hope things work out for you but you have to do what's best for you.
 
Why can't you go outside? Do you mean that she is forbidding you from going outside?

She won't let you go see a movie with your friends? Or she refuses to drive you there?

If you are,still in school, someone should have started working with you on applying for Voc Rehab services, like transitional from school to work.
Does she expect to keep you home forever?

Can you get little jobs around your neighborhood mowing lawns or walking dogs?

Why didn't she want you to have the internet?

If it is that she will not let you go outside on your own, then maybe you should contact Adult Protective Services.

So is that you are only allowed out to go to school?

I am missing something here in terms of my own understanding. At any rate, I am sorry for what you are going through and others here seem to be able to help.

I do believe in you.
 
Why can't you go outside? Do you mean that she is forbidding you from going outside?

She won't let you go see a movie with your friends? Or she refuses to drive you there?

If you are,still in school, someone should have started working with you on applying for Voc Rehab services, like transitional from school to work.
Does she expect to keep you home forever?

Can you get little jobs around your neighborhood mowing lawns or walking dogs?

Why didn't she want you to have the internet?

If it is that she will not let you go outside on your own, then maybe you should contact Adult Protective Services.

So is that you are only allowed out to go to school?

I am missing something here in terms of my own understanding. At any rate, I am sorry for what you are going through and others here seem to be able to help.

I do believe in you.

I'm allowed to go outside only when she says otherwise I'm not allowed to.

She won't let me go Even though I know there's some of my best friends she says it's too dangerous for me to go.

I'm currently working with someone from school to get me into Voc Rehab so hopefully that will help

Mother expects that I'll stay with her Until ‘I'm ready for the real world” read never.
I tried to get jobs around the neighborhood but when mom finds out she demands that I quit saying that I should focus on my school and then she confiscates the money that I earned.


She says I shouldn't be online because it will be a bad influence or that people will take advantage of me or something like that.
I hope it doesn't have to come to that but I'm honestly too scared to contact them too much uncertainty besides I hope I can work with Mom and sort out our problems.



Thank you for believing me not many people do
 
Not sure what the situation is in the US, but from personal experience here in Sheffield, England, you have AS, and if you're applying for jobs after you leave school, DON'T declare it on the application form, or any other disability you may have for that matter, you won't even get an interview if so, not even if they do the American equivalent of the "2 ticks" thing, which is allegedly positive about disability issues.
 
I think you should contact Adult Protective Services in your county and maybe look for alternative living arrangements for when you graduate high school.

By all means, go through the Voc Rehab process but do not expect that they will fix your life for you.

Maybe talk with a guidance counselor or someone at school about your current living situation.

Group homes are not the greatest places to live but maybe that is a better option for when you get out of school than staying with your mom. They do teach you the skills you need to live on your own and there are also supportive apartment programs.

If you are going to get disability payments and work part-time to start after graduation, you may be eligible for subsidized housing.

The internet has free courses available at Khan Academy and other open course places. Check out what is availble and see if you can pick up a new skill or even a new language.

Hang in there!
 

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