Why do others tell me to go to bars so much?

[Markness]

When I mention my struggles in finding friends and potential girlfriends, I am often told to just go to bars. It’s almost like they are telling me friends and girlfriends are just things I can get just like they are items at a store or meals at a restaurant. However, when I have been at bars, I’ve never made friends nor have I gotten a relationship with a woman at them and I would just go home feeling more tired and depressed than I was earlier.

I honestly don’t understand how people can make friends or get relationships at bars. The ones I’ve been to are loud, smoky, hot, and people generally have company with them. They aren’t interested in making new friends and the women usually have their ‘girlfriends’ or boyfriends if they are in a heterosexual relationship already with them. Even women who are going solo don’t approach me even if they have ‘liquid courage’ in their systems.

It’s true that I don’t smoke at all and don’t drink alcohol regularly but even when I just got a soda or a light alcoholic drink, it never changed anything. It didn’t make me one with the party, act like a “social lubricant”, and give me the supposed “masculine glow”. The alcohol would instead make me burp a lot or even feel achey in my stomach. I’ve never paid a woman for her drink nor offered because I don’t think anyone is entitled to free things but a part of me wonders if maybe I should’ve tried? I’ve always been too nervous to do so because I am scared of being told “No thanks.” and I’ve read stories of men being used as free drink dispensers getting nothing in return.

I was often told growing up that smoking, drinking, and getting tattoos were “bad” and if I avoided those things, I would do good in life and be rewarded by the Abrahamic god. But those things were still commonplace around me so it confused me. It also baffles me how so many seem to get what they want when they go to a bar socially while it never works out for me.

 

[BrokenBoy]

It's bad luck.

 

[VictorR]

Are these people you're talking to barkeepers by any chance?

 

[Fino]

Being against the idea of buying things for people will not work well in any relationship, but I understand your hesitance to do so in a bar.

 

[unperson]

I never met anybody in bars, I don't have what it takes to find someone in that situation.

 

[The Pandector]

I hear that, @unperson. For me, the whole bar scene is like tv commercials; the reason they don't work for me is because they aren't designed for people like me. In the weirdly lit, noisy, stuffy, etc. lounge, I am at my very worst; uptight, physically uncomfortable, definitely not outgoing and friendly. I personally would have no problem at all with responding to friends' suggestions with a confident, 'That doesn't work for me.' I know it works for those it works for, but not for me. From my view... not at all a loss.

 

[Raggamuffin]

If you don't like bars, and you go to them to meet people - you're more likely to meet those who enjoy a past time that you don't.

A lot seem to rely on alcohol as some form of social lubricant. I personally never enjoyed drinking around others, even when I was abusing alcohol for many years.

Drunk people are annoying - myself included. They're often loud, unpredictable and have an ill-deserved sense of confidence at the time.

Ed

 

[Thinx]

It's generally not how neurodiverse people meet partners. The problem is that those who are saying this are probably neurotypical, and do things differently because their brains and social communication work differently. Find out what neurodiverse people do. From what I read on blogs or in memoirs and articles, they meet at work or pursuing an interest, volunteering etc, those are the only ways I ever met people as friends or partners.

We generally need to spend time with them regularly and get to know them before we can take action. Even then how on earth to do so always puzzled me, hence usually they made it clear they were interested in me after a long time of friendly interactions had passed. One time I wrote someone a note. It worked.

 

[SusanLR]

It's generally not how neurodiverse people meet partners. The problem is that those who are saying this are probably neurotypical, and do things differently because their brains and social communication work differently. Find out what neurodiverse people do. From what I read on blogs or in memoirs and articles, they meet at work or pursuing an interest, volunteering etc, those are the only ways I ever met people as friends or partners.

We generally need to spend time with them regularly and get to know them before we can take action. Even then how on earth to do so always puzzled me, hence usually they made it clear they were interested in me after a long time of friendly interactions had passed. One time I wrote someone a note. It worked.

I totally agree and this is how it always went with me also.
I just met people at random where I worked or was around them in some manner for a long period of
time so I could get to know them.
Never was the jump in and go type.

Sometimes I would have an interest, but, just didn't know what to do or say to get it going.
Most times they had to make the first move of interest only to be surprised I was interested too.

 

[Sherlock77]

As far as bars and pubs... The only time I go (pre-Covid) is either for a specific music performance, or with a friend if we're getting together...

For myself I don't drink at all, so for me it's pointless going to a bar on my own just to hang out... There are plenty of places to meet people other than bars...

 

[Trophonius]

I don't like bars, and find it unlikely I'll find someone I can get along with at one. People I like, more often than not, hate bars and other places where socialization is the whole and only purpose.

 

[Judge]

I see bars as little more than a cliche, socially speaking. But then I view the institution of dating much in the same way.

I just don't see anything so contrived as having a high success rate when it comes to establishing a meaningful relationship with much of anyone.

The only time I've gone to a bar was to enjoy a drink with someone I already knew.

Meeting someone for the first time while either you or they are inebriated...not likely to make the best first impression.

 

[OkRad]

Bars suck. Ask them why they don't go to libraries or science labs.

 

[Metalhead]

I am at a bar right now, enjoying my own company. There are many benefits to being single, after all. The key is learning how to be comfortable in your own skin. Which is something that most neurotypical people also have trouble with.

 

[Sherlock77]

I am at a bar right now, enjoying my own company. There are many benefits to being single, after all. The key is learning how to be comfortable in your own skin. Which is something that most neurotypical people also have trouble with.

You're more likely to find me at a local coffee shop than a bar , same concept otherwise...

 

[Judge]

You're more likely to find me at a local coffee shop than a bar , same concept otherwise...

A very different proposition. Though I admire you for being able to do so. Going solo to a public restaurant has always been something I just could never push myself into doing. Even with a clear intent of enjoying only my own company. For some reason I could never shake that sense of self-consciousness sitting at a table by myself.

 

[Sherlock77]

A very different proposition. Though I admire you for being able to do so. Going solo to a public restaurant has always been something I just could never push myself into doing. Even with a clear intent of enjoying only my own company. For some reason I could never shake that sense of self-consciousness sitting at a table by myself.

In coffee shops I see lots of people sitting solo, when I'm at a restaurant on my own I'm less likely to see people sitting on their own, but I don't let that bother me...

Nothing is more lonely than sitting by yourself in a completely empty bar in a small town... The bartender, myself, a basic pub grub menu for lunch... Been there done that, and survived...

 

[MyLifeAsAnAspie]

I agree that using bars to meet people is bad advice for us in particular and not great for anyone. Unless of course your looking for a alcoholic loser. My advice is to keep trying different things that interest you, even if only slightly.

 

[Metalhead]

In coffee shops I see lots of people sitting solo, when I'm at a restaurant on my own I'm less likely to see people sitting on their own, but I don't let that bother me...

Nothing is more lonely than sitting by yourself in a completely empty bar in a small town... The bartender, myself, a basic pub grub menu for lunch... Been there done that, and survived...

Well, I actually enjoyed being in the bar today with social distancing in place. I just sipped my Manhattan and watched ESPN on the screen since I had about 50 minutes to kill before my bus home left downtown. It actually was close to max capacity with the social distancing rules in place today. I guess I am not the only one who missed getting a drink at a bar.

 

[Au Naturel]

It is simple. Everyone is different.

Most people also assume that what works for them ought to work for everyone else. If two people are similar, that might be true and if they are different that's likely false.

A person who enjoys going to bars will tend to be surrounded by people who enjoy going to bars. The assumption that "going to bars = good for you" gets reinforced a lot. The times it isn't will get discounted. The same thing happens with social and political bubbles. In science, it is called sampling bias.

Accepting the true meaning of diversity in humans doesn't come easily.