Why am I angry at my past?

[Shaun-Junior Bishop]

Hi, I've recently come to terms and some sort of acceptance of myself having autism but over the last 3 years since I found out and started to learn and understand myself I've started to become angry with how I was treated as a child. Dont be mistaken, I wasn't abused or anything but there was so much stuff I did and said that is explained by my autism. I have so many memories of people forcing me to look them in the eyes when speaking to them, getting shouted at because I "wasn't" listening because of the auditory processing issues and I was always so frustrated and angry at everything and all I had was that I was a naughty kid. I understand that no one knew I had the condition but I'm having compulsive thoughts all the time about my childhood and just how upset I am. I want to understand that it wasn't their fault at the time but I just don't understand. Could someone help and maybe give advice to how I can overcome this feeling please

 

[Mr Allen]

It must be an Aspie thing, I tend to dwell on the past as well

But like Timon said on the Lion King, "you gotta put your past behind you".

 

[UberScout]

I'm livid at the past I had because it was forced upon me. I went through many of the things you just described, except my case was worse.

My aunt held me there at that forested area she and my uncle lived in for three years. That's where the real abuse happened. It would start every day at their house and it would carry over into school, where I was bullied and wrongfully disciplined where it wasn't necessary. I got no reprieve from anything. I actually contemplated killing myself at one point, and actually tried to do it, it was that bad. Why? Because there was no escape from it. I couldn't go a single minute without someone straddling me doing chores, getting on my case for minor issues, and all around just everything piling up on me.

That's why I dropped a bombshell on them by sneaking a text message to my mother to come get me. Sure, I'm growing up without lots of things I actually need, but I wasn't about to let Dallas, North Carolina control my life.

Living your life ruled by another human being is no way to live. If you don't have control over your life, you don't have control over yourself. You don't follow your dreams like they tell you they want. You just follow their orders like the good little slave you are. But then you have to decide at one point, when the chance finally arrives, that one, single opportunity to run from it all, to yank the chains off and spit in your master's face.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T HAVE A MASTER ANYMORE...

 

[Pats]

Hi Shaun. I went through a stage of anger after my diagnosis - mostly anger at why didn't anyone do anything to help me. Maybe it's typical to go through a grieving process of some sort.

 

[Mia]

I have so many memories of people forcing me to look them in the eyes when speaking to them, getting shouted at because I "wasn't" listening because of the auditory processing issues and I was always so frustrated and angry at everything and all I had was that I was a naughty kid. I understand that no one knew I had the condition but I'm having compulsive thoughts all the time about my childhood and just how upset I am. I want to understand that it wasn't their fault at the time but I just don't understand.

Used to think I was a bad child, because it was what I was told over and over in childhood. I was a difficult child for my parents to understand. And very often parents want to help their children fit in, and be like everyone else so they have friends and go to school and do all the things were supposed to.

Like you I've been through a period where I looked back, to attempt to understand why it was the way it was in the past. Yet many of those recollections have actually helped me to understand myself. In doing that I achieved a truce with the past. A way of looking at things differently. No longer look to ascribe blame to others because I'm unable to change the things that have happened.

What reconsidering the past has done, is to help me think differently. In that others views of who I was were somewhat wrong. At a point in my life, I realized I had done nothing to be labelled 'bad.' Bad was an erroneous characterization, that was given when I didn't do things that other people wanted. It was more about forcing their will upon me, and my denying them complete control. More about a fledgling independence that I had to fight for. It may be that eventually Shaun, you will discover that outlook or something similar, and it will help you. Think it's something that many people go through in reconsidering the past in a mature way.

 

[SunnyDay16]

Anger is a normal emotion that can arise when you aren't being treated right or fairly. From what you've described, it wasn't right that you were treated that way. Even if the people who did that to you didn't really know any better, you still are allowed to feel angry about it as long as you are able to deal with that anger in a constructive, positive manner.

Therapy can help with this, as you can identify these thoughts and triggers while learning how to cope with them.

 

[Judge]

Oh yeah. Angry most of all that more often than not, in hindsight there's nothing left to be done.

That even if or when we figure out the wrongs of our past, there's no effective way to "right" them.

Yet at the same time, it's so damn hard not to constantly dwell on them.

Where this can pose a vicious cycle to many of us.

 

[Shamar]

Hi, I've recently come to terms and some sort of acceptance of myself having autism but over the last 3 years since I found out and started to learn and understand myself I've started to become angry with how I was treated as a child. Dont be mistaken, I wasn't abused or anything but there was so much stuff I did and said that is explained by my autism. I have so many memories of people forcing me to look them in the eyes when speaking to them, getting shouted at because I "wasn't" listening because of the auditory processing issues and I was always so frustrated and angry at everything and all I had was that I was a naughty kid. I understand that no one knew I had the condition but I'm having compulsive thoughts all the time about my childhood and just how upset I am. I want to understand that it wasn't their fault at the time but I just don't understand. Could someone help and maybe give advice to how I can overcome this feeling please

What Pats said. She took the words right out of my mouth (keyboard? fingers?).

 

[Fino]

I had the same problem and it still comes up randomly and I have to snap myself out of it. I was yelled at and/or insulted for any autistic behavior and learned to be silent and mostly still.

Experience the anger freely, then let it go, forgiving them for their ignorance.

 

[Peter Morrison]

Everyone is giving you good advice. The objective is to be clear about your feelings, rationalize them from the context, then get on with corrective action. At your age, you should pay close attention to your strengths and apply them into your life. We all had negative experiences growing up, some being totally horrible, and you are angry because you now understand that you were bullied and mistreated for being your normal Autistic self. Join the club. You can't undo the past, but you can avoid repeating it. It's good to grieve, but give yourself a time limit for mourning. For all of us with ASD, life presents serious challenges. Don't let victimization have any place in your efforts to move forward. For me, the key is forgiveness. What happened was real, but I refuse to carry any pain or anger with me. Don't get sidetracked by past mistakes - your own or others'.

It's normal to obsess over certain thoughts or topics. It's something ASD people do best. Change the channel to something positive - a goal, a skill, a void to fill. Get a focus, get a plan. Be real with yourself about yourself. Sweep away the junk and you might just find a great person with abilities and a personality worthy of respect. Start there. That is your true reality.

 

[Oldlady]

I think being angry about my past is a waste of my precious time and energy. If I blame my parents for the way they treated me, then what about their parents? And what about their parents parents? And so on. Where does the buck stop? And how useful is it to me to blame others. The only person I can control is me ... somewhat.

What happened happened. There's nothing you could have done to change it and there's nothing you can do to change it now. It isn't 'real' anymore. All we have is right now. Sure the past can help explain the present, but it isn't helpful to attach a lot of emotion to it. I watch my pets and how they treat the past. They are definitely shaped by it ... no question, but they don't bother with blaming. They just get on with their lives.

 

[Shamar]

I think being angry about my past is a waste of my precious time and energy. If I blame my parents for the way they treated me, then what about their parents? And what about their parents parents? And so on. Where does the buck stop? And how useful is it to me to blame others. The only person I can control is me ... somewhat.

What happened happened. There's nothing you could have done to change it and there's nothing you can do to change it now. It isn't 'real' anymore. All we have is right now. Sure the past can help explain the present, but it isn't helpful to attach a lot of emotion to it. I watch my pets and how they treat the past. They are definitely shaped by it ... no question, but they don't bother with blaming. They just get on with their lives.

I was diagnosed later than you, so I had more to be angry about. It took me a few years to get over it. There were really two aspects. First was coming to terms with the diagnosis. This was fairly easy. Once I learned about autism, it explained so much of my life, I accepted it fairly easily. The other part was not so easy. This was coming to terms with what not being diagnosed earlier did to my life. Had I known and gotten treatment earlier, I could have accomplished so much more. I had put so much effort into trying to become "normal" and trying to understand why I was different that I missed out on a so much. This is where the anger is. Nobody noticed that I had a problem; parents, teachers, psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, therapists. Nobody picked up on the signs that to me, in retrospect, were obvious. There is still some residual anger, and probably always will be, but at least the bitterness is gone.

 

[Oldlady]

I was diagnosed later than you, so I had more to be angry about. It took me a few years to get over it. There were really two aspects. First was coming to terms with the diagnosis. This was fairly easy. Once I learned about autism, it explained so much of my life, I accepted it fairly easily. The other part was not so easy. This was coming to terms with what not being diagnosed earlier did to my life. Had I known and gotten treatment earlier, I could have accomplished so much more. I had put so much effort into trying to become "normal" and trying to understand why I was different that I missed out on a so much. This is where the anger is. Nobody noticed that I had a problem; parents, teachers, psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, therapists. Nobody picked up on the signs that to me, in retrospect, were obvious. There is still some residual anger, and probably always will be, but at least the bitterness is gone.

I understand what you are saying. For me, as I see it ... it was what it was. Here's the analogy I like to think about ... I was given a hand of cards to play. Maybe the dealer was dealing off the bottom of the deck. Maybe I should have bid lower or higher. Maybe I should have picked up the kitty. Maybe everyone around me should have given me better tips on how to play. But, ultimately I must take that hand and play it to the best of my ability with whatever is available to me at the time.

 

[Book Reader]

I still remember my principal saying to my mother don't waste your time on college he will never amount to anything? I remember her name to this day. Fortunately my mother did not listen. Today I am a CPA.