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White Picket Fence Syndrome?

Gomendosi

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Occasionally I have thoughts that I figure I should let you in on, this is one of them:

I think I may have coined a new phrase, White Picket Fence Syndrome.
This is the outdated notion of the old fashioned settle down with wife and 2 kids in a lovely house in the suburbs.
It is most likely outdated because priorities and standards have changed or, is it only my perception of these things that has changed?

Who here still (in vein mostly I?m sure) wants to find someone to settle down with and raise a family together until death do you part like in the pictures.

Am I simply being far too romantic for my own good, have any of you even gotten close to this supposed ideal I was brought up with or is your life actually what would be considered typical of today?s lifestyle.
 
The thing you adress, is a thing I've had many discussion about in past relationships, and was among reasons why they ended.

In holland they have an expression for this called "huisje, boompje, beestje" which comes down to "house, tree, animal" (and the suffix "(p)je" actually means little, but it's not that relevant in translating it, but I thought I'd mention it).

It basically comes down to the ideal that people want to settle down, eventually own a house and have kids. So it's not really literal, but with that comes the origin from when it was still farms... at least that's what my deductive reasoning on etymology can come up with.

But for a lot of people this ideal still applies, people at some point don't want that wild of lifestyle anymore, people want to get settled and have more security. Rather than getting drunk and sleeping around they want to get married, and they want to go on holidays like "normal" people do. It's where there's a clash between the outrageous and insecure lifestyle of being you goes head on with secure lifestyle and getting old come together.

The idea of me being like that has crossed my mind, but I don't like it. I've had plans to at least try to live with my then girlfriend. I had a job back then, and she was done with university, so she was looking for a job. That came down to me having a job, and her not, and at some point the other way around. Saving money as I go, then unemployment comes along and savings go out of the window again. Due to bad chances for employment I went back to university again, and by the time I made up those plans the relationship was over anyway. But yeah, I had minor plans to at least look for a house at some point, because I didn't have the stress of looking for a job for a while and after 8+ years, moving in together might be an idea.

Fast forwarding to now, I changed a bit, as I felt that with my then girlfriend, she forced a bit of an "ideal" upon me, so now I'd be rather content in living on my own with no other people and living off whatever income I might have just for the sake of pursuiing personal dreams and goals, even if that at some point will be my downfall. I'd be content enough to have a LAT-relationship (but I don't know if that's a global term, though wiki has an english entry on it), but just for the sake, I might close in on the distance a bit compared to what I've got going on cause 100 miles long distance is sustainable for the moment, but not in the long run I think. Also; I don't like the idea of marriage, nor do I intend to have kids. So the white picket fence ideal doesn't really apply to me... and I did get some crap over not wanting to be like that, even for the sake of looking for jobs, because they even put that up for interviews I've seen. Want kids? Are you married? Stuff like that, and since that information is "public" to employers from job centers, it's not really possible to lie over it.
 
Calling it a syndrome doesn't do it justice. It's should be "white picket fence disease" since it is contagious. Society has certain ideals created by the either the majority or the powerful; in this case, it is the middle class. Those ideals are then drilled into our heads by either society, culture, or the way we are brought up (or all of the mentioned). I don't remember where, but I read somewhere that the suicide rate in developed first world country is higher than that of less developed countries. The researchers' explanation was that seeing other people being much more fortunate and happier than you makes you depressed. Also, when you are struggling to make ends meet or struggling for food, there are many (stressful) things you don't think about.

To get back on point, this "white picket fence syndrome" seems to be something perpetuated by those conventional types who do not question the status quo. I wouldn't let it get to me. Being single and with few obligations (though much more than a kid still...) is great.

Of course, "white picket fence syndrome" could be biological; since from a evolutionary perspective, it makes sense that we would want to propagate our seeds and help them prosper...
 
I think that if you take apart the myth of a white picket fence life, you see that some of it is just window dressing. Most people would like to find a life partner, for instance. Would you reject a likely candidate because that person doesn't entirely fit into the mold? Or would you seek someone who fits the white picket fence mold but is, perhaps, not the best fit for you personally? There are people who pursue either option, and who is to say which is happier? For what it is worth, we all know or know of people who appear to have a white picket fence life who are miserable, or champion assholes.

I am just saying that there may be much to admire about the white picket fence life, but it doesn't have to be an either/or proposition. Your life may bring you two out of three elements (say, a wife and two kids but in a condo instead of suburbia, or a wife and no kids but an awesome dog and live in the country, or an excellent friend or two with kids and you all find a way to be family for each other, etc.). At the risk of sounding New Age-y, I believe that if you are at least a little bit open to what the universe brings you, and don't try to fit it into a formula, then you stand a chance of finding some happiness, often where you least expect it. It would be a shame to pass it by because it didn't have a white picket fence.
 
Bay, if I may, I feel I could have been taken wrong on this one and I probably should clarify, I suggested the notion of the whole idea behind the white picket fence scenario is outdated because in today?s society the norm is the unusual, and when I asked if anyone wanted to settle down and raise a family I actually felt I was being generally inclusive in that sentence. I went on to mention it was a supposed ideal that I had been brought up with, not that it was ever my ideal.
I am probably the most open minded guy you?ll ever (not) meet in real life and I would never let any opportunity pass me by if it meant being happy, I mean my uncle fell in love with a man on his wedding day and they spent many a long year together happily, maybe that might be how my life turns out too, another man who was a friend of the family left his wife and moved in with us 26 or so years ago because he fell in love with my mother, she and he never where together and he never had anyone else since his wife, well something like that could end up being my fate as well. I don?t know, but I don?t discount the possibility.

I haven?t and nor will I ever, not look at the pros and cons of any given situation, I even entertained the idea of an Indian bride when the idea was put to me in earnest by a friend.

I just felt that in this particular case this ?white picket fence? scenario is universally understood as being a representative of ?the ideal?, after all, Hollywood cant be wrong.

In closing, two last things, if I have misconstrued the tone of your post, please excuse me, I prefer to be understood if I can but I am also good at misunderstanding, and lastly, white picket fence or no, kids, dogs, horses or plants, two story, bungalow or trailer, however it works out is irrelevant just so long as you hold on to it when you find it ; ]
 
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I see a wife, kids, and a house as the perfect middle age situation. Not a house in the subarbs though, either my small hometown or out in the country. I wasn't brainswashed or persuaded into wanting that by the popular opinion or media. It's just something that I know I want. Part of it is obviously a fairly common human instinct (mating, reproducing) and the part about a nice living condition is purely for financial comfort and social status.

Wife, children, house. Hmmm. I would happily trade on of those for a private pond filled with largemouth bass or catfish :lol:
 
Bay, if I may, I feel I could have been taken wrong on this one and I probably should clarify, I suggested the notion of the whole idea behind the white picket fence scenario is outdated because in today’s society the norm is the unusual, and when I asked if anyone wanted to settle down and raise a family I actually felt I was being generally inclusive in that sentence. I went on to mention it was a supposed ideal that I had been brought up with, not that it was ever my ideal.
I am probably the most open minded guy you’ll ever (not) meet in real life and I would never let any opportunity pass me by if it meant being happy, I mean my uncle fell in love with a man on his wedding day and they spent many a long year together happily, maybe that might be how my life turns out too, another man who was a friend of the family left his wife and moved in with us 26 or so years ago because he fell in love with my mother, she and he never where together and he never had anyone else since his wife, well something like that could end up being my fate as well. I don’t know, but I don’t discount the possibility.

I haven’t and nor will I ever, not look at the pros and cons of any given situation, I even entertained the idea of an Indian bride when the idea was put to me in earnest by a friend.

I just felt that in this particular case this ‘white picket fence’ scenario is universally understood as being a representative of ‘the ideal’, after all, Hollywood cant be wrong.

In closing, two last things, if I have misconstrued the tone of your post, please excuse me, I prefer to be understood if I can but I am also good at misunderstanding, and lastly, white picket fence or no, kids, dogs, horses or plants, two story, bungalow or trailer, however it works out is irrelevant just so long as you hold on to it when you find it ; ]

Sorry Gomendosi. I'm not sure how I came off but I certainly didnt mean to lecture. In fact, the word"you" in my post probably should have read "one" but I am reluctant to use that in posts because it sounds so formal and stilted. I am not talking about you specifically. I only meant "you" in the most general sense.

However, I do think that people (but not you, Gomendosi) often paint for themselves a mythology to live up to without considering that myths aren't real.
 
No need to be sorry Bay, I have that same problem with me using "you" to indicate everybody but then assuming it is me when somebody else uses it the same way.

It’s great here that we can misunderstand something and ask about it without hurting feelings (I hope at least); I haven’t had that in real life much.
You’re not wrong about the proverbial 'White Knight on his trusty steed' thinking, it is a shame that childhood is mainly for being put into a frame of mind that adolescence teaches us we can’t achieve, life is just not like that anymore, and most people have a hard time opening their mind to possibilities they haven’t been shown an example of.
 
I always knew from a young age that I wanted to get married, have kids and move as far away from the city I grew up in as possible. There was never any solid specifics though and had I not moved out of the city I would have been happy but probably not as happy as I am now (the city I grew up in is not a nice place to live/ raise kids).

I think Bay said it better then I ever could but just want to say that you (as in everyone nobody personally) should grab happiness wherever you can find it and not try to live up to any of societies expectations.
 
I like the idea of a family. I love to care for kids, and it would be awesome if someday those kids were biologically mine, so I didn't have to eventually say goodbye to them.
But, all things considered, I will probably remain single. I am happy as a single person, although I think spending your life with someone and bringing other new people into existence (kids) is an awesome thing.
 
Thats all I have ever wanted. I love kids and even if they are like me, I just want to feel normal for once. For a long time I was ok being single because I had friends that I knew cared for me. As they started to find people I felt more alone than I had in years. I had a thing for this girl, but she liked someone else, eventually we got together We dated for 2.5 years, she was emotionally abusive, and I discovered she cheated on me for the last 8 months. I had known she was sexting someone but she told me I just didnt trust her. The whole time I put up with all of it because I just wanted so badly for it to work to have children of my own. Now shes still with her 18 year old fwb, and Iam left bitter. I still want that but Iam not sure I can trust enough for awhile after that experience
 
Ever since I was 18 I had the feeling of finding that special some one to settle down with and if it happens have a family.
 
I think a lot of people nowadays would secretly like the idea, but are too cynical to believe in marriage actually being happy and working out.
 
This is the outdated notion of the old fashioned settle down with wife and 2 kids in a lovely house in the suburbs.
It is most likely outdated because priorities and standards have changed or, is it only my perception of these things that has changed?

IMO postwar middle-class economic and material expectations for most everyone are as "gone with the wind" as the Old South and have been since the 1970s.
 
Sorry I'm old school. Yes I admit that I want the picket white fence, house, kids, husband, animals and family BUT not in suburbia more like in the country with lots of land. I would also loved to have a good husband that is supportive and doesn't put demands on me. I know this is sooooo old fashion and so unattainable but like I said earlier I'm old school. Personally I don't like the way the world is heading. I still want to be treated like a lady which I find is looked down upon today in the modern world.
 
I'm not sure why, but for some reason, this ideal has never warmed to me.

It's not that I have anything against the idea, or because of anything that had happened in my past, that has specifically put me off the idea. More like I've always had my own agenda, and this just isn't it. I've always felt I was meant to accomplish certain things in this life, and for the most part, I've been fixated on trying my very best to stay the course.

Everytime I've gotten with a guy, they eventually talk about having kids one day, and do this odd thing, where they begin to "plan out my life". I can't say I like it; which is odd, as it's what most women seem to want. I've always thought it odd that they would assume I had already decided on this dream too. No one ever asks; it's always presumed. I don't know if that makes me seem selfish, or weird, but I feel I've been on this journey for too long to give up on it now, and I've never lied about my feelings on the matter.

I have had a lot of people ask me when I would 'settle down', get married, and have a family; especially my mother (who keeps trying to find me potential partners). I have nothing against the idea of family; quite the opposite; I love the idea of family. I think I'd actually be good at raising kids, but there are two deterants working against me. Firstly, it was never the dream, just a dream; secondly, I fear that if I were to settle down with a family, that it would only hinder my true purpose in life; and being a woman, there are only so many "child-bearing years" provided to us, it's generally a choice between one, or the other; to my annoyance. Probably why most women choose family. I just wish I could have a family, without having to give up what I want most out of life.
 
Sorry Gomendosi. I'm not sure how I came off but I certainly didnt mean to lecture. In fact, the word"you" in my post probably should have read "one" but I am reluctant to use that in posts because it sounds so formal and stilted. I am not talking about you specifically. I only meant "you" in the most general sense.

However, I do think that people (but not you, Gomendosi) often paint for themselves a mythology to live up to without considering that myths aren't real.

But aren't we meant to create our own reality. Not every-ones reality is the same. It like perception. Every-ones perception of a dream and ideology will never be the same as someone else.
We are the masters of our own reality and have the power to create it, even if its only in the mind it is still created in a non tangible manner.
But it still exists.
 
I'm very old fashioned. My dream is to find a husband "my hunnybun" and get hitched. No living together stuff for me. Someone with a lot of the same interests as mine so we can spend time together doing what we love; whether its going to antique stores, museums, dancing or even staying at home watching a movie together. Also someone who has traveled a lot (I haven't traveled and I'd love to see new places with my new "hunny"). I don't want any kids, though. I think once kids come into the picture, things change and people aren't as devoted to the marriage. As long as I'm with the right person, it won't really matter where we live.
 
Yes I wanted this at one time, 15 years ago I really did. Never thought I would get it but it happened. Well sort of, she lived with her folks downstate and I already had a house. Was with her for about 3.5 years, married for 2 of those, had my daughter. Most of those 2 years she turned all violent and would not accept help. Then divorce, and dealing with child courts for the last 11 years and counting. Tried marriage again 3 years later but I already had baggage. Besides she had huge spending and antitrust issues and so that ruined anything I had left. Over 2 years since that's been done but I just don't have it in me anymore, I'm used up. I'm done and for once in my life I'm actually more than ok with it.
 
I think society 'programmes' individuals to collectively adhere to the white picket fence life. I used to believe the idea of a nuclear family with 2.5 children was not only the right way, but the only way. Anything outside of that box was almost taboo, and certainly undesirable. ( possibly a subconscious projection, regarding my own inability to fit the mold)

Fast forward into my late twenties, and I realise that although eventually marriage is appealing to me, babies aren't. Neither is the fence. I agree that the nuclear family is beneficial for the perpetuation of a functioning society, however it is far from essential to a happy, thriving population.
 

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