When you feel down or conflicted...

[Chance]

This was asked of me recently, and it might be the best question I ever had to answer.

I havent been on here in a while, and I have missed it a lot. I kind of went off into some really deep crap, covered in some nasty depression. I climbed out of that as I have 1,000 times before. I also had some horrible crap happen with my job and I had to find a way to move past that fast. I got really lost, but also nearly instantly thrown into a huge replacement position.
I have been living overwhelmed, but I was also grateful to find a new way on my own.

During this I had to straighten out my head fast and I couldnt, or thought I couldnt. Things were way past what I was able to sort out. So, I made the call to the only theropist who has ever really seemed to care about me. I always feel weak doing this, but he knows all about me.

In this I didnt get to mask my issues, or lean on my excuses about ADHD, ASD or being a loner, an introvert, an INFJ personality type (blah, blah, blah)... None of that crap was allowed and I was shut down everytime I tried to go there, and I tried to go there a lot... We all lean on our excuses (and that includes me).

Because of the obvious reasons, I was asked a few simple questions...

I was asked, "Chance what happened to you that you feel you dont matter or that you are not worthy?" He already knew all those answers, so there was no way to wiggle out of it. But he threw in a new twist...

He asked, "What would make you feel like you are worthy? Forget the issues, the so-called limitations, and just say what would fulfill you..." I didnt think I knew that answer at first, but I did know it and it sort of shocked me.

I dont want to list mine just yet... I just want to see if anyone else will reach that deep.
With all the crap I have to deal with. It gave me a reason to rethink a lot of stuff in my life.
We often place ourselves in boxes we were never supposed to be placed in. Sometimes we need someone to get us out of the funk that holds us there.

If you feel like it, and want to dig down deep... Think about any struggles that you are facing... Dig for what happened to you? What shuts you down? What fulfills you?

What would realistically make you feel whole? I needed that answer, but it took someone else to get it out of me... It sort of was a life changer, regardless of any of the other stuff going on (and right now there is a lot), but such is LIFE. : )

 

[Aspychata]

This is hard for me to answer. l would rather run to the corner and deny everything. Guess l actually have to tug at the gray matter and ponder. Thanks for bringing this brain teaser, (l think?).

 

[Fino]

It's too abstract for me. I don't know what it means to "feel whole".
If it just means "be happy," then I'd say the answer is complex and that the totality we call "happiness" is made up of too many factors for me to explain in words how that would be achieved, for anyone.

 

[Aspychata]

So aren't we listing our insecurities in general, letting my octopus come out of my closet? These days l am fulfilled with meaningful quality time with a genuinely real person. Not material things but we time together because we both matter.

 

[Wolfnox]

I do have that answer. To know i made a difference. That in some way somebody's life is better because im here. To get up each day and know im helping people. That would be enough.

 

[Misery]

My issues? Hmm... I have gender issues, and also terrible anxiety over basically everything. Doesnt matter what it is, I probably think it's scary. Except driving. The one thing I engage in that actually has an element of danger is the thing that doesnt bother me in the slightest. Try making sense of that one.

Also the instant distrust/disgust I feel towards most people I meet. I know what general society is like. And after meeting enough people I learned that by far the majority of them fit that same unpleasant mold. Just... bleh. Am I being completely fair? No. But do I see it this way anyway? Yep.


What would make me feel worthy? I dont know what that means.


What makes me feel whole? Uhhh... I dont really know what that means either.

I do know what makes me feel marginally less angry all the time though. My dog is the big one... I couldnt get along without my perfect little fuzzball. My hobbies as well, and lastly, being somewhere that I dont loathe. AKA, somewhere constantly warm. My mood is very much tied to the weather. I suppose family as well is important but I'd never hear the end of it if they heard me say that.

Other than that, I dont really know. I do things like help people out and such, but not because it makes me feel good... it doesnt. Usually, it's annoying. Particularly when people refuse to freaking listen, which is most of the time. But I do it because it should be done... simple as that.

And... that's all, really. Does that stuff count? Or have I missed the meaning here? Heck if I know.

 

[Baeraad]

That's a question I've grappled with a lot. The simple answer is, caring about people and knowing they care about me makes me feel whole. And doing something creative makes me feel whole, as long as I feel like at least one other person will eventually see and appreciate my work.

Both of which relies on other people, unfortunately. It would be better in all sorts of ways if I could feel whole all on my own. But I'm not sure that's even in me. There are parts of me that are just missing.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

"What would make you feel like you are worthy?

The question,for me, can be about internalising other peoples expectations.

Parents - negative expectation
Societal expectation -
Positive role model - a grandfather perhaps.

All ways one can lead to evaluate a self and a worth as part of that.

To get all Alan Watts-y on it, perhaps to be is the true wonder and your true worth.
If you didn't have it already where would you go for it?



To confuse :

At one point, I didn't want TO BE, but the rule was I was not allowed to NOT BE.

I was to deconstruct myself from the inside. Tougher job than you may imagine.
But can lead you down a road of thinking what is me? how is 'me' different from a social expectation of me?

After several years of this I made a cup of tea.

Think about any struggles that you are facing... Dig for what happened to you? What shuts you down? What fulfills you?

Internal struggles can be based on rules I adopt for what I consider to be right.

How I have decided to act - mostly based on biblical basic rules.

So when I am angry, not to lash out, to produce a mental process that gives me time to respond with calmness and respect - as per my rules.

Another rule - the get out clause - allows me to forgive myself when I fail at the rules.

All things to be practiced, knowing it will never make perfect as perfect is the enemy of the good.

There's many a chop between the sloth and the broth as they say.



Anyway, @Chance nice to see you're up periscope for a while, we all need to be submarines for a while, when the juggling gets too tough.

I can also feel myself becoming a bit submariney