When people say you use a lot of excuses...

[Michelle Espinosa]

How do you respond? I was thinking it is a characteristic of being autististic not a personality trait.

It happens when I try to explain something about my challenges or how it is I did A instead of B.

If it were a trait then it would be opposite my personality which jumps in, tries the hardest things and performs with excellence. Is fearless in facing myself and others. At facing the truth.

How would a personality that makes excuses stand all that? You'd never leave the house, go to the Amazon jungle,

 

[Fino]

I let them think and say what they want as I continue to do what I need to do to be okay.

 

[OrangeSquash]

I don't use my neurodiversities as an excuse very often, so I can't offer an answer.

However, it is difficult to strike the right balance between 'sorry, my bad...' and explaining why I did B instead of A. I have a colleage who has dyscalculia and when ever she finds herself in a sticky situation she whops out her 'you can't shout at me, I have dyscalculia' card which does get tiresome. Often, someone will explain a mistake that I have made just to bring it to my attention - to highlight it, whereas I presume she feels she is being told off for a small mistake.

If i've made a massive social faux par then i'd play the ND card as a way of people understanding why I did what I did. I don't do this very often at all though as I'd not want to be thought of as using neurodiversity as an excuse.

 

[Suzanne]

I never use what I have to get out of any situation, but rather amusingly, my husband uses my diagnosis to allow me to get out of a situation.

 

[onlything]

I never use autism as an excuse. I'm bad at social situations and I lack tact but it doesn't mean I can't improve in these areas. It's much slower than other but still possible and I can see progress myself. I don't like excuses of any kind, to be honest, and try not to use them. They make it sound like it's fine to keep doing something because of XYZ. Besides, people rarely care for them anyway. You did something - alright, apologise and don't do it again or at least try not to. That's it.

 

[Judge]

A classic reason to maintain one's Neurodiversity on a "need-to-know" basis only. One cannot possibly anticipate the reactions of Neurotypicals to their autism, let alone whether or not they actually know what they are talking about. After all, the vast majority of Neurotypicals aren't likely to knowingly have any direct contact, let alone any practical knowledge relative to those of us who constitute less than two percent of society.

Where a tiny few will want to understand us better and will succeed.
Where a few more will also want to understand, but fail.
And the vast majority who are more likely to insist that we conform to their thought processes and not our own.

Statistically speaking it's more logical to anticipate resistance from Neurotypical mindsets than to assume acceptance or understanding. Not to mention how difficult such an issue can be if you encounter one who fundamentally is opposed to any concept of entitlements at all.

Simple point. Keep explanations of your traits and behaviors to yourself, and be damn careful about whomever you decide to tell for whatever reason. Knowing that even those most close to you may react in a manner far less cordially than you anticipated.

As much as some of us desperately want the world to understand, the cruel odds are that they won't.

 

[clg114]

A classic reason to maintain one's Neurodiversity on a "need-to-know" basis only. One cannot possibly anticipate the reactions of Neurotypicals to their autism, let alone whether or not they actually know what they are talking about. After all, the vast majority of Neurotypicals aren't likely to knowingly have any direct contact, let alone any practical knowledge relative to those of us who constitute less than two percent of society.

Where a tiny few will want to understand us better and will succeed.
Where a few more will also want to understand, but fail.
And the vast majority who are more likely to insist or demand that we conform to their way of doing things.

Statistically speaking it's more logical to anticipate resistance from Neurotypical mindsets than to assume acceptance or understanding. Not to mention how difficult such an issue can be if you encounter one who fundamentally is opposed to any concept of entitlements at all.

Simple point. Keep explanations of your traits and behaviors to yourself, and be damn careful about whomever you decide to tell for whatever reason. Knowing that even those most close to you may react in a manner far less cordially than you anticipated.

As much as some of us desperately want the world to understand, the cruel odds are that they won't.

That is the way it is. They ether can not or will not understand. Some of the things that they think are crazy. "So, you are retarded?" or maybe "You don't look autistic." Telling people on a need to know basis is just a lot easier.

 

[the_tortoise]

A lot of people seem to not understand the difference between explaining a legitimate difficulty you do not choose to have versus making stuff up in an attempt to never take responsibility for your own behavior.

 

[Judge]

A lot of people seem to not understand the difference between explaining a legitimate difficulty you do not choose to have versus making stuff up in an attempt to never take responsibility for your own behavior.

Particularly if this refers to a trait or behavior that is "neurologically hard-wired". Where a person on the spectrum may have little or no voluntary control at all.

Autism is neurologically seldom about attitude alone. Unfortunately a great many people don't seem to want to deal with this reality.

 

[the_tortoise]

Autism is neurologically seldom about attitude alone.

I didn’t think it was ever about attitude alone....

Are you talking about the various degrees of ability to overcome the various degrees of neurological differences to change thinking and /or behaviour to be more normal (at least superficially)?

 

[Judge]

I didn’t think it was ever about attitude alone....

Are you talking about the various degrees of ability to overcome the various degrees of neurological differences to change thinking and /or behaviour to be more normal (at least superficially)?

Indeed, it can be terribly complicated.

For what it's worth, if I rarely attempt to explain such a thing I usually point out the difference between:

1) My ability to work on being less argumentative. Always a "work in progress".

2) That I have no real control in attempting to process sarcasm aimed directly at me conversationally.

One I have some control over. The other in most cases it doesn't matter how much I may try. But trying to get a non-autistic person to understand such distinctions....good luck.

It must be nice to be neurologically "perfect". Though I can only speculate on such a thing...

 

[Questella]

If they don't like it, it's an excuse.

If they deem it acceptable, it's a reason.

 

[Creep]

How do you respond? I was thinking it is a characteristic of being autististic not a personality trait.

It happens when I try to explain something about my challenges or how it is I did A instead of B.

If it were a trait then it would be opposite my personality which jumps in, tries the hardest things and performs with excellence. Is fearless in facing myself and others. At facing the truth.

How would a personality that makes excuses stand all that? You'd never leave the house, go to the Amazon jungle,

I would consider their perspective. Constructive criticism can be a good thing, but there are those that refuse to be pleased no matter what. Don’t take it personally.

 

[Pats]

Autism can seem weird, I think. (Just in knowing myself). I could possibly surprise someone and accept an invitation to do something crazy, but don't ask me to eat the peas you put on my plate. I may enjoy making things or creating thing, but don't ask to watch. Something that someone would think should be easy for ANYONE isn't so they think autism is an excuse. My sister would think I'm using autism as an excuse if I tell her I can not get myself to go to the fair. She would think that because all the times I went and took my kids - I went for them and hated every second of it for myself. Or she thinks I use it as an excuse to not come and visit her anymore, when I used to. But, 1 I accept myself more now and a little easier on myself now and won't put myself in the very uncomfortable situations I used to think I had to put myself in. 2 I used to love to drive and it'd give me somewhere to drive to - . Now I don't like to drive. I get lost even going to familiar places. I've blacked out for a second behind the wheel so it scares me if I had to drive so far my neck would start bothering me and cause me to black out again. Sounds like excuses to her because I'm not doing what she wants me to do. But whether they are seen as legitimate reason or excuses doesn't matter to me anymore - I know what I can and can't do.

 

[Fino]

Wow, I didn't think of the OP at all as being about disclosing autism or any other personal information, but there are so many responses about that! I thought it was just about excuses in general.

 

[Peter Morrison]

If someone wishes to point out a flaw in your actions, you can explain yourself using whatever reason you have. Of course, you have to accept the criticism first before you search for explanations. Part of learning that it isn't always appropriate to speak the truth bluntly, or make a comment that might disparage someone else's contribution, we have to acknowledge the common social rules of being more delicate with our words. This can be tricky, since we don't always recognize what might be considered as indelicate (aka rude). I can't give an opinion on anything without being honest. I've explained that my honesty is an Asperger trait. (if it isn't ASD, then it means that the nuns got to me when I was 8).

If you are being accused of using ASD as an excuse, then you have the right to correct that person. It is still important to understand what you did wrong that caused that person to chastise you. It might not be you at all. Some people like to criticize others in ways that are demeaning on purpose. If this is the case, then any snarky retort would be in order.

 

[Ylva]

I see the whole concept of excuses as an allistic thing. I am not saying autistics don't learn it, we have to to fit in… but it doesn't come naturally to me. It's a matter of social strategy, as is the accusation of "you're just using excuses". I always want to reply: No, you're using my autism as an excuse, my allistic friend. But it usually contradicts my principle of not arguing with emotional/irrational people.

 

[the_tortoise]

I see the whole concept of excuses as an allistic thing. I am not saying autistics don't learn it, we have to to fit in… but it doesn't come naturally to me. It's a matter of social strategy, as is the accusation of "you're just using excuses". I always want to reply: No, you're using my autism as an excuse, my allistic friend. But it usually contradicts my principle of not arguing with emotional/irrational people.

I just realized how ironic it is....they see our social difficulties as deliberate social strategy....