When is the time to let go of friendship?

[onlything]

I apologise from the get-go since it can turn a bit long.

My best friend lives in a different country. It's one of the reasons why it became so difficult to keep that friendship. We meet a few times a year but despite all of our effort we became more and more distanced from each other. It's not that difficult to understand or accept. We live on two edges of a continent, divided by mountains and a sea. Even in the digital era, it's still quite a distance. Our lives couldn't be more different. We used to know everything about each other but now... I'm not even sure if we still know each others' favourite teas or sweets.

Don't misunderstand, it's not that bad. We still talk, we still meet and we still have fun whenever we are together. It just feels like there is a wall between us - a glass wall that always seems to divide me from the world and that never happened with her before. The 'child lost in a forest' feeling, the 'lack of belonging'.

It got worse some months ago when she got a new boyfriend. You know how it is with infatuation and new relationships. I'm trying to be patient. We went through it before with her ex. Still, it's... difficult. Suddenly, all our talks are about him, she can't do something or write because she's with him, she's always with him... and that's understandable. I am just not used to being ignored so much. I don't write her often while feeling low but being brushed off with a single word commentary while feeling miserable is... tough, in a way. Especially from a person I have considered a true friend for almost a decade.

So, she came to my graduation. I was really happy when she told me that since I didn't expect it at all - it's just so expensive! I helped her with booking flights and hotel and then, a week or so before she asked if she can bring her boyfriend since she won't feel comfortable in a foreign country and he already travelled there. I don't have anything against him personally, outside of androphobia, but I felt... angry then. Angry and guilty because she never travelled abroad by plane before, so of course she was stressed. Still, who was I then? I didn't just travel here a few times, I live here. I had the impression that she just wanted to spend more time with him. Of course, I said yes. How could I not? She's my friend, I want her to be happy. I supported her in depression, I supported her in her ugly break-up with her fiance, obviously, I can be there when she's excited about her new relationship... right?

I was just scared that she would spend all the time with him when she promised to celebrate with me... and this is what happened. She didn't even say congratulations, she coped with 'the most boring part' that being my graduation ceremony and run off with him as soon as I said I'm going to take some photos for my album. Well, that's not fair. I asked her if she would like to go somewhere with the guy while I'm busy with formalities. I could see that she was bored and uncomfortable, what else was I supposed to do? And she jumped at the opportunity as soon as the proposition left my lips. She left.

Again, no well done, no you should be proud, no nothing. She knew how I struggled with the degree and all of the mental issues and she just... left. And, believe me, it hurt.

Then, they included me the day after into some of their activities but I still felt like a third wheel most of the time. I felt irritated. Then, angry. I don't get angry easily but I was furious in that cold way that makes your chest constrict. I said nothing. Meditated a bit while alone, calmed down, tried to have fun anyway. We did have some fun. But there was the wall.

Today, I published some photos on social media and she suddenly wrote to me asking me to delete one of the photos where we were together because she didn't want her ex to see it. Okay, no big deal. Except, it is the only photo we took together and she wants it gone because her new boyfriend is there. I let her know that only selected few people can see it, no public, no ex. She still wanted it gone. The message here is clear - the new boyfriend and relationship, or whatever it is, is more important than an old friend. Than me.

I was angry but now I'm just hurt and sad, and confused, and I really don't want to see or talk to her. I can understand why she would ask it but it changes nothing. I told her that, well, it's kinda sad since I really like the photo and to let me know when I could publish it. She gave me some excuses on how her ex is unsufferable etc. and send me photos she took of me on the day. I didn't answer. I'm just... tired. I don't want her photos. I don't want to talk to her. I don't want to look or think of her. She's with him now, sending me some photos of whatever it is they're doing. I'm not going to check.

That's why I don't get close to people easily. When you do, you become vulnerable and always end up getting hurt in some way.

Maybe I'm just exaggerating, however. Maybe you could tell me what you think? Should I just... let this friendship go? Should I wait a bit longer? This wall turned into a chasm and I don't know what to do. Like that time my father said that he doesn't have a daughter anymore. She may have said nothing like that but her actions feel like I'm losing a friend.

 

[Cazelle]

Hi onlything, that sounds really tough. Is your friend still visiting? Could you ask if you could spend some time together, just the two of you?

 

[BraidedPony]

Before you give up on the friendship, you need to let her know how you feel. She is being stupid and doesnt realize it.
I would feel hurt too if I were in your situation.
She is taking you for granted. As soon as this current boyfriend and her break up, she going to run calling you for support, again.

 

[All-Rounder]

I feel like she's not aware of your inner turmoil, and maybe she thought you would enjoy his presence, rather than feel like a third wheel. In that way she could be with both people whom she likes.

I think you should talk to her, you've let this hurt you for so long without saying a word to her. I understand it's hard to tell her this especially since you feel she deserves to be happy with him but if she understands you would like to be treated with more attention, she will be able to be more careful not to hurt your feelings and put you before other things or her boyfriend in circumstances that are important to you.

She could get offended, she could misunderstand and she could tell him about it, that might lead to taking more distance from you if the guy turns her against you. But hey, at least you tried? This friendship is important to you so pass the ball in her field and see how things work out.

Don't forget to mention that you feel she deserves to be happy with the guy and wont interfere, that way she will know you've got nothing against her dating him, just against her neglecting you.

Other times dont tell her to leave if you dont want her to, even if you see she is bored. That might make her feel like you want her out of there or that the party's over. And if shes with her bf they might as well never come back if they do leave, they can find lots of fun things to do together, basically everything is enjoyable and can't get enough of.

 

[Mia]

Have done a lot of things for friends, people I thought would be friends with throughout my life. It hasn't worked out that way. They ended up not being what I thought friends should be. My idea of friendship is loyalty and caring about the other person through everything that happens in life. In retrospect I've given too much of myself, and received quite a bit less loyalty in return. Maybe it's because I thought that by giving everything of myself, they would care about me. It's happened with family too.

Placing no boundaries with friends and siblings, was part of the problem. Having lent money, labour and a great deal of time and attention to them. Thinking that was what you were supposed to do for people that you care about. But not everyone looks at friendship in the same way. For some it's simply someone to talk to, communicate with when they are lonely or help solve their problems. For others it's someone to go out with, spend some time with in between boyfriends and girlfriends. For a few it's an advantage, or a person who will help them out when they make bad decisions. There are all kinds of friendships, long term or short term, that may or may not benefit the people in them. It depends on your expectations.

 

[Baeraad]

I know the feeling of people drifting apart from you. And yeah, romantic partners frequently play a part in that. There are many people who can be in a relationship and still maintain strong ties outside of it, but there are some who are... maybe not so good at that.

I agree that you should talk to her and tell her that you could really use some more you-and-her time. Emphasising that you're happy that she has someone but that you also miss her is probably a good idea.

She did travel a very long way to see you, even though she apparently doesn't normally travel much. I feel like that should mean that she's still committed to you.

 

[onlything]

Hi onlything, that sounds really tough. Is your friend still visiting? Could you ask if you could spend some time together, just the two of you?

Sometimes we still meet but she always brings that boyfriend of hers and I end up left behind more often than not. To be honest, after some things that happened lately I'm not sure if I even still want to spend more time with her... Anyway, we see each other again on Monday with another friend of ours. I wonder if she brings hey boyfriend again. Most probably, they seem to have joined at the hip these days - quite literally in fact. Heh...

Before you give up on the friendship, you need to let her know how you feel. She is being stupid and doesnt realize it.
I would feel hurt too if I were in your situation.
She is taking you for granted. As soon as this current boyfriend and her break up, she going to run calling you for support, again.

I decided to wait for a bit before talking to her - I was angry and sad, and when I am I tend to get defensive and do things I can regret later. We met again yesterday for a concert we planned to go to for more than a year - she didn't have money at the time, so I bought the tickets and later when she broke up with her fiance I spent three months writing to and arguing with organisators to change the names on the tickets for someone else since the tickets were personalised. Guess who she chose? Yeah, her boyfriend. Guess what happened? Yeah, they went off from the get-go without a word. Also, I got to know something interesting. She told her boyfriend about my issues. Depression, autism, all that jazz - things I told her in trust and in secret believing that she would keep it as I would keep hers. You don't just go around babbling about your friends' problems to anyone. I've never told anyone about her depression, potential BPD or fertility problems - never. I would never. But now... I'm not sure if I still care about keeping or not keeping them. She almost babbled to my parents as well, people that simply can't know about some things. I made sure to let her know that I didn't appreciate it and I don't want her to talk to others or with others in close vicinity about these things but who knows if she cares enough... I think my anger showed because she got quite defensive, but then I'm too numb to care these days.

Also, last time I mentioned how she wanted me to delete the only photo we had together for my graduation because her boyfriend was there and some of their acquaintances could have seen in and told their exes. Funny business here. They didn't seem to have anything against holding hands and being all lovey-dovey while being on a concert in the middle of the city these acquaintances live in, as well as on a concert were other mutual colleagues attended as well...

There were other small things through that time - moments like talking to me only when she needed something, like my signature or document scan for the ticket change or directions to a specific place. You know that feeling when you look at the retreating back of someone you care so much about? Yeah... nasty.

I'm tired of this bs.

I feel like she's not aware of your inner turmoil, and maybe she thought you would enjoy his presence, rather than feel like a third wheel. In that way she could be with both people whom she likes.

I think you should talk to her, you've let this hurt you for so long without saying a word to her. I understand it's hard to tell her this especially since you feel she deserves to be happy with him but if she understands you would like to be treated with more attention, she will be able to be more careful not to hurt your feelings and put you before other things or her boyfriend in circumstances that are important to you.

She could get offended, she could misunderstand and she could tell him about it, that might lead to taking more distance from you if the guy turns her against you. But hey, at least you tried? This friendship is important to you so pass the ball in her field and see how things work out.

Don't forget to mention that you feel she deserves to be happy with the guy and wont interfere, that way she will know you've got nothing against her dating him, just against her neglecting you.

Other times dont tell her to leave if you dont want her to, even if you see she is bored. That might make her feel like you want her out of there or that the party's over. And if shes with her bf they might as well never come back if they do leave, they can find lots of fun things to do together, basically everything is enjoyable and can't get enough of.

Thank you for your insight. I thought so as well, to some extent I still think so but after the last few meetings we had, especially the concert I mentioned above, I just feel... done, you know? I'm tired of fighting all the time for people that don't care about staying, tired of being left behind and abandoned without a single thought when something or someone better comes into their lives. Just... tired. She knew that my depression has gotten so much worse the last few months, that I needed her, but she still chose to give it no thought at all. I'm sick and tired and I know when I'm not wanted. I'm not going to beg for attention. I have nothing else to give.

Have done a lot of things for friends, people I thought would be friends with throughout my life. It hasn't worked out that way. They ended up not being what I thought friends should be. My idea of friendship is loyalty and caring about the other person through everything that happens in life. In retrospect I've given too much of myself, and received quite a bit less loyalty in return. Maybe it's because I thought that by giving everything of myself, they would care about me. It's happened with family too.

Placing no boundaries with friends and siblings, was part of the problem. Having lent money, labour and a great deal of time and attention to them. Thinking that was what you were supposed to do for people that you care about. But not everyone looks at friendship in the same way. For some it's simply someone to talk to, communicate with when they are lonely or help solve their problems. For others it's someone to go out with, spend some time with in between boyfriends and girlfriends. For a few it's an advantage, or a person who will help them out when they make bad decisions. There are all kinds of friendships, long term or short term, that may or may not benefit the people in them. It depends on your expectations.

It seems that I always end up expecting more from people than they are willing to give. I suppose it's my fault - believing that others would be there when I need them since I would always be there when they needed me. People are right when they call me naive and childish.

I know the feeling of people drifting apart from you. And yeah, romantic partners frequently play a part in that. There are many people who can be in a relationship and still maintain strong ties outside of it, but there are some who are... maybe not so good at that.

I agree that you should talk to her and tell her that you could really use some more you-and-her time. Emphasising that you're happy that she has someone but that you also miss her is probably a good idea.

She did travel a very long way to see you, even though she apparently doesn't normally travel much. I feel like that should mean that she's still committed to you.

She did travel, indeed... But for me or for a trip with her boyfriend? I don't even know anymore.



I apologise for all the negativity. I just got tired. And for the late answer, I suppose. I will see how it goes on Monday, talk maybe with another friend acting as a mediator - unless she brings her boyfriend again. I hope not to do anything reckless, I get so easily annoyed by her stupid jokes and 'teasing' insults that I just want to talk back, hurt her back but then - I don't want to be this kind of a person. Got enough of those around.