When genuine affection/love expressed is mistaken for love bombing, or how can we express intense passion without it seeming like love bombing?

[Rocco]

In a recent multi year relationship I found myself to have an overwhelming sense of love and happiness at times. There was a lot of great periods of time where I felt so happy and content. Like everything was perfect. This would usually trigger an intense emotion of wanting to verbally express my feelings and show affection. My then partner once mentioned love bombing.
I looked that up and was horrified with the concept and negative things associated with that.
I cannot even grasp how people’s brains can be conniving in manipulative ways like that. That relationship is over for other reasons and I have moved on, but as I get back into dating I hope to avoid being misunderstood regarding emotions and affection.

For those in relationships, do you experience intense love or affection at times?
Has it ever been mistaken for love bombing?
How do you show affection and love for your partner?

 

[Outdated]

You sound very similar to me in that regard, but I never got accused of love bombing. I had one girlfriend where we were evenly matched in that and it was a very intense relationship, but we were only very young and our mothers teamed up and worked at splitting us apart.

There's all sorts of different women out there, finding one you're compatible with isn't always easy.

 

[Rocco]

Same here Forest Cat, never with intent to control or manipulate.
I also experienced intense feeling months and years into my last relationship.
I assume, as folks on the spectrum, we can feel quite passionately about people on occasion. I guess finding a less “red flag” type of way to express it is more difficult.

I have a new person I am very excited about and hope not to sabotage things with my enthusiasm.

 

[vergil96]

Misinterpreting others as manipulatory is something some people do, and others don't. Not worth it to stick around accusatory people who prefer to play games instead of having a healthy relationship be it romantic, friendship, at work etc.

 

[Rodafina]

@Rocco, I'm wondering if your ex partner's thoughts of "love bombing" were based on their past experiences and feelings of mistrust. Perhaps, it was difficult for them to believe that such exuberant expressions of love did not have an underlying purpose to control and coerce.

Even if there is no intention to control and manipulate, I think it is good to try to understand how what we do and say is perceived and insure that we are not crossing other people's boundaries of comfort and safety.

This is written to help recognize if someone is love bombing you, but I think it could also be useful to understand what not to do as someone who is feeling strong love emotions.

How is love bombing different from a loving relationship?​

So, how do you know if your relationship is even real? Is it actually love bombing or are they just that into you? Dr. Tiani explains that your best bet in figuring this out is to identify whether or not they bulldoze over your healthy boundaries.

“Have an open conversation with them about how you’re feeling and what your boundaries are and see how they respond,” advises Dr. Tiani. “If you voice something that’s made you uncomfortable and somebody takes that feedback and incorporates it and changes their behavior moving forward, they probably respect you and care about your relationship. But if they’re combative, argumentative or continue to disrespect your boundaries, those are red flags.”

Another litmus test you can do is to check in with your family and friends to get a fresh perspective. You’ll also want to check in with yourself and trust that gut feeling you have when something feels wrong.

“Good relationships feel good,” states Dr. Tiani. “If it feels too good to be true, that’s probably an indication that there’s something going on. It’s important that when those feelings surface, you tune into that instead of pushing it aside.”

What Is Love Bombing? 7 Signs To Look For

 

[mw2530]

Same here Forest Cat, never with intent to control or manipulate.
I also experienced intense feeling months and years into my last relationship.
I assume, as folks on the spectrum, we can feel quite passionately about people on occasion. I guess finding a less “red flag” type of way to express it is more difficult.

I have a new person I am very excited about and hope not to sabotage things with my enthusiasm.

I think the intense feelings also cause many of us on the spectrum to completely hide their true feelings. Whether in a relationship or just with friends or in social situations. So I think the intense feelings can cause two polar opposite behaviors. Two sides of the same coin. I think we tend to be aloof or a bit emotionally distant initially but then in rare instances when we get to know someone and trust is built the floodgates open in terms of expressing our emotions.

Hope things go well with the new person you have taken an interest in.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

Don't bomb. Just give a warning shot

 

[All-Rounder]

Yes, autistic people have deep emotions and I get attached fast, I've often felt I couldn't control myself because we can't control our feelings but we can control what we do such as putting distance, taking a break. I've been love bombed throughout my life and manipulated, it leaves you feeling very vulnerable and vigilant.

You slow it down and control yourself. The person is freaking out. And in general try not to get attached fast or have many expectations until things are obvious that the other person feels the same. Also helps to protect you in case you can discover meanwhile that the person is disgenuinous.

The best ways to flirt and not spook your crush are subtle, the other person will feel attracted to you more than if you were handsome. Not saying that you aren't but it's a powerful tool.

Excessive displays of affection that are like kids tend to do, and excessive gift giving are recognized as either lovebombing at the beginning of a relationship or when abuse has set in, to confuse the victim and make them let you in again. Like brings you tons of gifts, flowers, apologies after cheating or after putting his hands on you practically scaring you to death. So when you feel terrible you think he's a good person due to the discrepancy of the situation and desire to love.

 

[FilterFreq]

Genuine affection isn't usually obsessive or overwhelming*. Obsessive relationships are... well, probably unhealthy most of the time, but it's not my place to judge what other people are willing to accept for themselves.

(* = some people really do express things differently though, so this should absolutely be considered)

Some people use 'love' as a means of manipulation, whether they mean to or not. I've literally never showered anybody in gifts or praise because I'm not a conniving person, and without that aspect it would just be awkward. When people sense that there's something disingenuous going on, it really does change the dynamic.

I'd rather be brutally honest to a fault than manipulative any day of the week, though.

 

[vergil96]

We as aspies are socially awkward and it's easy for us to come across as too much or too little. Often our attantion hyperfocuses on something and we do this thing and nothing else, in great depth, which can come across both as excessive interest in something or someone or no interest in other things and people. But it's just how our brain works and there is no "hidden meaning" behind it, it's awkward at worst. If someone can't distinguish being socially awkward from having bad intentions, well... maybe they're not okay as a friend, partner, coworker etc

 

[Mr. Stevens]

We as aspies are socially awkward and it's easy for us to come across as too much or too little. Often our attantion hyperfocuses on something and we do this thing and nothing else, in great depth, which can come across both as excessive interest in something or someone or no interest in other things and people. But it's just how our brain works and there is no "hidden meaning" behind it, it's awkward at worst. If someone can't distinguish being socially awkward from having bad intentions, well... maybe they're not okay as a friend, partner, coworker etc

I think there can be more to it, even if the intent is not bad. When I've come on too strong it was either desperation and/or gratitude and surprise at feeling I'd found acceptance. Expressing that strongly, in retrospect, was about fear of losing that, and even though the feelings were understandable it wasn't the best way to deal with them. I didn't have to do anything but feel them. Looking back at some of my interactions with women, I'd say expressing love strongly was more about me than them. I did it for me and thought I was doing something for them. Which would understandably turn people off.