if6wasnin9
Member
I'm 61 and my parents have never stopped trying to tell me what to do. I've been trying to shake them all my adult life. It's very dysfunctional. I've tried avoiding them, ignoring them, kissing their butts. Nothing has worked.
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When do parents stop acting like parents?
- Thread starter if6wasnin9
- Start date
Pretty much when they die. You're always their kid. My 90 year old mother still fusses over me and I'm 67.
if6wasnin9
Member
My dad tells me what to say and this year he told me to get a haircut. Wish he'd stay out of my life.
Wow...my remaining parent died when I was 50.
There ya go. When they die, they will stop treating you as their child.
Usually never.
I'm not sure by what actions you call acting like parents.
Trying to tell you what to do? Maybe?
I've never been a parent and don't know the "parental" nature of emotions.
Maybe I just got lucky through a combination of being an only child with parents that didn't try to rule me to any great degree. Or maybe they saw at a young age I didn't take to being ruled or physically disciplined.
Being told things that were for my own safety as a very young child such as don't eat the oleanders, play with scorpions or put rocks in my mouth needed only to be told once and I understood it was for my own good.
I think I was what people call an old soul and had a working intuition of good/bad, safe/unsafe and human judgement.
The only thing that got next to me, having lived my life with my parents and no one else until mom's passing when I was 56, was her strong desire to mold me into her religion ideals. We never saw eye to eye on that subject, and she never gave up on it. Still, we were as close as two people could be, and I feel alone even now without her.
Even a friend could be insistent with pushing their belief system on you however annoying.
Dad was not that way and didn't say much to try and change me.
As far as fussing over me, if showing care and love via actions is fussing, well, that was alright by me. I had nothing to prove to anyone like it meant showing I was grown up if I deflected affectionate actions.
Trying to tell you what to do? Maybe?
I've never been a parent and don't know the "parental" nature of emotions.
Maybe I just got lucky through a combination of being an only child with parents that didn't try to rule me to any great degree. Or maybe they saw at a young age I didn't take to being ruled or physically disciplined.
Being told things that were for my own safety as a very young child such as don't eat the oleanders, play with scorpions or put rocks in my mouth needed only to be told once and I understood it was for my own good.
I think I was what people call an old soul and had a working intuition of good/bad, safe/unsafe and human judgement.
The only thing that got next to me, having lived my life with my parents and no one else until mom's passing when I was 56, was her strong desire to mold me into her religion ideals. We never saw eye to eye on that subject, and she never gave up on it. Still, we were as close as two people could be, and I feel alone even now without her.
Even a friend could be insistent with pushing their belief system on you however annoying.
Dad was not that way and didn't say much to try and change me.
As far as fussing over me, if showing care and love via actions is fussing, well, that was alright by me. I had nothing to prove to anyone like it meant showing I was grown up if I deflected affectionate actions.
There are many ways of saying "I love you". Be glad they care so much. You'll miss them once they're gone.
Roughly 80% of interactions with my father, throughout my entire life, was being told "get a haircut."
Simple answer: Never
My parents haven't stopped acting like parents, but eventually, I stopped acting like a kid.
If your parent says "get a haircut," it doesn't mean you have to do it.
If they are not harming you, I think it's a time to practice acceptance and gratitude that they care. Their behavior probably won't change, but you can change your perspective.
If your parent says "get a haircut," it doesn't mean you have to do it.
If they are not harming you, I think it's a time to practice acceptance and gratitude that they care. Their behavior probably won't change, but you can change your perspective.
As a hospice nurse I attended the death of a 96 year old man. As I sat with the widow, surrounded by at least four adult children old enough to be grandparents, she was telling me her worries about all the things she needed to do now.
I suggested she let these obviously loving adult children help her. She looked at me aghast. She said, “They won’t do it right.”
I suggested she let these obviously loving adult children help her. She looked at me aghast. She said, “They won’t do it right.”
That was probably the first time I openly defied my father at the age of 15. He told me to get a haircut and I said, "No". Then told him to look around and see how most kids have long hair. My mother even nodded.
I won.
if6wasnin9
Member
My parents impose their social philosophy on me. Like my dad believes in letting certain things roll off your back and believes that arguing is wrong and try to laugh at everything. I think that you need to argue sometimes in order to solve issues and move ahead. He refuses to argue or complain so we remain stuck on all things.
I was treated horribly by drs and hospitals and he thinks I should forget about it.
I was treated horribly by drs and hospitals and he thinks I should forget about it.
I am still a little boy to my mother. It has became a trigger to me. Every time she explains me how to do the most simplest things, or checks if I know what I am doing, or if I remember instructions, or she questions my knowledge about things, I get my blood pressure sky high and I just need to try and swallow whatever bitter words come up to my mind.
Which is a contradiction compared to how I usually behave, as I tolerate and sometimes even prefer same things from other people: I actually liked communication in the army, as there everything is explained to the detail with no assumption of previous knowledge about anything. This is just to make sure that soldiers fully understand every order. No between-the-lines communication. Orders are expected to be repeated, so officers can be sure that every word of the order has been heard. It leaves no questions about the content of the message.
I don't know why I am always on the edge especially with my mother. Probably because she has known me almost fifty years already, so she should know better, while other people don't.
Which is a contradiction compared to how I usually behave, as I tolerate and sometimes even prefer same things from other people: I actually liked communication in the army, as there everything is explained to the detail with no assumption of previous knowledge about anything. This is just to make sure that soldiers fully understand every order. No between-the-lines communication. Orders are expected to be repeated, so officers can be sure that every word of the order has been heard. It leaves no questions about the content of the message.
I don't know why I am always on the edge especially with my mother. Probably because she has known me almost fifty years already, so she should know better, while other people don't.
I think they all do that. It's rather like the... in the beginning the Gods created man in their own image thing.
People are that way too. The child is like a piece of clay to be molded into the image they want.
I don't go for that. Never did.
Sometimes things need to be aired. Call it arguing or a heated discussion. I could never let things just roll off my back either. Communication is necessary. Calm and literal if possible.
MROSS
Well-Known Member
Parents (of even adult children with High Functioning Autism (HFA) - short of NT like) can often do the wrong things for the right reasons.
What a parent's heart says, their mind can naturally forget.
There is online content on what is known as the "reason-emotion dichotomy" - descriptions in actual printed words written by people acting as impartial advocates are refreshing to read, and can prove to be "ice-breakers of sorts."
I would hesitate to have even thoughtful discussions with parents on anything relating to the "reason-emotion dichotomy."
I would also hesitate mention anything with the word 'dichotomy' to those trusted family friends and relatives who (from my personal approval) will act as advisors at a future time on those complex issues in life.
I've felt discussions with trusted friends/relatives on handling those complex issues have proven to be that "ice breaker of sorts."
What a parent's heart says, their mind can naturally forget.
There is online content on what is known as the "reason-emotion dichotomy" - descriptions in actual printed words written by people acting as impartial advocates are refreshing to read, and can prove to be "ice-breakers of sorts."
I would hesitate to have even thoughtful discussions with parents on anything relating to the "reason-emotion dichotomy."
I would also hesitate mention anything with the word 'dichotomy' to those trusted family friends and relatives who (from my personal approval) will act as advisors at a future time on those complex issues in life.
I've felt discussions with trusted friends/relatives on handling those complex issues have proven to be that "ice breaker of sorts."
MROSS
Well-Known Member
At this point in my middle-age years, my main sentiment: "it is what it is" and "it was what it was."
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