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When are things actually over?

SimonSays

Van Dweller
V.I.P Member
I wasn't expecting birthday wishes from anyone, but out of the blue, my American ex-wife wishes me a happy birthday. We haven't been in contact for quite some time.

When I saw her message I didn't know what to do. I could just thank her I suppose, yet that seemed too simple. Whereas to say more seemed too much. I tried writing a few words but deleted them. In the end I didn't say anything. I felt bad though. I know how I’d feel if I’d wished her a happy birthday and received no response. So the following morning I thanked her. I felt relieved that I didn't have to think about what to do any more. A few hours later she sent a reply. ‘How are you’.

This really messed with me. How am I? I always struggle with this question whenever my therapist asks it. Does she really want to know? Maybe I should tell her. Perhaps if I actually tell her it will put her off. What do I even say? So I write something and send it, and honestly, I'm not expecting to hear anything more. I sent details. It's probably not what she wants to hear. I don't know why she wished me a happy birthday. She must have been thinking about me. But I never expected her to ask me how I am. She never asks me that. I did ask her how things were for her. I don't expect to hear another word because that requires her to reveal details. Maybe I'll be wrong this time.

When are things actually over? Our relationship was intense. So much feeling was involved. Are we still connected even though we’re no longer in each other's lives? I'm pretty sure I would see her again if that were possible; dangerous as that might be as it could ignite dormant feelings. It didn't work between us, and yet three years has gone by, and a lot has changed. Could we be different with each other now? It feels too complicated to even contemplate reconnecting. I’m just not that bloke any more. She’s the last connection to that part of my life. How can I truly let go if every so often I’m pulled back? It's why I stopped trying to remain in contact.

Some people who break up want to stay friends. I can't understand this. If we could be friends we could have stayed together. For me, friendship underlies relationship. No friendship, no relationship. If it's over then why hold on? I know people do, especially if there's children involved, then it makes sense.

There was a time when I really missed her. I felt like I'd made a terrible mistake in letting her go. But some of that was due to my circumstances. I would have to be different in order to deal with her differently. Having been apart for three years would make it easier to be around her, at least at first, but there’s no way I could take the chance of falling back into old patterns of behaviour.

I do feel that something is better than nothing, especially when you are alone and connection is non-existent. But to be with her again I fear I would have to be him again, and I don't think I could be. Not without the same things occurring.

This is more a thought experiment than an actual possibility, and I have thought about this many times, especially when things were difficult for me. I’m sure that if I’d been able to return when things got bad, I would have tried. Life ensured I couldn't. It would have been wrong for so many reasons. But I've made poor choices before, so sometimes I need life to step in and ensure I have to make better ones.
 
Hi, I don't have any words of wisdom but I do understand your dilemma. I haven't spoken to my ex-wife for 6 years since our break up. It would freak me out if she contacted me. I do talk to my kids (in their 20s) regularly but they never mention her. I am terrified if we ever have to meet up, like a wedding or funeral, and I know it will happen but still don't know how I'd cope. I guess small steps is all we can take. I wish you luck.
 
@SimonSays, I relate to this. Some people always seem to leave a mark on your psyche. Like a new ring in a trees growth. Time passess with all kinds of marks. Some rings are thick and you remember how good those days were. Some rings are thin and make you feel weaker when you look at them (those days).

I ruminate on my ex a lot. He was not a pleasant man. His limbs are made of many, thin, weak rings. Still, I am better than I have ever been and I can't help but wonder if I was who I am today would have made a difference? Probably not. I wish I had known about my a.s.d. then. I think knowing would have made a difference for me and I might have spent less time in his company. Still, I might not be who I am today without that miserable experience in my past. And the truth is, I like who I am now. I like her a lot.

Yes, I have made poor choices too. But I only know they were poor because of the outcome. I did the best I could at the time. I wasn't capable of better when I made those choices because I lacked the knowledge that I needed to do better. But now I know these past choices were not right and I won't make the same mistakes.

But I WILL make mistakes again! I am only human.

It really doesn't matter how you answer "How are you". Anything will do. There is no test and no right answer. "Fine" is good enough or anything you want to say really. "I've been better. I really appreciate you remembering my birthday. That was kind of you." Or "Honestly, things have been crap lately. You well wishes were appreciated."
 
Just an FYI: 'Happy B-Day' and 'How are you?' are standard American polite chat without real meaning.
 
If my ex messaged me, I would shoot myself in the foot. I don't know why, that's just the first thing I thought of.
 
You would punish yourself over her actions? Why? Curious!

It may be because @Fino believes God disapproves of gay relationships. Whereas I think that kind of bigotry would be a very human fault, and not an opinion the almighty would harbour.
 
I wonder if you know that part of your life is over when you state " you can't be that bloke again"

Therein lies the beauty of it all in so much that you don't HAVE to be that bloke again. Not if you don't want to.

Don't let it mess with your head.
Wish her well and keep yourself moving forward as that new bloke who isn't that other bloke anymore :)
 
For her to message you, it gives you options. It's okay to say nothing. It's okay to make this awkward. Here're your options, and all of them are correct!

1. Say nothing.
2. Say "thank you" and nothing else.
3. Bluntly tell her 1-1 that you don't appreciate her contact at all. Optionally, you can add more details such as if there are conditions in which you would meet with her (something convenient on your own schedule only, a location convenient to you, etc.)
4. Ask her if she's looking to talk about possibly rebuilding a friendship/relationship and that if neither is the case, then you don't want her to contact you at all- period!

She's making it awkward- not you. Spell it out so that you show confidence and dignity for yourself. Don't let her walk all over you.
 
You would punish yourself over her actions? Why? Curious!

Because of the idea that when something is painful, you cause yourself some other pain to distract yourself from that first pain. It's vaguely intended to be humorous, but that is the principle I was trying to express.
 
I’m concerned about this being and becoming unhealthy for you simon.

I’m still working on recovering from something, a situation which I allowed myself to get embroiled in, and which was similar in some ways to what you’ve described.

Who are you going to be when it - the situation - demands that you cannot be yourself? How can you sustain that state, and why should you?
 

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