My parents haven't embraced the idea, even though me and my brother are on waiting lists for Autism assessments, and both of us exhibit clear signs that were are on the spectrum. I'm not sure if they see it as some kind of reflection as them as parents. My mum seems particularly defensive and dismissive about the whole thing - perhaps because she heard about the (now rejected) refrigerator mother theory which supposedly led to children developing autism.
I've been open with my manager in my current job about my pending assessment for Autism and ADHD. My manager has sympathised with me - and this is actually my first day back after 2 weeks signed off due to stress. He's been a lot more understanding that I expected. He got several people to chip in and help keep my workload as up to date as they could. It means I wasn't drowning when I got back into the office.
He also told me something which struck a chord with me - he said that I leave a good impression on everyone, and nobody has a bad word to say about me. This shows how well I mask, as well as how much I engage in the Fawn Response - in order to ensure there's little friction or confrontation in life. Of course, masking and fawning are exhausting behaviours - and I'm only my true self in my own company.
My ex who I currently live with whilst we sell our house (offer accepted on Friday) is probably the only person I've dated with whom I've been myself around. She sees the energy, the mania, the silly voices and childish playfulness. This is the sort of stuff I keep under wraps from most people. The mask that people see is that of a painfully shy, quiet, yet helpful person. In the past, I've made good friends in previous workplaces - and the playfulness begins to rise to the surface. But it's behaviour that attracts negative attention from management - I get told off for being a "distraction" to others. In fact, in my first job I was moved around more than anyone else, because once I got to know a person - I began to be myself, and then get told off for it.
So I'm thankful that my current manager is understanding. He's also looking to hire a 4th person as our team is understaffed and overworked. Hopefully when things are less stressful, my chronic mistakes I make in work might lessen. It's been that way since school though - rushing work, impulsive behaviour, not listening properly or paying attention to detail. This is especially prevalent when I'm doing menial tasks - and every job I've had has been menial.
I've been a lot more open in recent years about my experiences with depression and anxiety. In being open, I've shared a lot with previous work colleagues, and it's nice to be able to relate to people on a deeper level.
It's hard though - masking, and feeling like you don't fit in. I have no friends in this current job since they sacked my only friend last year. I keep my head down, I barely talk and I always assumed I'd blend in by doing this. In reality - I think it makes you stand out. I assumed this would be in a negative way - but my boss, and the HR manager have both told me that people actually really like me. It seems strange, as I don't feel like I really know anyone here.
Kristy has also said I leave a good impression on people. In fact a lot of people I've dated have said their friends really like me. I just find socialising exhausting after a while. I often fantasize about being naturally outgoing (instead of only doing so on my own) or being capable of socialising regularly, rather than feeling exhausted by brief social encounters.
One thing that's been nice is that I've seen myself slowly grow more comfortable in my own skin. Whilst I hope I'd be more outgoing and confident - the reality is, that since learning about the spectrum and ADHD, I feel a lot more accepting of who I am as a person.
Knowing that these are conditions that are lifelong and aren't something to be fixed or "cured" has helped me come to terms with why I am the way I am - and why I think and feel the way I do. Sure, at times it can make life very challenging, but it also adds a colour and an energy to life that I'm sure a lot of NT's don't experience.
"People don't think the way that you do" is a statement my ex told me a lot. After our house viewings last week, she'd often comment that I talked too much, or went off on weird tangents that were confusing people who'd asked questions. My response was one that is becoming more common - "That's just how I am".
Whilst I might think and act in a way that doesn't seem "normal" - when I joined this forum and began collecting books on autism and ADHD, I began to understand that what I'd considered abnormal and tried to hide in public all my life, is actually typical behaviour for people on the spectrum.
I know that we are more than the sum of our diagnoses - and yet, when I read about autism and ADHD traits and behaviours, it was like I was reading my autobiography.
Whilst the quote in the context of the show is a far cry from how I'm going to use it here, there is a poignant line in Boardwalk Empire - "I am who I am, who else could I be?"
Accepting yourself is empowering. You might want more, but you have to try and be welcoming to all facets of your character. This is probably why masking is so tiring - because you're trying to filter and dumb down a lot of aspects of yourself, whilst trying to blend in and normalise your persona.
My therapist once told me of a poem that is very apt when it comes to mental health struggles. It was written in the 13th century by Jalāl ad-Dīn Mohammad Rūmī. Despite it's age, it contains a very relevant and powerful message. I looked it up on my phone during the therapy session and began to read it aloud. Half way through my voice began to falter, and by the end I was in tears:
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
Ed
