What's it like being married?

[Greatshield17]

To NT specifically, but also to a fellow-aspie as well. What are some key tips and advice to keep in mind in order to please one's spouse and cultivating a deep, understanding relationship?

 

[Au Naturel]

Learn to say "Yes dear!" with enthusiasm.

Life with a spouse is only occasionally deep or understanding. Complementary personalities are more important than romance. Spouses who are friends stay together. Testosterone and oxytocin will fade quickly with familiarity. Having common interests will last. Having strengths to reinforce each other's weaknesses will last.

A business partnership with a touch of romance. Most of it is housework, minding the kids, paying the bills, bills, and MORE %$#@ BILLS! Stress from many sources. Work schedules, DIY repairs or coughing up money. Mowing the lawn, doing laundry, feeding the pets. Rent or mortgage. A few weekend getaways and a longer vacation when you can both scrape together the time off from work. More marriages break up because of money problems/concerns/conflicts than all other causes combined.

What starts out as an endorphin soaked haze has to transition to a pragmatic partnership or you are doomed. My suggestion is that you live together in sin for at least a year to establish how everything works. If you still don't hate each other after all that time, it will probably last.

The time to build trust and trot out those skeletons isn't after marriage. I'd do it as soon as it became clear it isn't just a passing fancy, long before even engagement. Marriage is a contract and both sides are obligated to engage in full disclosure. Not to do so is as big a violation of the contract as anything you might do afterward. Trust may come initially from faith but eventually, it has to come from experience. It needs to be in place before anything permanent is decided upon.

"Oh but I'm afraid to tell her. She might leave!" Oh, really? Then you should not be married. Marriage is not for everyone. I don't care what kind of buzz you have going. Eventually, everything will out (and not in a favorable way) and until that "dies irae," you'll be living a very secretive, painful lie that will hurt both of you.

The two of you may evolve in different ways that leave you incompatible. Maybe marriage counseling helps maybe it doesn't. That's the risk you take.

 

[Aspychata]

Hopefully you grow as a couple whether you marry or not.

 

[Tom]

Never criticize, accept early on that they are always right and when you mess up give them a heafty bribe to forgive you and all will be well.

 

[Crossbreed]

If she is your best friend before she is your lover, "lover" is just icing on the cake.

If she isn't your best friend, first, you have nothing after your sex drive has been satiated. (For men, this is called the refractory period.) Any misogyny or misandry will become painfully conspicuous at that time.

You're My Best Friend, Queen (1975)

 

[SusanLR]

"Oh but I'm afraid to tell her. She might leave!" Oh, really? Then you should not be married. Marriage is not for everyone. I don't care what kind of buzz you have going. Eventually, everything will out (and not in a favorable way) and until that "dies irae." you'll be living a very secretive, painful lie that will hurt both of you

The year trial usually will tell all.
And the above quote is why I never had interest in marriage.

 

[Suzanne]

I do a bad job of being married to an nt for nearly 30 years.

He does everything that is totally confusing to an aspie. But, sorry, you are asking what it is like to be married.

I have learned in my marriage, that for a marriage to succeed, there as to be give and take and open communication and being contant about what pleases your partner.

My husband has often said that I do not consider myself married, because when I type or send a text, I do not include him, but in truth, I am writing it, so that is why and well, he does not have any involvement.

I argue that I am on my own more times than I am not and yet, I think about what to cook HIM. I get our open fire on, for HIM. And so forth.

If you both can talk to each other about sensitive subjects, then you have a winner. If you both can see the funny side of things, then you have a winner.

The truth is that even when a marriage is hard going, to divorce, one misses out on many opportunites to grow. Because my husband has left me on my own mostly, this has resulted in me liking my own company, whereas before, I hated being on my own.

He lacks sympathy when I have been ill and this has made me not want to be ill, whereas in my child, we were rewarded when ill and so, I grew up liking to be ill, but that did not last long. So, there are things to thank my husband for and I believe it is referred to as: backhanded compliments.

 

[GadAbout]

I've been married twice. My second is much better. We were both over 50 when we met, and I think you learn a lot by lived experience. My first husband had a deep resentment of women, which did not necessarily show itself at first. Therefore, I often found myself waiting for the "other shoe to drop." With my second husband, I actually have experienced the feeling of being loved, deeply loved, for the first time in my adult life.
But in both marriages, there was one thing in common. You had someone to turn to when a problem arose such as an issue with a neighbor, a flat tire, or a bad medical diagnosis. I don't feel moored when single, and I like feeling moored. I like belonging to a couple.
The only other thing I will add is that raising kids, as sometimes coincides with marriage, it helps a lot if your views on parenting are similar. Parenting was hard for me (as I'm sure it is for many autistic parents) and I don't think I did a great job of it. But somehow, my (first) husband managed to come out smelling like a rose and leaving me to feel like the dung heap. In the second marriage, no parenting to do (and he has expressed he's glad that's over, too). So if you are contemplating marriage, consider additionally whether this will involve children, and do you want that part, and does your partner?

 

[Thinx]

I never got married to any of the people I had relationships with, probably mainly because my parents marriage was clearly unhappy and not going well, all of my childhood, so I wasn't keen on the idea. I recall that back in the 80s living with a partner was seen as a bit questionable by some, but wasn't deterred by that.

I have enjoyed being in relationships when I'm in them, and I didn't stay with anyone I didn't enjoy being with, or if I felt things were not going well, or felt unloved. I definitely improved a lot over the years at feeling secure myself and at being able to relate to others, however I would say that the people I had relationships with probably were not any better at it than I was , though probably all neurotypical they had issues that caused themselves and me difficulties in relating and we were probably similarly confused about life.

To me, love means being able to see the bigger picture, despite squabbles or challenges, and to be able to be there for my partner, as well as that they show me that I am loved too, not necessarily in the same way as we are all different.

These days I am more secure in myself, which didn't just happen, I worked at it in all sorts of interesting ways, in therapy, therapy groups, assertiveness trainings, Myers Briggs courses, counselling trainings, workplace development training, etc. And I gained life experience over the years.

I have worked extensively with people's relationship issues and one thing I particularly noticed was that many people were each insecure in themselves, usually after some difficulty in childhood. As I found too in my own relationships, this then affects how the couple can understand each other, and makes us to some extent both highly sensitive to the others perceived negative traits, and defensive about ourselves.

And many people are insecure, as well as that some have other additional challenges, such as trauma, illness or abuse. This can make relating difficult, whether autism is in the mix or not. So I d say, think about your own background and gain awareness of your sensitivities and defenses, and recognise where they come from, this will really help you gain personal security as an adult, and be less likely to blame your partner for issues where you feel upset, but its really more linked to your own insecurities. Do work on this.

And this also helps us to choose a partner with awareness of their needs and personality, and with a good understanding of how that will fit with ourself. What can be expected and what would be unfair or unreasonable to expect from that person. People are different, and love needs to be able to offer kindness and care even when the other is sometimes unreasonable upset and low, or when there's a disagreement or when I end up doing more work sometimes etc etc.

Giving a lot and getting a lot, in a way I feel happy with, is the goal, I would say. That can look really different to varied couples, there's no set way, it depends on the individuals and what makes you both happy.

 

[Greatshield17]

I have worked extensively with people's relationship issues and one thing I particularly noticed was that many people were each insecure in themselves, usually after some difficulty in childhood. As I found too in my own relationships, this then affects how the couple can understand each other, and makes us to some extent both highly sensitive to the others perceived negative traits, and defensive about ourselves.

And many people are insecure, as well as that some have other additional challenges, such as trauma, illness or abuse. This can make relating difficult, whether autism is in the mix or not. So I d say, think about your own background and gain awareness of your sensitivities and defenses, and recognise where they come from, this will really help you gain personal security as an adult, and be less likely to blame your partner for issues where you feel upset, but its really more linked to your own insecurities. Do work on this.

And this also helps us to choose a partner with awareness of their needs and personality, and with a good understanding of how that will fit with ourself. What can be expected and what would be unfair or unreasonable to expect from that person. People are different, and love needs to be able to offer kindness and care even when the other is sometimes unreasonable upset and low, or when there's a disagreement or when I end up doing more work sometimes etc etc.

Giving a lot and getting a lot, in a way I feel happy with, is the goal, I would say. That can look really different to varied couples, there's no set way, it depends on the individuals and what makes you both happy.

I did have a bit of an idea or understanding about this; what said here helped make a lot more clear to me, thanks.

 

[Gracey]

I like what @Thinx said in that there's no set way.

I was raised as Roman Catholic in the 1970's
The examples I saw all around me of what a good catholic housewife did gave me some understanding of what marriage could be like.

While most of my cousins followed the examples set by their own parents,
I joined the Army instead
(A handsome renumeration for my chosen form of subservience and all the driving licences, sports and alcohol I could handle I had the time of my life)
much to the disapproval of my extended catholic family who, back then,
only had the one view of the woman's role in marriage.

When I met and married Mr Gracey, I had a much better idea of who I was and what I wanted at the time,
which matched what he wanted at that time.

I think what I'm saying is,
When you have some sort of realistic idea of who you are and what you want your future to look like, you'll know who you'd like to take with you, increasing the odds of long term success.