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What's it like being a single adult?

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by hatfullofrain, Dec 8, 2020.

  1. hatfullofrain

    hatfullofrain Well-Known Member

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    There's a marriage thread, so I thought that it would be interesting to get single people's perspectives for the married/coupled up folks who have never been single middle-aged people.

    I'll start. I don't just rely on one person. I have a range of people. Mostly if I have a problem I tell my sister, if it involves heavy lifting she sends her husband to sort it out. If he's not available I pay a workman to do it.

    Mostly, I can sort things out on my own. If my car is at the garage and it's too far to walk home I can phone a friend or get the bus.

    I only need to shop for myself. I can buy whatever food I want to. I can make whatever I want for dinner.

    I tend to go to concerts or shows by myself. I have weird taste. I don't even think a partner would want to go with me to see obscure bands they've never heard of. I do have a gigging friend who will go to most things, but even she has a line. I wasn't the only single woman who went to see Lloyd Cole alone. I met one at the bus stop after and we had a good chat about it.

    My socialising tends to involve meeting friends for coffee on a Saturday afternoon. Due to covid restrictions we get a coffee to go now and walk around town.

    I have a sister, so I don't need to look after my parents on my own. She lives closer so can go and check on them.
     
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  2. Stardust Parade

    Stardust Parade Well-Known Member

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    It’s ok I guess, but it gets pretty lonely at times.
     
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  3. QueenOfFrance87

    QueenOfFrance87 Let them eat tuna! V.I.P Member

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    As lonely as I feel sometimes, I enjoy being single. I have a good support system in my family and friends, and talk to my mom about anything that was bothering me. I learned a lot of things after my divorce, and found that I tend to be less stressed than when I was married. I also discovered talents that I didn't know I had, such as jewelry making. I know that there are aspies like myself who wanted a life partner, but right now, I just want to do what makes me happy and less stressed.
     
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  4. zozie

    zozie Well-Known Member

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    I'm a single parent for ...hmm 11 years now. I was married for 8. My kids are teenagers so I find them easier to care for than when they were little.

    I appreciate the autonomy of single life, though at times I have wished hard for more support, thinking that I needed a partner in order to get it. I haven't been in a relationship for 3 years, and before that, not since 2012. I find relationships taxing, but I am also on varying degrees of welfare and it takes up a lot of energy to keep me and my two kiddos afloat. I don't have any to spare for a partner.

    My parents are supportive, though we misunderstand each other at times. I have a couple of friends who are down to be a sounding board for when I need to process something in words.

    These days, I am rarely lonely for a partner. If I get lonely, it's mostly for understanding and I get that from communities like this one and from my ND friends. The thing I miss the most is financial support, but the autonomy is a bonus I can't ignore.
     
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  5. Wolfsage

    Wolfsage In training to be Wolf King.

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    Glad not to be yelled at. Know more then a few married people who yell and fuss with each other. Not to mention a few who stay in a marriage. Had their lives ruined by it. Then stay in it because they messed themselves up to the point where they believe no one else will have them. One couple got on antidepressants to handle being together. Their financial situation is beyond bleak. On their second bankruptcy as of this year. Always looking to borrow money. In debt to their own family for several thousand dollars. Who has refused loaning more to them after years of doing so.
    I don't know what to think of them any more. But, it has affected my perception of marriage.
     
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  6. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I have lived independently of others for much of my adult life, and I learned a lot when not in live in relationships. I'd say it's more challenging, like having to cope with more and work out how to solve issues, but as has been said, there's freedom and the ability to please oneself.

    On the other hand, I am pretty useless at practical tasks, disorganised, untidy and clueless really, I just think about stuff a lot of the time. Enjoyably. I tended to go on courses a lot and learn things in order to socialise and develop myself, over the years.

    As I said in the other thread, relationships can be great too, in my experience, and I do enjoy living with a partner too.
     
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  7. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    It was great to be single as long as I could live with my family.
    Freedom to do what I wanted, when I wanted. Not always having to worry what the other
    person wants of me or is thinking of me.
    I had relationships, but, never lived with them. It was nice to keep it uncomplicated and just have fun.

    Then it all came to an end and I moved in with a man when I lost my last family member.
    Yikes!
    Never have I felt so owned, bossed, or yelled at about silly things in my life.
    Wish I were single again, but, I need a place I can afford to live on my disability SSI which is nothing
    really. And being older now with declining health, I need someone there to help at times and
    so does he as he is elderly with health issues also.
     
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  8. hatfullofrain

    hatfullofrain Well-Known Member

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    It's up to you what choices you make, this may be your best bet at the moment, but have you tried a flatshare? There are sites like spareroom.com where people advertise for a roomate.
     
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  9. Streetwise

    Streetwise Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Very quiet at times ,harder to do the caring \maintenance role ,but when I come in to contact with humans I try to appreciate being alone I have an example that lives very close by I'm amazed it doesnt turn to acid it's so selfish.
     
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  10. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I've been married, but have spent most my life single - and a lot of it single with kids, in which case, you're just busy.
    I'm much happier being alone. I can eat a bowl of cereal for dinner without hearing complaints. The other night I ate what I was in the mood for - a small bit of cheeseball and 3 marshmallows - for dinner and love that I can do that. No one yelling at me, telling me what I can or can not do, playing psyche games, making me feel more lonely than if I were alone. I can go to bed when I feel like it and gert up when I feel like it. I only have myself to clean up after (unless the grandkids have visited and, even then, I clean in my own time). And no one here telling the kids to be quiet when they are here. No one giving me tasks to run or calls to make for them. I watch and listen to what I want without someone torturing me with music they know I hate. And no one to sit and wonder where they are after midnight when they were supposed to be home for dinner. No one borrowing my car when theirs is low on gas. No one pulling my hair to wake me up because they're irritated that I'm asleep. No one to call me when I go visit someone telling me I need to get home now. If I want to spend an entire day playing games on the computer I can. If I want to spend a week painting the walls I can. And, mostly I like just worrying about my own bills and not have to help someone else pay theirs.
    Obviously I've not had good experiences being married and I might feel different if I had. Maybe it's kind of like what they say about teenagers - they make life hell during those teen years so it's easier to let them move out. lol So maybe my life in marriage was to make living alone that much better. :)
     
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  11. AprilR

    AprilR Well-Known Member

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    I never had a real relationship, i felt connected to maybe 2(?) people before but that was when i was still masking and acting.

    Nowadays i can't imagine sharing my home and private life to anyone i know. I just don't want to bother with pleasing anyone.

    I am obsessed with the idea of true love in fiction though.
     
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  12. Wolfsage

    Wolfsage In training to be Wolf King.

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    Same.
     
  13. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

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    More me it's been a strange balance of enhanced independence and solitude versus an occasional sense of loneliness.
     
  14. AutisticAstronaut

    AutisticAstronaut Member

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    There's both good and bad sides to it, like others have said.

    On the plus side, being single and living alone means I have a lot of control over my life. I can set up my daily routines however I want, and I don't have to worry so much about them being broken. I can set up the sensory environment in my apartment however I want. I can cook whatever I want, exactly how I like it, and I don't have to worry about someone else's tastes. I really like having that level of control over my day-to-day life.

    On the negative side, it does get quite lonely. I live far away from family, and I don't have much of a support network at all. That can make things difficult sometimes. And of course I have needs that aren't being met.

    I'm not sure how well I would adjust to living with a partner, though. I've been living on my own for a while, and I think it's made me more sensitive to unexpected changes in my daily routine. I'm sure I could get used to living with others again, but I think it would be a big struggle in the beginning.
     
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  15. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    @Pats
    Everything you listed is what I am struggling with living with this man.
    It sounds like you have found bliss. Finally!
     
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  16. Pistachio

    Pistachio Well-Known Member

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    I haven't had a roommate in years and would never want to live with someone. A roommate reminds me of living in a dorm at college. I've also never been married-ish so I don't know what that's really like but enough bad relationships to know I never wanted kids or marriage.

    I'm guessing that single people just mainly have to do stuff themselves, no backup/support really, whether emotionally, financially, whatever. The times I've felt kind of crippled physically I've gotten groceries delivered or some stuff shipped just to make grocery hauling easier.

    I'd guess that being (probably) autistic is like another species compared to what most people want in a relationship, or maybe even a friendship, so I kind of gave up. Besides, what I've known of relationships, marriage, or even childhood family, can be more abuse than help, possibly because of autistic traits.
     
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  17. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Good morning, SusanLR. Sometimes I do wonder if I could have handled it better had I known then about my autism. Like, if I had known why certain things were so tortuous and maybe explained it to him. Of course, it may have encouraged him to do these things even more. But, had it been a better person maybe understanding the differences in how we think? Actually, thinking about my last husband, it may have made it worse. Since he'd refuse to listen to me, I'd try to write it out and hand him the paper and he'd wad it up and toss it and tell me he wasn't interested.
    I hope you can find peace. If you ever need to talk, feel free.
     
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  18. hatfullofrain

    hatfullofrain Well-Known Member

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    I relate to this. I'm still attracted to men, but I can't actually imagine having someone in my space. I'm too used to being on my own. I would have to take things very slowly if I was to even consider a relationship.
     
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  19. Tony Ramirez

    Tony Ramirez Christian with Asperger's Syndrome

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    I been single my entire life and it sucks. I watched friends couple up then lose them all.

    The friends I hang out from Church whenever we meet some way are mostly couples. Matter of fact I am tired of only couples introducing themselfs too me. It is NEVER EVER a single girl from Church. They ignore me.

    Then the friends that are girls I only meet from life group don't want to be in a relationship. So if you read my dying alone thread I predict I will be lonely with no girlfriend or ever spouse until I die.
     
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  20. hatfullofrain

    hatfullofrain Well-Known Member

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    Yes, I've been there too. It's heartbreaking when not only do other people find something you're longing for, but can't be a part of, they also stop hanging out with you.

    I don't know what changes so much that suddenly being single means you can't be invited. I don't understand.

    That's the worst thing. The losing friends because their lives change so much, but you're still in the same place.

    I handled that by moving to the city. There are new people coming and going from my church every year and I've met loads of new people that way. Unfortunately they move back home when their visa expires, but WhatsApp is good for keeping in touch. And now I have people in other countries to go and visit.
     
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