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What to do in that situation?

Mars26

21 years old aspie
I have a problem. I return to the city where I go to college and I immediately made plans with the girl I'm dating. However, she had to postpone our meeting from Saturday to Sunday because her parents had left the city and she had to keep an eye on their house. However on Sunday, her brother could replace her. We met on Sunday and everything was great, but it turns out that yesterday, when she was keeping eye on the house, she invited her friends from high school for drinking.

I'm not sure if I should feel offended that she didn't invite me and choose meeting her friends instead of me. I think that she didn't invite me because it is her pack from high school and I would be on the sidelines because I don't know them and things between us are pretty fresh. And I think that she could "party" with her friends only on Saturday but she could meet with me every day.

But I'm not sure if she did anything wrong? I think that I don't have to always comes first to her but still I don't want to be mistreaded (if she does it of course)
 
Sometimes people have different groups of friends like to keep them separate for whatever reasons - especially if they came from different parts of their lives and might not intersect well.
 
I believe she should have invited you. Drinking. Guys. Etc. I would have been nervous and wondering.
 
There doesn't seem to be an issue with her doing that, in my opinion. She's probably known those people longer, so her parents must know them better, too. She may have invited you if her parents knew you more, but I doubt they'd be as okay with her inviting a relative stranger to their house while they're not there. Yes, you are dating her, but her parents are not and that is their house and their space.
 
You said you are a newbie in her life, so your status isn't to decide who she sees, etc. She is an adult. You didn't go to that high school either. If you had been dating a year, then maybe it might be different. But it still depends on how serious you two are, or aren't.
 
I don't think she did anything horribly wrong. She spared you from what she thought would have been a bad scene for you. Now, the fact she kept it a secret may also be an attempt to spare you from thinking about it and being offended that you weren't invited. I consider this more of a breakdown in communications due to her uncertainty about your reaction.

A regular secret life, however, would not be acceptable.

You need to let her know you aren't so fragile.

You need to tell her it is cool for her to have parties but not cool to hide the fact. You're a big boy and you can handle it. You'll either skip the party or show up, say your hellos, be social for as long as you can and leave. OTOH you have to promise her that you won't be your full-blown Aspie self while you are there. You will mask for a bit and leave if you get uncomfortable. Or maybe show up very late for the party when the crowd is thin and subdued.

If that doesn't resolve the problem, you have deeper issues. You have to come to a working compromise or the relationship doesn't work.

My wife goes to parties and I do my damndest to avoid most of them. If it is a small group of friends and family I'll go but she knows not to blame me if I spend half the party alone, in the farthest corner on my smartphone. I go to events and parties where I'm naked and often so is everyone else. I don't expect her to come to my events. She wouldn't want to. I still tell her about them and on rare occaisions she does show up for clothing-optional events. We have two different sets of acquaintences that overlap a bit.

That's our compromise and it has worked for 33 1/3 years.
 

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